A few weeks back, Hannah, one of our social media people, was fricken sick and tired of one of the men in the office shitting in the women's room and strongly insinuated it was Eddie:
I know, I know… you guys like to bust my balls and I like to bust yours back. I have a great relationship with the internet as far as that is concerned. So yeah, it'd be easy to point the blame at me for comedic purposes, but jokes aside… I don't shit in public places. Ever. It's not only a fear of mine, but my body knows itself so well that it knows I won't shit anywhere other than my home turf. That, and I only shit one (1) time per day, and that's in the morning after my 5am run and/or Peloton workout. My diet is so flawless that I don't need to shit in a women's room or multiple times a day.
Mind you, however, the Mystery of the Women's Room Deuce is a conspiracy that arose just before someone dropped a massive dookie on the entrance to our office:
It's clear that we have a serial pooper on the loose in the streets of Chicago. A Unipooper.
Now - the Unipooper case is still ongoing, so what we have here is a classic "who dun it?". A conspiracy, if you will. Detectives have been tirelessly investigating this crime for weeks trying to find the perpetrator, and they may have just caught their first major break in the case:
Look at this face. If this isn't a face that screams "I shit in places that aren't a men's room toilet, and I shit in them regularly", I don't know what is.
The fear in Eddie's eyes is palpable. You can grab it out of air. It radiates off his wintery frame. Make no mistake about it, that's the look of a guilty man.
Now, I believe in due process. I believe that people should be deemed innocent until proven guilty. I don't believe in the Napoleonic Code. Legally speaking, it's not what you know, it's what you can prove in court.
This ain't the US justice system though. This is the internet. The people haphazardly choose and assign guilt, innocence/proof be damned. We all see Eddie's face. That man's guilty. I know it, you know it, and everyone knows it.
We caught you Eddie, you sneaky little butthole