Rest In Peace, Kelly Keegs
Shutterstock Images.It is with a heavy heart that we announce the untimely death of Kelly Keegs, otherwise known as “L-elly L-eegs,” “pencil neck cunt,” “raccoon faced coke head,” “vanilla mayonnaise,” “sea pig,” and “the biggest eyes in the office.”
“It’s devastating, but not surprising. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, she looked like Emma Stone if she had Leukemia. But, she was the true love of my life. I’m really going to miss her.” - Kirk Minihane
“I’m not sure if Barstool Sports can continue without Kelly. I’ve said on multiple occasions how captivating and hilarious she is. Without her, the company will surely tank.” - Dave Portnoy
Kelly’s last dying requests were left in an overly detailed note that nobody took the time to read all the way through, but after summarizing, are as follows:
“Please subscribe to On The Other Line (Spotify) (Apple) (Chicks YouTube Page) and encourage others to do the same. If only you had listened before, and helped me make the company some money, I would still be alive.”
Kelly’s cause of death (A Broken Heart) comes as no surprise after the onslaught of hate in the wake of “Fart Eliminator Day” on The Yak. After hearing that, yet again, the Fart Eliminator would be happening today, it was too much.
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“I just don’t like bathroom humor,” she wrote on the walls of her own bathroom mirror in dark red lipstick. “I’m sorry.”
In lieu of flowers, Kelly requested each of her true fans and supporters purchase a Pinkies Up crewneck, and a Brick Watch.
RIP in VIVA.