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Indonesia Is Banning Premarital Sex

Reuters- Indonesia's parliament on Tuesday banned sex outside marriage with a punishment of up to one year in jail, despite worries the laws may scare away tourists from its shores and harm investment. Lawmakers approved a new criminal code which will apply to Indonesians and foreigners alike and also prohibit cohabitation between unmarried couples.

Very cool! Huge win for the incels. They were due for one. 

You can always rely on Indonesia for some good blogging material. Personally, I had Indonesia pegged as a sex-having country. It has a very promiscuous vibe to me. It's hard to get to. It's made up of a whole bunch of islands that are isolated from the rest of the world. I would think a place like that would be a sex haven. Maybe that's the problem. Maybe sex in Indonesia has gotten so out of control, that they needed to put a law in place to contain it.

But how the hell can you enforce such a rule? According to the article, the ban will not go into effect for another 3 years, so Indonesia has some time to figure out how they will go about doing so. Luckily for the Indonesian authorities, I have a solution. I know just the people who can help with this.

Here in America, we have an enormous population of terrible horrible pathetic disgusting pathetic pathetic people who love nothing more than enforcing rules. It's an epidemic. I wrote a blog yesterday about a man who had a nurse fired because she texted him after his appointment to tell him he was handsome. As soon as he received the text, he sprung into action, and promptly reported the nurse for a HIPPA violation. 

For that fucking loser, the opportunity to get somebody in trouble for breaking the rules is like Christmas morning. And there are SO MANY other people in this country who are exactly like him. They spend their days watching others, seething at the mouth waiting for someone to slip up so they can whack them over the head with a swift "THAT'S NOT ALLOWED!"  And if they have the chance to get the police involved... oh my god. There is nothing that would make them happier than having their actions lead to the arrest of an undeserving stranger.  

Let's consider Sunglasses Cop Calling Lady.

Giphy Images.

Can you imagine if we presented her with this once in a lifetime opportunity to live in beautiful, exotic Indonesia and enforce the rules FOR A LIVING!? This isn't just any rule either. This is an opportunity to prevent people from doing what they love the most - Having Sex. Holy shit. Sunglasses Cop Calling Lady would salivate at this opportunity. This is an opportunity to hold a position of power over young men and women in the primes of their lives. Men and women who are doing absolutely nothing to hurt anyone. The power to put an end to their harmless fun. The power to have them thrown in an Indonesian jail for enjoying themselves too much. Hoards upon hoards of our worst American's would flock to sign up for this program.

We'll simply strike up a deal with the Indonesian Government, where we provide them with x number of Sunglasses Cop Calling Ladies in exchange for whatever Indonesia has a lot of (maybe some cool drugs or something). They'll each be presented with a literal key to the city of whatever Indonesian jurisdiction they are assigned to. They'll be called the Indonesian Sexual Intercourse Squad. For ISIS, there are no rules. We tell them to go crazy. Kick down doors, peep through windows, install cameras, stalk people for weeks at a time, whatever it takes. Every citizen + tourist of Indonesia will be subject to random genitalia checks. Men will wear sensors on their dicks so ISIS can track when people are hard (or more importantly, when they go soft). They'll provide women with modest, concealing clothing to prevent sexual temptation. Wearing hijabs will be strong recommended, and enforced when necessary. 

My solution is a win-win-win. It's a win for the Sunglasses Cop Calling Ladies, as they get to work their dream job. It's a win for Indonesia, because they'll have their intrusive no-sex rule enforced. And it's a win for America, as we'll be able to start funneling our most awful people out of our country. Every bad idea presents an opportunity. We need to take advantage of this one.