Best Of 2022 - I Am Pretty Sure My Delivery Driver Pooped Next To My Food

Well… shit.

Yes, you read the title right. I am fairly confident my delivery driver took a shit next to my food last night.

On Monday evening, I decided that I didn't really feel like cooking anything up for dinner. So I dove into one of my trusty delivery apps and ordered a sandwich, a bag of Baked Lays (I don't even like these, but we were going to waste our calories on a rare non-diet soda instead), and a bottle of Sprite.

The delivery app said it would take 20-30 minutes, which seemed reasonable.

So, I sat and waited here inside my lovely Jersey Shore house that I sunk too much money in and can't afford (I am working remotely this week, calm down don't go @ Dave on Twitter) for my delicious sandwich to arrive.

The app informed me he had picked up my order and was on his way! I showered, flipped on a few YouTube videos… waited… watched another YouTube video… waited some more… and then decided to see how far away the driver was on his journey.

To my surprise, he hadn't moved for a full 25-30 minutes! He picked up my food and just sat there. That seemed odd to me.

Look, delivery app drivers have a nearly-thankless job. No matter what I tip them, I always feel as though it isn't enough. They work in the foodservice industry, and workers in the foodservice industry deserve a ton of respect.

…if you pick up my food and then don't move for half an hour, I have to at least ask if everything is okay.

So I did.

I tried to be short, to the point, and polite. This was the reply…

Hmmm, okay, that's interesting. At least he is on his way with my fo--

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Uhhh, okay, that's odd. What the fuck could've happened? He had an emergency, but he's okay now?

Then… I got THE answer…

…UHM WHAT?!

You might be thinking, "maybe they had to pee?" No, let's not fucking beat around the bush here. A 30-minute delay, and a bathroom emergency can only mean one thing…

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HE FUCKIN' POOPED.

My mind was racing at this point, but only one thought really stuck out: did he poop next to my food?

Could he have picked up the food, walked to his car, dropped my food off, and then walked back inside to take a shit? Yes, that's entirely possible. But that is a risky thing to assume. Even if he did leave the food in the car, who knows how good he is at wiping and washing his hands!?

Another 20 minutes later (which means my food was just sitting around for nearly an hour, by the way), he finally dropped off my food.

Ugh.

I thought about eating the potential poop-particle-laced food, and drinking out of the Sprite which his potential wipe hand was grasping firmly… but I just couldn't do it. The more I thought about it, the grosser it got in my head.

The delivery service offered me a refund, and I ordered from a different restaurant.

Do I feel bad for the driver? Of course, no one likes a poop emergency. I also really don't love publicly complaining about foodservice related issues, but my word, how can I not tell this story?!

Look, I can relate to a bathroom emergency, and I don't shame the driver for it. But to indicate you've picked up my food, wait for around 30 minutes, and then inform me that you took a big shit… that's just not going to fly for me!

Here's to hoping you, yes you reading this, don't order any food today that ends up being laced with potential poop-particles.