The Mayor of Cincinnati Said Officials Are Asking Joe Burrow To Take A Paternity Test To See If He Is Patrick Mahomes' Father
I have seen some shit in my time professionally writing about sports. Countless pieces of media flying at me waiting to be uncovered to see exactly what, in fact, the story is. Takes a lot for me to figuratively fall out of my chair, or howl with laughter.
Shout out to Clem, who was kind enough to set aside the above information and tee me up. I kind of glanced at the cheeky piece of legislation Cincinnati mayor Aftab Pureval had drafted up to create a "They Gotta Play Us Day" impromptu holiday for the Bengals-Chiefs AFC Championship rematch on Sunday.
THEN. I was listening to the audio in the background as I started firing this blog up. HOOOOOOOOOOOOLY SHIT. Joe Burrow taking a paternity test to see if he's Patrick Mahomes' father!?!?
Giphy Images.Was gonna open with something about how this mayoral proclamation reminded me of my ASSOCIATED STUDENT GOVERNMENT and political science-majoring ass at Miami University back in the day. Vast majority of people in most of those rooms were just assholes who loved to hear themselves talk and therefore very little ever got accomplished. I thought, "Huh, guess they're suited to be politicians" and peaced the fuck outta there after one semester.
Thankfully I had other much more meaningful experiences in Oxford, Ohio, such as singing in the Men's Glee Club and touring abroad and around the U.S. with them AND — more saliently for purposes of why you, the reader, are here — a sports intern at Local 12 WKRC-TV in Cincinnati as a senior. Shout out to those studs.
Anyway in an effort not to date myself too much, Aftab Pureval is much cooler than those political dweebs I encountered in college. Mr. Aftab is in his bag here. No cap. Fucking ON ONE like I've never seen a local politician on one other than maybe Rob Ford in Toronto. That's amazing. I love the bold, dick-swinging prediction that the Bengals are about to big-boy the Chiefs AGAIN at Arrowhead Stadium.
Not even going to lie to you. I've thought "Burrowhead Stadium" was a little much from the jump. That's the type of bulletin-board material that pisses off the opponent. You can clearly see star Kansas City defensive tackle Chris Jones feels a certain type of way about it all.
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ON THE OTHER HAND, I don't really care as much as I would about any other team in a similar situation. Every time I think, quietly, privately to myself that these Bengals have mayyyyyyybe pushed their trash talking too far, they go out on the field and back it up. So there is that.
Truth is, regardless of venue, Cincinnati has had KC's number. Chiefs QB Patrick Mahomes is hobbled by a high ankle sprain. In three straight meetings, the Bengals have prevailed. Much of it is, however, is due to Cincinnati defensive coordinator Lou Anarumo bottling Mahomes up in the second half.
I know at some point the Chiefs are going to punch back. They're too good. Or should I say, Mahomes is too good for that not to happen. My thinking is the Bengals are just a more complete team at the minute, and they have a major psychological advantage. Perhaps if an immobile Mahomes comes out and dunks on the reigning AFC champs, the balance of power will shift in this burgeoning rivalry.
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…But come on. This is Joe Burrow, Second-Half Lou and the 2022-23 Cincinnati Bengals we're talking about here.
Wait sorry my brain just glitched or short-circuited or something. Please ignore any positive Bengals talk contained in this article. Lou Anarumo is a terrible defensive coordinator and if you only count the first half of football games Patrick Mahomes has owned him. Bengals got lucky all last year to get to the Super Bowl, had no business winning at Burrowhead Arrowhead and the Chiefs are favorites so they should win.
Just kidding. SUNDAY IS THEY GOTTA PLAY US DAY TURN UP WHO DEY NATION!!!!!!!!!
Twitter @MattFitz_gerald/TikTok
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