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Lighten the Fuck Up! Marty Slipped on Black Ice & Injured His Right Hand. (It Happens!)

Giphy Images.

Marty was walking home when he suddenly slipped on black ice and injured his right hand… 

On his way to the hospital, he passed a jumbo-sized vending machine on the sidewalk that claimed it was capable of diagnosing any disease or injury and creating treatment plans based only on a urine sample. And it would do it all for just two dollars… 

Not having any health insurance, Marty decided to give the machine a try before heading to the hospital, where treatment could get a little costly. He put two dollars in the machine's bill slot and was prompted to go into the privacy booth and provide a urine sample.

Shortly after he filled the small plastic cup, he was prompted to pour the contents down a hole marked "Pour Urine Sample Here." Once the cup was empty, he heard a few long beeps. Then, the machine printed out a note that said, "The flexor tendon in your right hand has a slight tear. Ice it, take Tylenol for pain, and don't put it under any stress for 7-10 days." 

Marty was amazed but not totally convinced, and he decided to see if he could trick the machine. He hurried home, took out a glass jar, and partially filled it with tap water. Then, he had his dog urinate in it. He scraped some bubble gum off the bottom of his teenage daughter's desk and put it in the jar as well. Since no one was home, he figured, "What the hell", and gave himself a quick tug and added his DNA to the mix… 

He returned to the vending machine, and after putting two dollars in the bill slot, he poured the new sample down the hole. After a few long beeps, the machine printed out another note that said, "The cold water pipe under your kitchen sink will become clogged soon, be sure to call a Plumber and have it fixed immediately. Your dog will become sick and die in two weeks, be prepared for it. Your daughter is pregnant, confront the 25-year-old boy on house arrest living upstairs, he's the father. And, if you continue masturbating with your right hand, your injured tendon will never heal, Marty…"                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                               

Vindog has been repurposing jokes since 1968! This is LTFU joke #147! 

Just in case you missed the last one…                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                         

Start the New Year off right by wearing some ALL-NEW LTFU Merch! Not everyone will know what LTFU means, but everyone will ask!