Welcome to the first ever John Rich Black Friday Promotional Christmas Blog presented by Barstool Sports. On behalf of Barstool Sports, I would like to wish everyone a politically correct Happy Holidays.
One of the only things Barstool Sports asks of their employees is that we respectfully shove merchandise down the throat of the internet on Black Friday. Every year, Barstool employees who don't want to be publicly humiliated by Dave Portnoy come up with their own creative way to hawk merchandise to the Stool Heads. Those who spent a certain amount of money at the Barstool Store were eligible for prizes such as a $50 gift card to the Barstool Store, or a night on the town with cocksman Jeff Nadu.
My promotion was an opportunity to be a featured in the John Rich Christmas Blog. A prize Darren Rovell valued conservatively at $1,300. I believe a total of 19 people entered the contest. At least 15 of those entries were from people who had already purchased merchandise and were reusing a screenshot they had already used to join a different Barstool blogger's contest, but that's not what's important. What's important is that if Dave Portnoy looked at my Twitter account, he would see that I put forth some effort.
The original plan was to write a blog depicting a fictional Christmas dinner between the 5 winners. To get to know the winners, I sent them each a short questionnaire about themselves. Unfortunately my questionnaire sucked. For example, I asked everyone who their favorite celebrity was. What am I supposed to do with that information? And the more I thought about it, being featured in a John Rich blog isn't much of a prize anyways. I thought the winners of my drawing deserved more. They do pay my salary after all. So fuck it. Instead of writing a dumb blog, I invited everyone over to my apartment for a Barstool Sports Christmas Extravaganza.
I've always wanted to host an extravaganza. As a newfound B-list celebrity (my friend Mitch seriously told me that) I finally have the clout to pull one off. I assumed everyone had plans for Christmas Day, so I scheduled my extravaganza for Christmas Eve so there would be no excuses.
6:00am: Too excited to sleep. Woke up my girlfriend to clean the apartment in preparation for the extravaganza. Prepared various anecdotes and jokes to tell during the party. Made up a story about the time I gave CPR to a mall Santa and was rewarded with a key to the city of Bowling Green, OH.
6:30am: Tried on various Christmas outfits.
7:30am: Went back to sleep while my girlfriend hung the decorations.
9:00am: Woke back up. A small panic ensues as I realize my dog does not have a sweater for the party. I walked him to my local pet store, Hound About Town, to buy an emergency dog sweater.
9:30am: Arrived home with the perfect sweater. Pulled the collar up over his ears as a joke. He was giving Mother Teresa.
9:45am: Reviewed the 5-person guest list, along with their answers to the questionnaire I had sent out.
Guest #1: Big T
Big T is my friend from college, but he made a purchase from the Barstool Store and I drew his name fair and square. Although I very much like Big T, I will not be giving him any special treatment at the extravaganza. I need to treat everyone with an equal amount of respect. He's a big fan of Ryan Reynolds, Angela White, and Joe Rogan.
Guest #2: Sam
Sam will be making the trip from Kenosha, Wisconsin. Sam is a big physical fitness guy. Said his hobbies include lifting weights, swimming, cycling, triathlons, and is planning to run a marathon soon. So that sucks. Sam rudely did not list his favorite celebrities for me, which puts me in a tough spot. If I end up having to talk to him about running marathons I'm going to shoot myself in the eye.
Guest #3: Titansguy
I specifically asked Titansguy if he would prefer to go by his real name. He said yes, he would like to be called Trey. But Titansguy has a nicer ring to it, so I will be ignoring his request. Titansguy has 2 golden retrievers who I did not invite to the party, as I feared they would draw attention away from my dog's new sweater. He also said he's obsessed with serial killers. His favorite celebrities are Pat McAfee, Jersey Jerry, Will Compton, and Dave Portnoy. Three of those people I know personally. Hopefully Titansguy isn't a jealous bitch.
Guest #4: Colin
Colin identifies himself as a man who likes Matt Damon, Ben Affleck, and Christian Bale. He is currently in his 6th year of college, at his 4th school, which leads me to believe he is a moron. I put the rest of the invitees in a separate group email telling them to talk slow and refrain from using big words.
Guest #5: Pilk
I'm not quite sure what to expect from Pilk. Pilk is an undeniably an awesome name, but instead of answering my questionnaire he did this weird Will Compton bit.
Surely this will be hysterical.
10:00am: Big T's shows up early to the extravaganza (I didn't put a time on the invitation). We reminisced about our time together at Bowling Green State University. Big T recalled the story of me getting a double blow from the hottest twins in school, and how I always had the greatest parties with the best drinks and purest Columbian cocaine. We talked about how my awesome cocaine parties were always crazy, but never went too far. Everyone used their drugs responsibly, and nobody ever got in trouble. My free cocaine buffets never led anybody down the wrong path.
