This week, after dropping a close match to a KFC-less UrMom and falling to 1-3 on the season, I knew it was time for the Big Screamin Honkers to make a change - a big change.
Francis knew this as well, stepping up and making the noble announcement that he would be retiring from the Honkers/Dozen Trivia Competition, effective immediately, in attempt to help our playoff chances....but I wasn't sure if just swapping Francis out for another free agent would be enough to turn things around.
Let's be honest: since losing Coley, we've felt like a shell of the championship team we once were, and I was tired of trying to recapture that magic; lightning never strikes twice, after all. It just felt like the time to move on and shake things up a bit within the organization. So after a long talk with my longtime friend and teammate Benjamin Mintz, we made the very tough decision to part ways.
I fielded offers from the other captains for a few hours, and then came to an agreement with Flux to trade Mintz straight-up for the rookie, Chris Klemmer - another guy with bizarre sports knowledge in his giant head to help fill that void Mintz leaving creates. Klemmer is averaging 3.22 points per game through his first three matches (though I expect that to come up with the Honkers), and he's got a 'Rain Man' like memory of the 90s as well to help with pop culture if need be.
Our next move felt like a no brainer, and if you watched our last match - you probably already know where this is going....
The Big Screamin Honkers will be signing rookie free agent Gia Mariano to an exclusive contract today.
Gia has been eager for a spot in this league for as long as she's worked at Barstool, and she proved that she deserved that spot in this league in her debut. Gia put up a whopping SIX points against the Honkers, dominating us in the music category (where we have struggled all season), and was an instant fan favorite with the Dozen Universe. With us on the same team, I don't think we'll ever miss another celebrity mashup ever again - and our pop culture knowledge is now on LOCKDOWN!
Plus, I wanted to keep the Honkers/Experts rivalry alive, and what better person to sign than the sister of the one uncrackable member of that team?!
So there you have it: the Honkers are undergoing a complete and total rebuild. I know this may be shocking or upsetting to some of the loyal Honkers Faithful, who have enjoyed me and Mintz competing together over the years, but I just ask that you trust the process and stick in there with us as we undertake this exciting new chapter filled with promise and change.
We will Honk again.
tl;dr: Francis retired, I picked up Fran's sister Gia to replace him, and then I traded Mintz's ass to Flux for Chris Klemmer.