I Hate To Break It To You, But You Are An Asshole If You Dress Up Your Car
I was sitting here this afternoon struggling to find a topic for a blog. My mind was completely occupied by the wild invasion of HQ this morning and its immediate fallout. Sometimes I get so wrapped up in the Barstool universe I forget other things are happening in the real world. Also, I find Mintzy to be one of the most fascinating people on the planet. Is he a naive patsy or a double agent genius? I can't decide.
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Struggling to focus, I opened up my main group text. Most guys have the kind of group text I am referring to. The one with a large group of long-time friends where the most heinous and ruthless shit is said with the understanding that it will never see the light of day. The kind that if anyone ever got ahold of the transcripts you might all be thrown in jail or canceled.
This is the group text that makes you question whether or not the people in it actually like each other. Even on birthdays we spend the entire day sending embarrassing pictures of the guy and roasting the shit out of him. I'm sure there is some deeper meaning behind all of this that my therapist could explain but we just call it good old fashioned friendship.
But even though this convention of idiots is a lawless, savage place, there is one universally agreed upon rule: Nothing leaves the group text.
Well today, I am breaking the golden rule because one of my friends is riding around town with a god damn wreath on the back of his Jeep.
No, you are not worse than a Nazi. I'm not even sure it's possible to be worse than a Nazi. But just know that even Nazis probably pass you on the road and think, "get a load of this asshole."
Getting into the Christmas spirit is one thing but riding around looking like an extra from a live-action remake of Whoville is something else. He claims that his wife is the one responsible for defacing his ride with this grotesque display of holiday over-enthusiasm.
If it is true there is only one way to handle the situation. I'm all for the sanctity of the American home but you have to file for divorce immediately.
"Daddy, why do we only see you on the weekends now?"
"Well, mommy thought it was OK to metaphorically castrate daddy with a piney festive cock ring. Don't cry. At least you get to celebrate Christmas twice!"
It is never OK to dress up your car. A wreath is just slightly behind putting antlers on you car and antlers are just the holiday version of headlight eyelashes.
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There is no better way to say "I am the last person you want to invite to your next social gathering" than putting eyelashes or antlers on your car.
And don't even get me started on the truck hitch nutsack. We get it, you love Morgan Wallen and the word snowflake. Do something creative like putting a giant dildo on your truck hitch. Throw a 13-inch swinging knee-knocker on the back and then you're making a statement.
It amazes me that people are willing to spend $17 on Amazon to purchase truck nuts when it obviously makes everyone think you're a douchebag. Especially when this Dogecoin shirt is available for the same price in the Barstool store.
No purchase in the history of mankind has allowed someone to illustrate their lack of financial responsibility and douchiness in so many ways at one time. It truly is a masterpiece.
I think the most disappointing part of my friend riding around town in that mirthful mockery, is that just a few weeks ago he told me his plans to make the greatest Jeep wheel cover known to man. A statement that would make his kids proud, revered, and probably even feared at their elementary school.
He was about to print a cover with the Love Sosa intro.
No one is going to make fun of you for that car decoration. Not unless they want to hear from Lil' Reese and them.
So I know the holidays are about acceptance and love but I will not accept this wreath. Something needs to be done. A year or so ago his Jeep (this exact one) was stolen for about a week. When he finally got it back it was obviously just used for joy rides as nothing was damaged and there was a pile of blunt roaches in the ashtray.
I am calling on those same folks to once again make this thing disappear. The Jeep can disappear temporarily but please make the wreath gone for good.