10:30am: My girlfriend prepared the Christmas goose while Big T and I discussed where we could find some last minute cocaine on Christmas Eve. There's a government housing project down the street where a group of guys sell weed off of a folding table. I have never known them to sell blow, but I would imagine they could point us in the right direction. Especially if I wave some cash in their face.
11:00am: Big T hadn't yet commented on my dog's sweater, but I was still enjoying his company. We strapped up and got ready to head to the projects. However, we were intercepted on the way out the door by my next guess. It was Sam, who had just ran all the way from Kenosha, Wisconsin.
Sam: "I ran here all the way from Kenosha, Wisconsin. I'm training for a marathon."
Me: "So you're just going to lie to me right off the bat?"
Sam: "I love to run! I actually find it relaxing."
Me: "Kenosha is 857 miles away."
Sam: "It's a lot closer if you swim across the Great Lakes. I'm a triathlete."
Big T: "Can I kill this guy?"
Me: "Wait until after the extravaganza."
11:30am: We ultimately decided against taking our guns and cash to the projects for cocaine. I was already sick of Sam talking about running. I can't imagine how annoying he would be on drugs. The 3 of us sat around making small talk while we waited for the other guests to arrive.
Me: "Did you notice anything interesting about my dog?"
Sam: "He has a nice sweater."
Big T: "Yeah I like his sweater."
Me: "Thank you."
12:00pm: I grabbed Big T & Sam some Bahama Mama Pirate Waters as my girlfriend lowered the Christmas goose into the deep fryer.
Big T: "What are these drinks?"
Me: "They're Pirate Water! Pirate Water is a malt beverage brought to you by Barstool Sports from the makers of Four Loko."
Big T: "What flavors do they come in?"
Me: "Pirate Water comes in Bahama Mama, Miami Vice, Sex On The Beach, and Margarita. They're 10% ABV, which is perfect for getting the party started."
Sam: "Are they expensive?"
Me: "Not at all. They're going to be huge among the homeless."
Sam: "The homeless sure know how to drink."
Me: "Damn right they do."
12:30pm: Colin (the dumb guy) emailed me to let me know he was on his way.
COLIN ON WAy
We dimmed the lights and took down any flashy decorations we had in the apartment so that Colin wouldn't be overstimulated when he walked in the door.
12:45pm: I met Colin outside of my apartment complex and helped him up the stairs and into my home.
Colin: "HI DOGGIE GOOD SWEATER"
Colin was awesome. I truly enjoyed getting to know him. I had my girlfriend heat up a Pirate Water and put it in a sippy cup for him. We played a game of marry, fuck, kill with his favorite celebrities - Matt Damon, Ben Affleck, and Christian Bale. After much deliberation, Colin decided that he would fuck Matt Damon three times (he didn't quite grasp the rules of the game).
1:00pm: Titansguy arrived. He was wearing a hook for a hand.
Me: "What's up Titansguy?"
Titansguy: "Call me Trey."
Me: "I decided against that."
Titansguy: "No really, I prefer to be called Trey."
Me: "Well, I would prefer to call you Titansguy. You're wearing a hook for a hand for Christ's sake. You're clearly a Titansguy."
Titansguy: "What are you talking about? This isn't a Titans hook. Titans don't wear hooks. They have swords and shields. This is a serial killer hook. I told you I'm obsessed with serial killers."
Me: "That's a serial killer hook? That makes even less sense than a Titans hook. Serial killers don't wear hook hands. Are you planning to murder us with your hook? What the fuck are you doing? Do you think you're Freddy Krueger? He's not even a real person. Oh my god, you think Freddy Krueger is real, don't you?"
Titansguy: "First off, dickshit, Freddy Krueger has claws, not a hook. And the invitation said festive attire was mandatory. I have the invitation right here. I printed it in color so I could present it to your girlfriend at the door. Is she even here? Why isn't she doing her job? This extravaganza is bullshit."
Me: "Shut the fuck up, hook hand. It's my extravaganza. I make the rules. Hey girlfriend, come check this guy's invitation. I think cockballs over here might have forged it."
Titansguy: "Oh fuck you."
Girlfriend: "Let me see." examines invitation "Sorry honey, it looks real. I think we have to let him in."
Me: "God dammit… Well, thanks for being honest babe. That's why I love you."
Girlfriend: "I love you too babe."
Titansguy: "So can I come inside your small apartment?"
Me: "God, I fucking hate you so much."
Titansguy: "Your dog looks like a bitch."
Me: "I'm going to poison your food."
Titansguy: "You don't have the chops for poison."
Titansguy grabs himself a Pirate Water and introduces himself to the rest of my guests.
1:30pm: It's a hostile situation inside my apartment. My girlfriend is struggling to remove the goose from the deep fryer. I took my Titansguy beef too far and am now baselessly accusing him of being a pedophile. Titansguy raises his hook hand at me, but before he can gouge my eyes out, there's a knock at the door. The final guest had arrived. Pilk opens the door.
