Ranking The Planets In The Solar System Based On Hotness
I've been catching up on my favorite show Please End This and watched Tommy use a solar system metaphor to say "I want to date a celebrity," when I realized, planets ARE hot. We actually see a lot of this in Astrology- bitches on tiktok love to rank the star signs based on hotness or based on "boss bitch ness" or my favorite recently, which sign is most "daddy?"
Despite the absurdity, they always make sense somehow. One of my favorite things in the world is personifying inanimate objects, so the next logical step is to describe the personality of each planet in the solar system, and rank them based on hotness.
The Sun - doesn't count. It's a literal star already, not even a planet. No one could handle the Sun.
#9 - Pluto
Ugh, Pluto. The girl who everyone feels bad for but nobody actually wants to date. She’s been kicked out of the solar system, and embarrassingly brought back in as a “dwarf planet” to really twist the knife, just because everyone felt bad. MAJOR “middle child” energy. Never doing enough to interest anyone and always getting forgotten. A big rock without gasses or rings or anything more exciting than a couple of craters. Not hot.
#8 - Uranus
Poor Uranus. After a lifetime of ridicule, assumed the “sluttiest planet” before anyone has even gotten to know her, she’s turned entirely to ice. She wants nothing to do with anyone. A cold, barren wasteland with a “NO VACANCY” sign in the window. Sadly, Uranus is too far beyond saving, even for those with the biggest hero complexes out there. She’s so #DONE with everyone else, she started to spin on her side just to be different. She even has 13 rings that nobody knows about, and she refuses to show off. Rumor has it, she even RAINS DIAMONDS. No one is worth it. Hot because she’s unattainable, but SO unattainable, she is no longer hot.
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#7 - Mercury
Our outdoorsy, adventurer type. A rocky planet, she’ll be tough as nails and she’ll expect you to be the same. She’ll never cry, but she’ll never be the big spoon either. At the same time, all that energy and strength will probably have her hanging off your dick 24/7. If hiking doesn't make you horny, why do people do it all the time?
#6 - Venus
The regulation hottie. She’s generically good looking, and she knows it. One of those girls who never had to develop a personality because she was hot. Being “the brightest object in the sky after he Sun and Moon” has COMPLETELY gone to her head, and she’s probably into athletes or Pete Davidson. She lives her life clout chasing but thinks she’s building real relationships.
#5 Mars
Described as, “a dusty, cold, desert world with a very thin atmosphere,” Mars is your crazy girl. She’s been through some shit, and she doesn’t trust you. It’s not too hard to get to her, but if you do, you’re probably not coming back for a long time. Also noted, “Mars is a dynamic planet with seasons, polar ice caps, canyons, extinct volcanoes, and evidence that it was even more active in the past.” She’s deep and complex, she’ll challenge you, she’ll drive you insane, you’ll hate it and wonder what she was like before that desert came through. Yet somehow, you can’t get enough. She might key your car but she’ll make you cum just to prove that she can.
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#4 - Jupiter
The celebrity of planets. Fun, catchy name, larger then life (literally) but subtly full of air. It looks like there is a lot more depth than there actually is with Jupiter, but she’s a busy bitch so it’ll be hard to notice. 80 moons to keep track of, and WAY too cold to even consider warm feelings towards anyone else. You may think she’s mysterious with her stripes and swirls until you get too close and realize its a storm of ambition and there’s no room for you. Unattainable, famous, pretty = hot.
#3 - Earth
As the only planet with the ability to grow and sustain life, we have to put Earth in the “mother” category. Her answer to everything is a big bowl of chicken soup and a hug. She’ll do your laundry and make your lunch for you, even if you walk all over her. She’s used to Mankind destroying her from the outside in, and likely the inside out. She’ll fight back (tsunamis, earthquakes, etc) but really she just wants a little appreciation. Everyone loves a giver.
#2 - Saturn
Johannes Gerhardus Swanepoel. Getty Images.Advertisement
VERY sexy. The “spectacular and complex” rings alone provide an added element that no one else has, and everyone wants a taste. Saturn is basically Jupiter’s younger, hotter sister. Another big bitch full of air with dozens of moons, but is actually mysterious. She doesn’t want to settle down, but she wants to make you think she does. She’ll lure you in, break your heart and never think about it again.
#1 - Neptune
Despite being another Ice Giant, Neptune is exponentially hotter than Uranus. In fact, Uranus is probably jealous of her. She’s the girl with glasses who becomes super hot when she takes them off. The thick, windy atmosphere is mesmerizing and makes you want to know, “what’s going on under there?” She’s a tough one to crack, and she’s too smart for your bullshit. She’s full of hot gasses, despite being a cold planet, which is confusing and interesting. She is also rumored to rain diamonds, and I’ll bet she’ll let you take a pocketful home with you if you treat her right. Her coloring alone has the same effect that blue eyed girls have on guys, and she knows how to work it. Neptune is the girl that all of your girlfriends are afraid of.
There we have it. Marry Neptune, Fuck Saturn, Kill Pluto IMO.