The Barstool Sports 30 Employee Royal Rumble

John Rich1/21/2023 6:00 PM

I've grown to resent the phrase "Brevity is the soul of wit." It flies in the face of everything I write. I prefer a lengthy blog. A good blog should be a grind for the reader to get through. Even if the reader doesn't finish, they should walk away thinking, "Well I guess he tried at least."

"Hmm John Rich hasn't posted a blog in a while. What's that about? Wait.. here's one. Oh wow, it's 10,000 words long. He must have worked tirelessly on this for the last several days. That fully justifies his lack of blogs this week. What an incredible hire." - Dave Portnoy

But am I sacrificing quality to satisfy a length-based criteria that I've completely fabricated in my own head to justify the amount of content I produce? Absolutely. It's the polar opposite of working smarter not harder. But what is brevity anyways? Brevity is relative. If I wrote a 10,000 word story and published it as a book then I'd be the briefest author of all time. So think about that next time you quote Shakespeare at me.

Anyways, this shit is going to be long. The Blog Wheel has tasked me with writing about a 30 person Barstool Sports Employee Royal Rumble. What a topic. If there's one thing I know people love, it's reading about fights.

I'm assuming a traditional Royal Rumble consists of 30 people. I wouldn't know. I've never been a wrestling guy. I started to get into it once, but then my favorite wrestling podcast was cancelled so I turned my attention towards powerful women in business.

So how do I go about selecting 30 people to participate in this Royal Rumble? Do I pick the 30 Barstool employees who I like the most? Or maybe the 30 people I like the least? It's not that simple. There's a lot of things to consider.

- Would this be a funny person to include in a Royal Rumble?
- Would this person want to be included in a Royal Rumble?
- Will I feel bad if I don't include this person?
- Will I feel bad if I do include this person?
- Would including this person negatively or positively effect my career?
- Do I feel comfortable writing potentially mean or insulting things about this person?
- How many women should I include?

I just spent a full hour cultivating my list, and let me tell you, I fucking hate this topic. Hey @FKA_L_Bivens, I appreciate your participation. I understand where your head was at. It seemed like a fun idea to me too. But what am I supposed to do here? Give a written play-by-play of a whole ass Royal Rumble? Write fan fiction about my co-workers beating the shit of each other? That's kind of bizarre. Seems boarder line creepy. I feel like I'm playing out a Stoolie's weird sadistic fantasy.

FUCK YEAH! TAKE THAT BIG T! GET CHOKE SLAMMED BITCH! HIT KAYCE WITH THE CHAIR!

Also, Barstool would never agree to a Royal Rumble. That's a ridiculous notion. Wrestlers are trained professionals. Never in a million years could we pull off a choreographed 30 person Royal Rumble. The only way to make it entertaining would be if we fought for real. West Virginia wouldn't even sanction that. Barstool would have to be down bad before we resorted to some barbaric violent sideshow. It would take an incredibly shady advertiser offering us an enormous sum of money, along with a hefty cash prize for the winner. That's the only way employees would ever agree to participate. If a Barstool Royal Rumble were to ever happen, it would probably look something like this.

Do you know how many fucking kratom companies are in this country? Conservatively 1 million. I didn't want to use the name of a real kratom company, because a kratom company is unquestionably the type of company that would sue us for using their name. It took me way too many tries to come up with a name that isn't already in use. Kratom City, King Kratom, Kool Kratom, Kratom Co, Big Kratom, Kratom Hut, Kratom Kratom Kratom, all taken. Luckily, You Got Kratom is still up for grabs. Hopefully it still is by the time this blog gets published.

Naturally, Ben Mintz would be the referee. Picture him standing in the middle of the ring looking like disheveled tornado wearing a whistle and an ill-fitting striped shirt. The first wrestler is Dave Portnoy.

Wrestler #1: Dave Portnoy
He doesn't show up. It's insane that anybody would have ever thought he'd want to be involved in this. He assuredly doesn't even know it's happening. You Got Kratom is not pleased.

1st Elimination: Dave Portnoy (29 people remain)

Wrestler #2: Brandon Walker
He makes an elaborate entrance (because he loves wrestling). There's a whole bunch of smoke and flashing lights and all of the other cutesy things wrestlers like. However, by the time he gets to the stage he is completely gassed. He immediately gets a migraine. Brandon takes off his shirt and lays down on the mat.

Wrestler #3: Kayce Smith
She makes an extremely pregnant entrance. Kayce enters the ring and does nothing, banking on the fact that nobody will want to wrestle a pregnant woman and she'll walk away with that sweet sweet kratom money.

