Science Proves That Liking Sports Cars Means You Have A Smaller (Not Totally Tiny) Cock

Robert Alexander. Getty Images.

In this experiment, we manipulated what men believed about their own penis size, relative to others. We gave them false information, stating that the average penis size was larger than it in fact is, reasoning that, on average, these males will feel that relatively and subjectively their own penis was smaller; compared to those told that the average penis size was smaller than true average. We then asked them to rate how much they would like to own a sports car. These facts and questions were buried amongst other items giving information and asking for product ratings, so that our hypothesis was masked from participants. We found that males, and males over 30 in particular, rated sports cars as more desirable when they were made to feel that they had a small penis.

I'm not usually a scientific journal reader, but when something like this comes across my desk, I need to respond. For years, people have said the old adage about having a sports car means that your cock is small. Here in Texas, some people will say the same thing about trucks. For instance, I have a Tundra with big tires and rims. People yell at me all the time saying things like, "Hey, you pussy-ass bitch. Why do you drive a slightly lifted Tundra!? You're all hat and no cattle!" To which I typically point at my dick and begin to weep. They understand. They pull down their pants and the dick is small. That's why they are mean to others. I have a little dick. They have a little dick. We all have little dicks. Amen.

Additionally, the scientific journal goes on to say that they committed one of the worst sins I've seen in a long while. These dastardly devils operate under the title of "scientist" while manipulating unassuming gentlemen in a way that no one has ever seen. These mother fuckers got together and made a group feel like their dicks were below the norm.

 I know some people with tiny, tiny, tiny dicks. They are sitting there reading about how the average dick is like 6 inches. Well, where do that 6 inches start? Is it right by the balls up to the tip? Is it from the base of the shaft and then to the tip? Is it flaccid or rock hard? Some say it's just a chub. Others say it's 3/4s of a semi. Me? I dunno. I just know that I will never measure my dick because I won't be manipulated into buying a sportscar! I dont even care about cars unless some other fellas are acting like they do. If they do, I talk about changing my own oil and bleeding the brakes like I did that one time. 

I mean, look at what they did!

In the key trial, they were given a fact about the average penis size and then asked to rate a sports car. In the small penis condition, they were told that the average size was 18cm, larger than the true average. We reasoned that this would make the average male feel that they are relatively poorly endowed, compared to the large penis condition, in which we told them that the average size of other penises was 10cm. They then rated the desirability of a sports car.

This is mental torture. Do scientists think it's ok to grab a few fellas and put them in the mental camel toe clutch? It's not. Not at all. Imagine sitting there in a classroom type of setting and some scoundrel tells you the average penis size is way bigger than it is? You might wanna kill yourself and buy a sports car. Probably a mustang or charger. No doubt in my mind that the people who thought they had small dicks bought mustangs. Poor bastards. Hopefully, it's not automatic.