Pilk: "Merry Christmas from the North Pole!"
Me: "Merry Christmas Pilk."
Colin: drools on his sweater
Pilk: "I'm Will Compton in Year 10 my a stint at the Nor-- "
I slam the door in Pilk's face. I will not be having that shit at my extravaganza.
2:00pm: The Christmas goose is finally ready to be served. My girlfriend is covered in 3rd degree burns from removing the goose from the deep fryer. But she's a trooper and serves all of us before Ubering to the emergency room.
Me: How are you enjoying your goose?
Big T: It's delicious. Thank you John for inviting us over for an extravaganza. This is much better than being featured in some stupid nonsensical blog you wrote last minute while the rest of your family was trying to have a nice Christmas Eve, but due to your procrastination you were unable to fully participate in Christmas because you were writing a stupid fucking story.
Me: You're right, Big T. This is a lot better than if I would have done exactly that.
Sam: Colin just shit his pants.
Me: Titansguy, can you handle that?
Titansguy: Why me?
Me: No, you're right, good point. How about you take a bite of that Christmas goose, since I don't have the chops for poison?"
Titansguy considers taking a bite of goose to call my bluff, but in the end, he was too much of a pussy. He picks Colin up out of his high chair and carries him to the restroom to clean the shit off his ass.
2:30pm: Myself, Sam, and Big T discuss politics and enjoy our goose.
Me: "Can you believe Donald Trump?"
Big T: "Not like Joe Biden is any better."
Sam: "What is happening to our country?"
Girlfriend: "My Uber is here I'm going to the hospital."
Me: "Ok. Love you babe, let me know how it goes."
3:00pm: We devoured the delicious Christmas goose, and it was now time for the gifts. I recently went into business with a shyster from the Bronx. We've been manufacturing knock-off Brick Watches. Our goal is to capitalize on the market of Stoolies who would like to own a Brick Watch but can't afford the $15,000 price point. I gifted everyone, including Titansguy, a fake Brick Watch.
Sam: "Wow a Brick Watch! These are expensive. Is this real?"
Me: "Sure is."
3:30pm: I come to the harsh realization that I have nothing left planned for my extravaganza. To be frank, I would prefer if everyone left my house. It's not often I get the place to myself, and with my girlfriend in the emergency room for the next few hours, it seemed like a shame to not take advantage of this opportunity. But I promised an extravaganza, and an extravaganza is what I was going to deliver.
Me: "So what do you guys want to do?"
Big T: "I'm down for whatever."
Sam: "I was maybe going to take a quick jog."
Colin: looks dumb
Titansguy: "Sick extravaganza you got here."
Me: "I will cut your dick off with a knife and feed it to Colin"
Titansguy: "Oh wow, I'm so scared. How about you worry about your girlfriend? She's in the fucking hospital."
Me: "SHUT THE FUCK UP THIS IS MY HOME I PAY 40% OF THE RENT AND WILL DO WHAT I PLEASE."
Titansguy: dumps an entire Pirate Water onto my hardwood floor
Me: deep breath Dog, will you please take care of that?
My Dog: "Bark" happily trots over to the spill and licks up an entire 24 oz. Pirate Water off the floor
Me: Thank you, dog. Ok, I have an idea. I'm going to go see if Pilk is still outside, and maybe he'll do his Will Compton North Pole bit for us.
Big T: That's a really good idea John.
4:00pm: I walk out my front door where Pilk is crying on the steps of my apartment. The Barstool Sports Christmas Extravaganza was supposed to be the best day of his life, and he got kicked out within seconds. I sit down next to Pilk, put my arm around him, and rubbed his shoulder like a father comforting his cranky son.
Me: Your time is now, Pilk. The extravaganza is in dire straits. The only thing that can save it now is the perfect bit. Do you by chance have anything planned?
Pilk's face lights up like a Christmas Tree. He gives me a giant Christmas hug and a kiss on the lips. He leaps up and darts into my apartment. As he enters the room, he rips off his outer layer of clothing revealing a festive Will Compton + Buddy The Elf costume.
Pilk: ATTENTION EXTRAVAGANZA! MY NAME IS WILL COMPTON, AND I AM IN YEAR 10 OF MY STINT AS AN ELF AT THE NORTH POLE!!!!
The crowd goes fucking wild. Sam begins doing wind sprints from end to end of my 500 square foot apartment. Colin bangs his head against the exposed brick. Titansguy ferociously rips up my couch with his hook hand. Big T claps politely like a gentleman. And I sit back and smile. The extravaganza was finally coming together.
Pilk: standing on my kitchen counter I'VE TRAVELED A LONG WAY TO BE HERE IN JERSEY CITY TO CELEBRATE THE HOLIDAY WITH YOU! BOY AM I TIRED! WHO IS IN THE MOOD FOR SOME CINNAMON VAPE?!!!