Wrestler #4: KB
Just here to get in a few good grappling sessions and support the kratom community.

Wrestler #5: Feitelberg
Feitelberg and KB wrestle for fun. Brandon's migraine has worsened, and he's now puking in the corner. Kayce walks over to Brandon and rolls him out of the ring.

2nd Elimination: Brandon Walker (28 people remain)

Wrestler #6: Steven Cheah
A shirtless Steven Cheah enters the ring looking strong. He ignores Kayce because he's not going to wrestle a pregnant woman. He does his best to join in with KB and Feitelberg, but they're not interested. They quickly get annoyed with Steven awkwardly touching their backs as he tries to pry his way into the scrum. Feitelberg and KB briefly team up to drag Steven out of the ring by his glasses.

3rd Elimination: Steven Cheah (27 people remain)

Wrestler #7: Nick
Nick shows no interest in wrestling. He recites a handful of jokes he had prepared about Ben Mintz being a clumsy bumbling referee, and they're all hysterical. His jokes singlehandedly make the Royal Rumble worth watching. He politely exits the ring once he's out of material.

4th Elimination: Nick (26 people remain)

Wrestler #8: Rico Bosco
Rico chivalrously decides to spend the entirety of the Royal Rumble protecting Kayce Smith, even though nobody is going to wrestle a pregnant woman anyways. Feitelberg gets bored of wrestling and exits the ring.

5th Elimination: Feitelberg (25 people remain)

Wrestler #9: Tommy Smokes
After much convincing, Tommy agrees to wrestle with KB. However, as soon as KB lunges, Tommy shrieks like a woman on her period and cowardly leaves the ring.

6th Elimination: Tommy Smokes (24 people remain)

Wrestler #10: Jersey Jerry
Finally a wrestler who is up for the challenge. Jersey Jerry steps into the ring wearing a pair of Thorogood 1957 Steel Toe Boots. He has his eyes on the prize, and will stop at nothing to win the $100k. Jerry plans to use the money to throw his child a proper party for his half-birthday. It's KB who makes the first move. But as he shoots the leg, Jerry counters with a swift kick to his mouth. KB's teeth and blood go soaring into the crowd. Jerry gives him a couple hearty head stomps for good measure, then launches him over the ropes.

7th Elimination: KB (23 people remain)

We now have a full-blown Damar Hamlin situation on our hands. What Jerry has done is unfathomable. The medical staff tends to a fully unconscious KB. Luckily he still has a pulse. The crowd is in utter shock. What started as a fun wrestling match amongst co-workers has turned into a bloody horror show. The remaining members of ANUS are sobbing uncontrollably. Kayce and Rico swiftly exit the ring, eliminating themselves.

8th Elimination: Rico Bosco (22 people remain)

9th Elimination: Kayce Smith (21 people remain)

The paramedics arrive quickly and load the former state champion wrestler onto a stretcher. Thankfully, KB gains consciousness as he's being loaded into the back of the ambulance. He gives the audience an emphatic thumbs down. Jersey Jerry remains ready for his next challenger, undeterred by the life-altering damage he has just done to his co-worker's once attractive face. He's stands in the middle of ring doing the Hulk Hogan, "I Can't Hear You" celebration. Which is true, because the crowd has fallen deafly silent.

Wrestler #11: Kelly Keegs

The You Got Kratom representatives do everything in their power to force Kelly Keegs into the ring, but she understandably refuses. You Got Kratom took out a monstrous loan to sponsor this event. They can't afford for the Barstool Sports Royal Rumble to end early. All of their eggs are in this basket, and they desperately need the publicity. It's not that the quality of their kratom is inferior. You Got Kratom's Maeng Da Silver strain was ranked amongst the world's top strains at the 2022 National Kratom Summit in Columbus. Unfortunately, it takes more than a quality product to make it in the cut-throat kratom industry.

10th Elimination: Kelly Keegs (20 people remain)

You Got Kratom is doing everything in their power to force Barstool employees into the ring to fight Jersey Jerry. They claim that the contracts we signed are binding. They say if Barstool doesn't complete the Royal Rumble then You Got Kratom will take us all to court. But entering the ring means risking your life. Jersey Jerry shows no mercy.

Wrestler #12: Kirk Minihane
Kirk Minihane, who's sick and tired of hearing from the You Got Kratom representatives, volunteers to go next. He calmly walks to the ring, steps into the ropes, then immediately exits. As long as everybody enters the ring, Barstool has held up their end of the deal. It's the obvious solution to their problem. Unless someone decides to take their chances with Jersey Jerry and his steel toe boots.

