Welcome back to a very special episode of Dumping Them Out. For starters, it's the second to last Sunday of the month, which means were doing Ass GIF's. Second of all, today's episode is being brought to you by a big cranky bitch who is having a bad day (myself).
A small rage has been building inside of me ever since I started working at Barstool, and I think I know the cause of it. Being a writer for Barstool is the only job I've ever wanted (outside of professional athlete or porn star). My whole adult life I've thought, "Damn, if I could just get a job at Barstool or Bang Bros, then I'd be set. Then I'll be able to do what I love for a living, and everything will be perfect."
So ever since I started working here, I've made it a point to appreciate what I have, and never complain about anything to anyone. Because imagine complaining when you have a job at Barstool. That's so fucking delusional. There's not a person in the world who wants to hear that shit. Not my friends, not my family, not my girlfriend. Nobody.
"Oh my god I'm sooo sorry you have to tweet regularly. That must be so hard for you! AND you have to put your bullshit thoughts into a blog along with roughly 10 Boob GIFs ONCE A WEEK? On a SUNDAY no less? I can't imagine how taxing that must be! Poor you!" - Nobody In The History Of The World
When I was selling packaging equipment, I would complain all the time. I could bitch to my family and friends about my job and get everything off my chest. I would always I'd feel better afterwards. Obviously you can't overdo it, but I think it's healthy to be able to bitch about work every now and then. I'm sure everyone does something similar to that every now and then. I haven't had a good bitch to anyone in about 7 months.
And today will be no different. I really thought about letting it rip in the next few paragraphs, but my original point still stands. Nobody wants to hear that shit. It's my job as a red-blooded alpha-male Barstool Sports blogger to hold those feelings in. To let it all build up inside of me until I die of a heart attack at age 54. That's what it means to be Milton tough. If only there were professionals who I could talk to about my problems. If only Barstool Sports had a healthcare plan that literally provides us that service free of charge.
HOWEVER, I would very much like to bitch about something that has nothing to do with Barstool. It's something that has truly been ruining my life lately. Do you know how Pardon My Take does Fyre Fest Of The Week? Well this segment is called John Rich's Holocaust Of The Week. My Holocaust Of The Week is that my dogs are bad. I love them to death, but ever since we moved to the city, they've gotten continuously worse. Do you know how loud the barks of a 12.5 pound dog can be? They break the sound barrier. There is not a sound in the world louder or more jarring than the barks of my two tiny dogs. I can't sit peacefully in my home for more than 30 minutes without hearing a heart stopping woof. Anything sets them off Everyone in my apartment complex probably hates me. It's horrible.
Speaking of the Holocaust. On a lighter note. I once had a degenerate friend in Los Angeles named Ryan. We lived together in a South Central hostel. Ryan was an 18 year old kid from Florida, and if I remember correctly he had genuinely run away from home on his 18th birthday. He was a MASSIVE liability of a person, but also one of the funniest dudes I've ever met. One day it was storming like crazy outside (windy, lightning, thunder, raining sideways, etc.). I was hanging out in our 30 person shared living room, when Ryan walks in the front door. He was home early because his gig as a sign spinner got cancelled due to the storm (I promise that's true. Ryan could spin the shit out of a sign. He knew how to do cool tricks and shit). So Ryan enters the hostel dripping wet from the storm. As soon as he steps in, he announces to everyone, "Holy shit it's a fucking Holocaust out there." He confused the word 'Holocaust' with 'hurricane'. That was probably one of the top 5 hardest laughs I've had in my entire life.