Pilk raises a cinnamon vape above his head. The crowd falls silent with anticipation. Then he slowly lowers the vape and puts it to his lips. Everyone holds their breath. Pilk takes the most monster Christmas vape hit the world has ever seen. He blows a cloud so large it fills the apartment. Nobody can see farther than 2 feet in front of their face. As the smoke clears, Pilk leaps from the kitchen counter. As if it's all happening in slow motion, he leans back as he flies through the air and executes the perfect People's Elbow, smashing through my glass coffee table. Glass shatters everywhere. Pilk stands up. He's covered in his own blood.
Pilk: I AM A FUNCTIONING EGGNOGOHOLIC!!! WHO WANTS TO DRINK SOME NOG WITH ME!!!
All of a sudden, Pilk is holding 2 pitchers of eggnog. Everyone gathers at his feet. They hold their mouths open like desperate baby birds.
Sam: Feed me! Feed me! FEED ME YOUR NOG, YOU BEAUTIFUL ELF MAN!!
Pilk: I WILL FEED YOU MY NOG!! BUT FIRST!! I NEED SOMETHING FROM EACH AND EVERY ONE OF YOU!!!
Sam: Yes of course! Of course! I'll do anything! Anything for you to pour your delicious nog down my tight little throat!
Pilk: DO YOU REMEMBER THE GOOD OLD DAYS?! THE DAYS OF YORE!!! THE DAYS WHEN CANDY CORN WAS ALL THE KIDS EVER WANTED!!?!!!?!!!
Sam: Yes, I remember! I REMEMBER SO FUCKING HARD!!!
Pilk: I NEED YOU ALL TO PROMISE ME ONE THING!! PROMISE ME THAT WHEN YOU LEAVE HERE TODAY, YOU WILL BUY ALL OF THE CANDY CORN IN JERSEY CITY!! NOT ONLY WILL YOU BUY THE CANDY CORN, BUT YOU WILL TRAVEL THE COUNTRY PREACHING THE GOOD WORD!!! PREACH OF CANDY!! PREACH OF CORN!! PREACH OF THE SWEETEST MOST DELICIOUS TREAT THAT HAS EVER GRACED THIS GOD FORSAKEN HELL SCAPE WE CALL EARTH!!!
Sam: OH MY FUCKING GOD I FUCKING PROMISE I WILL DEDICATE MY LIFE TO THE CORN!!!!
Pilk: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHH!!!!! AHHHHHHH!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!
Sam: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!
Colin: pukes on the floor
Big T: Sounds great man!
Pilk: THE PEOPLE HAVE SPOKEN!!!!!!! HERE COMES MY NOG!!!!!
Pilks pours his thick, white nog all over the faces of my guests. Now THIS is an extravaganza.
Pilk: AHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!! DRINK MY NOG!!! DRINK MY NOG!!!!
Pilk pulls on a string hanging from my living room ceiling that I had never noticed before. When he pulls the string, a trap door opens. Tons upon tons of delicious Christmas candy corn dumps out of the ceiling and floods my apartment. It's pure chaos.
I watched over my guests as they enjoy the perfect Christmas extravaganza. I was pleased, but I couldn't help but feel like something was missing. We had bellies full of goose, nog, and candy corn. My bitch girlfriend was finally out of the house. What more could I want for my extravaganza? For some reason, there was an emptiness inside of me. I had been feeling down for the past couple of months, but I was certain a Christmas extravaganza would fix that. But such is life. I suppose it's something I have to learn to accept. Maybe there is nothing that will ever make me truly happy.
I continued watching over my party as Pilk filmed Titansguy and Sam making out on a pile of candy corn while Big T did straight guy things. At least my guests were happy. That's when, out of nowhere, a puke-covered Colin taps me on the shoulder. He motions me to the restroom. I followed him to the restroom, assuming he either needed cleaned up or was looking for a sexual favor. I was down for whatever. But when I got to the restroom, to my surprise, Colin pulled a baggie out of his pocket. He dumped the contents of the baggie on my bathroom counter. It was an 8-ball of the whitest, most beautiful cocaine I had ever seen. Colin gave me a wink, and buried his puke-covered face into the pile of drugs. Naturally, I followed suit. We both did a responsible amount of cocaine. Enough that we would have a good time, but not too much that whoever is editing this blog needs to cut this part out.
Colin and I shared a double high-five and rejoined the party. Now I felt right. THIS is how I'm supposed to feel. THIS is what it feels like to be alive. NOW my extravaganza felt how it should. I knew that 10 minutes later my depression would come on even stronger. But that didn't matter. For the next 10 minutes, I was on top of the world. For the next 10 minutes, I was a god.
The Barstool Sports Christmas Extravaganza was complete.