Elon is Once Again Asking For Your Financial Support... To Save Twitter
It’s all starting to make sense why Elon’s been on edge lately.
Turns out eccentric billionaires are just like us… sometimes they need to get their money right, too.
Earlier this week, the man that (allegedly) once cucked Johnny Depp sold $3.6B worth of Tesla stock. Speculation was rampant about why he needed to secure the bag…
Perhaps he needed to buy Christmas gifts for his countless offspring? Or maybe he wanted to pay down some of the crippling debt he saddled Twitter with? Or did he just need a few shekels to lawyer up and make that UCF student behind @ElonJet wish he had stuck to Instagram?
Well, we have our answer (spoiler: he needs to stop the bleeding at Twitter)…
Elon is reportedly going all “Investors? Possibly you!”
Snitches familiar with the situation claim that one of Elon’s henchmen has been peddling more Twitter equity to investors that already invested in the microblogging site. Elon is offering up equity at $54.20 per share… the same exact price he paid for the company.
WSJ - Elon Musk’s team has reached out for potential fresh investment for Twitter Inc. at the same price as the original $44 billion deal, according to one shareholder who said he was contacted about the proposal.
Just one problem: Elon already admitted that he wildly overpaid for Twitter.
That could make it difficult to convince wealthy, presumably "smart" investors to part with their cash, especially with the world staring down the barrel of an economic shitstorm. And if the macro backdrop doesn’t put blood in investor’s stool, the current state of affairs at Twitter will. Ad revenue has been harder to come by than a chick Elon wouldn’t bang “for the sake of repopulating Earth.”
WSJ - A Wall Street Journal report earlier in December suggested Twitter is essentially offering its ads at half price this month, matching up to $1 million for advertisers who book at least $500,000 in incremental spending. For some context, Meta Platforms saw its ad prices fall just 18% last quarter from a year earlier.
Earlier this month the New York Times reported that as of October, Twitter’s roster of advertisers had fallen nearly 42% since May. Similarweb’s data paint an even worse picture: Activity on Twitter’s ad manager, a subdomain of Twitter’s ad platform sites that specifically hosts those creating or monitoring ad campaigns, declined nearly 74% in October from a year earlier, according to the firm’s data. In November, visits fell 85% on the same basis—the largest ad traffic decline since Twitter’s change of hands.
But don’t for a second think Elon won’t come out better off on the other side of this. If people like Dave’s mortal enemy (Ross Gerber, who invested in Twitter and was approached about the opportunity) won’t pony up, Elon will probably just focus his efforts on the dumb money (read: me).
Sure, he could easily increase the price of Twitter Blue and not one goddamn person that already thinks it's worth $8 would blink an eye. But imagine how much more money he could make if he pulled a Donny Politics and started slinging NFTs. Especially if they gave Elon Ryders the chance to hang out with him at, say, a Chappelle show… or just sit around and throw shade at Bill Gates for an afternoon.
Or if he wants to keep it analog…
A Twitter Not-A-Flamethrower would break the internet and if Elon released Twitter-quila society would devolve into a scene straight out of 'The Purge'.
Of course, if all else fails, he could probably just start a GoFundMe.
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