4th of July Collection | Now Available at the Barstool StoreSHOP HERE

Advertisement

THE OUTSIDERS Has The Best Looking Cast In Movie History

Warner Bros. Shutterstock Images.

My old lady was watching THE KARATE KID the other night and was wondering how old baby-faced Ralph Macchio was when he filmed the box office smash. A quick perusal of IMDb revealed that he was 21 when filming started and 22 when it wrapped less than two months later. A further scan of his filmography hammered home something I first realized decades ago while managing Uncle Tricky Dick's mom & pop video store…

Nancy Moran. Getty Images.

…that, objectively speaking, THE OUTSIDERS has the best-looking cast in film history. And it's not even close. I mean, Christ, just take a gander.

Going left to right, we start off with 19-year-old Tom Cruise (Steve Randle) who would rocket to stardom in his next movie thanks to his tighty-whitey dance moves. Even in a sleeveless Canadian tuxedo, just an absolute stud.

Then we have pretty-boy Rob Lowe (Sodapop Curtis) in his feature film debut. After raising Hollywood hell for a few years, the noted NFL fan cleaned up his act and was likely very grateful that his bad-boy tabloid fodder went down in the '80s, allowing him to still have a productive career 40 years later.

Next up is C. Thomas Howell (Ponyboy Curtis). With only one credit under his belt thanks to E.T., the 15-year-old pin-up darling was tabbed as the lead and seemingly on track to become the biggest and brightest star of the bunch. It didn't quite work out that way and he somehow managed to dodge career suicide after the abomination that was SOUL MAN. If you were betting on one of these guys in 1983, Howell was the chalk.

To his left is the eternally youthful Ralph Macchio (Johnny Cade of "We'll do it for Johnny!" fame). Seriously, how is this mofo 61-goddamn-years-old?

Shutterstock. Shutterstock Images.

Even though this Greaser wasn't flame-retardant, he crane-kicked himself into superstardom with his next flick. A crowd-pleaser about a bullied Jersey eye-talian who learns self-defense from his depressed Japanese neighbor, THE KARATE KID made a shitload of dough, spawned increasingly inferior sequels, a reboot we won't talk about, and a hit YouTube show. More importantly, Elisabeth Shue was painting the black with 102 MPH heat.

Giphy Images.

Next up is the epitome of a 'bad boy', Matt fucking Dillon (Dallas Winston). The most well-known member of the cast at the time, Dillon as Dally conveyed angst-bordering-on-dangerous-rage and might as well have worn a t-shirt that said "I'M A BAD BOY" just to really hammer the point home. He'd punch you in the face then knuckle your old lady. Regardless, you couldn't take your eyes off of him in this movie. The biggest menace among the Greasers, he informed all within earshot that a rumble without him was, in fact, not a rumble. Dillon is equally adept at drama (TO DIE FOR), iconic comedy (THERE'S SOMETHING ABOUT MARY), and cheese-filled sex romps (WILD THINGS). But I wish we saw a lot more of him lately because he's such a great goddamn actor. 

Advertisement

In the penultimate spot is Emilio Estevez (Two-Bit Matthews), an eventual Wild West menace turned drunk-driving hockey coach that seemed destined for superstardom but seemingly pulled on the reins of his acting career. I do hope he takes on one more role that requires him to say "microprocessors".

And now, we have arrived at the paterfamilias and alpha of the crew, Patrick Swayze (Darrel Curtis). The sexiest hunk of 1980s cinema. A man's man that was equally comfortable tossing shit-kickers from a country dive or teaching a watermelon carrier how to dance, resulting in the most erotic scene in PG-13 history. No, seriously. 

"Dance with me."

Game. Set. Match.

But I digress. Darrel was the father figure to a gang of poor denim aficionados just trying to get by. And he was a stand-up guy as evidenced by his pre-rumble chat with the head Soc. But none of the other actors could've pulled off what Swayze did here, pairing gravitas and machismo to the point that you'd follow him into a fire. Fuck, do I miss Patrick Swayze.

If you think you have a better looking cast pound-for-pound, shout it out in the comments. But you won't. (Cameos and 'as himself/herself' don't play.)