11th Elimination: Kirk Minihane

Wrestler #13: Frank The Tank
Frank The Tank emerges from the tunnel and performs a live Raw Doggin' review on his walk to the ring. It's a Grand Slam. The crowd rises to their feet and gives him a standing ovation. Frank enters the ring. Surely he'll exit quickly in the same manner as Kirk. But he doesn't. He just stands there smiling, still on a high from his Grand Slam review. The crowd begins to panic.

GET OUT OF THERE FRANK! HE'S GONNA KILL YOU! IT'S NOT WORTH IT!

Jerry kicks his feet up behind him like bull a preparing it's charge (and Frank is wearing red). But all of the sudden, something comes over Jerry. He can't attack Frank with his steel toe boots. Jerry loves Frank. Unlike KB who is an abrasive personality, Frank is nothing but a nice calming presence in the Barstool office. He can't bring himself to do it. Not even for $100k. Jerry ceases fire. He retreats to the ropes and awaits the next wrestler.

Wrestler #14 Deion Sanders

Before Deion Sanders can make it out of the tunnel, the music abruptly stops, and the stadium lights turn on. Deion Sanders is cut off by a team of police officers. The cops dramatically make their way into the ring and surround Jersey Jerry. The crowd has fallen silent once again. After a few minutes of muffled conversation, the police apprehend Jersey Jerry. They place him in handcuffs and walk him out the side door of the facility. He's being charged with felonious assault.

Whereas Barstool is relieved that the show has been brought to a halt, the You Got Kratom team is up in arms. Jacksonville PD is taking the star of the show into the back of a cop car.

12th Eliminated: Jersey Jerry

One of the remaining police officers takes control of the PA system.

The Barstool Sports Royal Rumble For $100k Presented By You Got Kratom has been cancelled. Please exit the premises immediately.

The crowd doesn't put up much of a fight. This has obviously gotten out of hand and needs to be stopped. But as the crowd files towards the exits, Ben Mintz (who has been standing in the ring this entire time) walks over to Frank The Tank. He raises his hand slightly above his shoulders and declares Frank The Tank the winner of the Barstool Sports Royal Rumble!

Winner: Frank The Tank

The crowd goes wild once again as Frank The Tank celebrates his hard earned victory.

FRANK THE TANK! FRANK THE TANK! FRANK THE TANK!

A representative from You Got Kratom enters the ring with a comically oversized check. But in a fairly predictable move, instead of presenting it to Frank, they rip the check in half and light it on fire. The You Got Kratom rep grabs the mic.

ATTENTION ASS HOLES! Because Barstool Sports and the Jacksonville Police Department are being whiney pussy's, Frank The Tank WILL NOT be receiving the $100k prize. Suck our dicks!

Frank The Tank becomes irate. He stomps his feet and eats the shirt off his body. The crowd begin yelling obscenities at the kratom people.

FUCK YOU YOU FUCKING FRAUDS!!!!

GIVE FRANK HIS MONEY!!!!

YOUR KRATOM FUCKING SUCKS!!!!!

KRATOM IS ONLY CONTRIBUTING TO THE OPIATE EPIDEMIC!!! YOUR PRODUCT IS NOT FDA APPROVED AND IS PROBABLY DOING MORE HARM THAN GOOD!!!

The audience throws trash into the ring as they exit their seats. A majority of the Barstool Sports employees have been long gone. Most are visiting KB at the hospital. People begin to take to Twitter.

Dave, Big Cat, & KFC hold an Emergency Rundown to discuss the events of the You Got Kratom Barstool Sports Royal Rumble. Dave decides after speaking with KB that he is going to keep Jersey Jerry on as a Barstool Sports employee. KB was remarkably cool about the entire situation. He said he didn't want to see a man with a family lose his job. Although Jerry remains employed, he is now under strict supervision. If he slips up one more time, he's gone. It's a zero tolerance policy.

Everybody involved in the Barstool Sports Royal Rumble lawyers up. Within a few days, everybody is suing each other. You Got Kratom is suing Barstool Sports for not following through with the event. Barstool Sports is counter suing. Frank The Tank is suing You Got Kratom for refusing to pay him the $100k prize money.

Jersey Jerry was released on bail, and is suing the city of Jacksonville for a wrongful arrest. KB settles out of court with You Got Kratom for store credit. He agreed to not sue Barstool Sports in exchange for a 200% raise to his salary.

Both Barstool Sports and You Got Kratom are currently under investigation by the state of Florida for hosting an unsanctioned fight. Barstool Sports remains a company, although an email alerting employees of pending layoffs was recently sent to all of content.