4th of July Collection | Now Available at the Barstool StoreSHOP HERE

Advertisement

Disney Adults Are Losers: Park Goers Are Selling Jars of Splash Mountain Water on eBay

Joe Raedle. Getty Images.

Splash Mountain at the Magic Kingdom closed permanently last night to make way for Tiana’s Bayou Adventure, and some people are taking advantage of others’ emotional connections to the attraction by auctioning off “Splash Mountain water” on eBay.

There’s also a joke listing offering an old Splash Mountain Ziploc bag and a mason jar with tap water for $25,000. The seller notes, “This is obviously just for fun and to make fun of the people who are really selling water from a ride. I’m a Disney fan but come one people has the world gotten so doomed that people would buy water from a ride.”

Dont get me wrong here; I'm a Disney guy just like any other doting father. I love waking up early in the morning, having your kids bitch about getting up, stuffing some pop tarts, water, sunscreen, baby wipes, hand sanitizer, more sunscreen, and a litany of hats, visors, and sunglasses into a bag that you'll hate wearing before lunch which will be a 30 dollar hot dog with Mickey ears pinned to the bun after waiting in line for the monorail which is 25 minutes behind schedule due to unforeseen maintenance. But that's not all, after breakfast, I love heading down to the ole coffee shop and getting a luxury black coffee for the low price of 7.25. Looking back, I probably should have bought a hot tea sweetened with some of my guy Winnie the Pooh Bear's honey. I bet that slaps in a tea and slaps harder on a biscuit. Oh bother. Maybe next time, piglets.

I also love that newish Buzz Light Year Ride. You're spinning and shooting lasers at a variety of neer-do-wells hell-bent on destroying the galaxy with sticky slime, spitballs, and fart clouds. What stands in their way? Not buzz. It's your friend Chaps with a laser the size of Ted Bridgewater's dick that's dialed in like Rico Bosco was to the original Dave Portnoy Radio Show.

Pretty big, right? It's that but as a fuckin laser beam. 

That being said, who in the world is buying splash mountain water? Now, I could see if the fellas plus Kate on the Yak had a wheel to decide who drinks the Splash Mountain water. That would be fantastic, however, having that water on your mantel just seems like a move only a freak would make. An absolute freak. Like Kelly Keegs is with Taylor Swift but it's Disney.  Imagine walking into your friend's house that is covered in various trinkets, toys, and other farrago adorned with ears and red pants. Your breath would be taken away and so would your friendship. It's as simple as that but each person is entitled to their own sexual proclivities. May a thousand blossoms bloom as far as I'm concerned. But, in the meantime, I aint gonna spend any more time on it because every 90 days a person is torn to pieces by a crocodile in North Queensland. 

Advertisement