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What If Orphans Had Tinder Profiles?

Welcome back to another episode of Original Blog Wheel. It's going to be a tough act to follow my previous @PotatoGobbler blog, Or maybe not. I don't know. that's just something I said to make this intro paragraph into more than 1 sentence. 

If I would have remembered that @StoolieMemes had already won the Blog Wheel, I most likely would not have included his topic. Ideally a new person would win the Blog Wheel every week (or however frequently I decide to do it). But I didn't remember, so fair play. Good topic. Good job not being memorable (sorry, mean). Decent topic I guess. It's an ok topic. The main reason I picked this topic is so I could make some fake kid profiles. I like making up fake people. It's fun. 

But I should probably do a little more than simple make a few Adoption Tinder profiles. Adoption Tinder actually doesn't sound like the worst idea ever. I know next to nothing about the current adoption process in America. All I know is that it takes a long fucking time, and there's a ton of vetting of the families who want to adopt. I'd imagine there's already something in place for orphans who are old enough to have a personality to express themselves to potential families. I'd hope so at least. Unless it's literally just like the NFL Combine where the parents walk in and are given a list of the kids measurables, and they take turns picking kids based on their good looks, IQ, broad jump, etc. There has to be some sort of matchmaking process in place right? Do kids have the right to say no to a family? I could probably Google that pretty quickly, but I prefer to just ask questions into thin air. 

Imagine being ghosted by a 9 year old. You and your lovely wife decide to make the leap of adopting a child. You're swiping through your options - NO, NO, NO, NO, NO - then FINALLY, the perfect kid. Just the right size. Just the right age. Just the right race. You decide to swipe right. Low and behold, the kid swipes right too! Amazing! You send him a picture of you're loving family to let him know what his future could hold... Then you get nothing back... Days go by. "Maybe he just hasn't logged into his Adoption Tinder account for a while. He'll surely get back to us one of these days." 

But it never happens. A year later, at your real son's travel baseball game, you see a kid on the other team who looks familiar. It's the child who ghosted you. Not only is he on the other team, but he's pitching. He's throwing gas. And he already has an effective off-speed pitch. At 9 years old? That's unheard of. He throws 3 perfect innings (which is the maximum number of innings Little League allows kids to throw at 9 years old), and goes 4-4 from at the plate. After the game you see him run and hug the opposing team's head coach. You realize that the head coach is his dad. His mom is a bombshell (D-Cups). She's handing out Gushers and Hi-C Orange to every kid on the team. Their family is so fucking cool. The kid who ghosted you is so fucking cool. Your nerdy unathletic family never stood a chance. Heartbreaking. Can you imagine?

Alright enough of that. If there was an adoption Tinder, here are what the profiles might look like. 

Faces are blurred out to protect the identity of the fake children

When I was done making these profiles I was like, ok great, sick jokes John. What a hard day's work. Then my girlfriend was like, "Well are you going to make profiles for the parents?" 

I hadn't considered the parents side of things. Maybe next time. 

It's also dawned on me that the profiles maybe should have been made from the perspective of the children, instead of these vague random bios. Like, a kid would never include "Absolute disaster of a child. Not deserving of love.", in his Tinder Adoption profile. I just started typing shit. I pretty much immediately lost the plot of the whole Adoption Tinder concept and just started making up character profiles at random. Thank you for reading.

Blog Wheel Complete