Watch This When You’re High - Octopus Aren’t From This Planet
PREFACE- A couple years ago I watched “My Octopus Teacher” on Netflix and it really messed me up.
Calamari was one of my favorite things to eat, (grilled #1, Rhode Island style #2) for as long as I can remember. But after watching that documentary, I was out on eating cephalopods (squid, octopus, etc.)
If you’ve watched it you already know.
Octopus/octopi aren’t from this planet.
They are aliens.
They are so insanely intelligent that they make even the brightest humans look like Neanderthals. They have NINE, yes nine, brains. They have three hearts. They have blue blood. Not like Francis, but their blood is the actual color blue. They can communicate with other octopi as well as other species of creatures in the deep.
They can camouflage themselves into literally anything. Even the water, making themselves invisible basically.
They are just truly magnificent creatures.
I think I’d gone about two and a half years since eating octopus now, but I caved last night.
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I went with my buddy from high school, Zach, to one of my favorite spots in the North End, Arya, and he ordered the calamari. We were sitting at the bar which peers directly into the kitchen and I watched the chef prep the octopus, lightly dust it in flour, then fry it up along with some cherry peppers. My mouth was salivating the entire time.
By the time it was delivered in front of us, piping hot, I couldn’t hold back. I had to have it.
It was out of this world.
Like a child caught in a lie trying to avoid feeling guilt, I quickly tried to bring up a topic that would get my mind off the fact I was eating some of the best calamari I can remember ever having- “so do you think Putin will launch a nuke before he kicks the bucket?”
It didn’t work.
With his weird sixth sense, my buddy dodged that softball question, and, as if he knew what I was really thinking, shared my sentiments- “man, I feel really bad eating octopus but this is amazing.”
FUCK.
Now Zach is a certified scuba instructor. He lives in Del Ray now and dives into shipwrecks and shit. My worst nightmare, and greatest fascination at the same time- the deep sea- he’s in it every day basically.
And he talks a lot. It’s fitting he’s such a good diver because he’s one of those people once they start talking, never stops, and you wonder, are they ever going to come up for air?
Well, he launched into all these stories about how with all his thousands of dives, he can count on one hand how many octopus he’s seen. Because they’re so good at hiding and evading danger.
Then we start talking about “My Octopus Teacher”, and then he starts talking about “Inky”.
Now if you have no clue who Inky is, you’re like me. I had no idea what he was talking about.
But get this.
Inky was this octopus that was kept in an aquarium in New Zealand, who was so fucking smart he escaped back to the ocean…
How in the fuck did an octopus get out of an aquarium and make it back to the ocean you ask?
Had to have had human assistance right?
Wrong.
He essentially pulled an Andy Dufresne from Shawshank. No joke.
Watch this.
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Out of the holding tank, squeezed itself into a tiny drainage grate, through the pipe system, and out to the ocean.
Unbelievable.
I’ve been thinking about this all day.
Most of us humans think we’re pretty smart. Thanks to gadgets and computers and passed on knowledge, we sort of are. But when it comes down to it, we really aren’t shit compared to nature.
Check out “My Octopus Teacher”
And check out some more wild facts on how impressive octopi are-