The Indianapolis Colts Sunday Night Football Viewing Experience

John Rich12/05/2022 2:40 PM

I've found myself in the position of being the Barstool Sports Colts blogger. Meaning that once per week, it's my duty to write something about the most uninspiring team in the NFL. With the exception of that one week where Jim Irsay brought shame to the NFL by hiring Jeff Saturday, it hasn't been much fun writing about them. So I'm going to try something different here.

The NFL rudely gave the Colts vs Cowboys the Sunday Night Football time slot. I understand they need to meet their quota of 14 primetime Dallas Cowboys games per season, but I really wish they would have skipped this one. Here is a minute by minute breakdown of an Indianapolis Colts fan's Sunday Night Football Experience. I hate it already.

FYI there are White Lotus spoilers in this blog. I used white font so you have to highlight them to read. There are also Colts vs Cowboys spoilers, in case you have it recorded and are planning to watch it later this week.

8:15pm - I've pulled up the Colts game on a second laptop. The Colts haven't earned my big TV this year. I'm sure there's some people out there who would say I'm, "less of a fan" because New Girl reruns are taking precedent over my team's Sunday Night Football game, but I don't see it that way. I don't settle for anything less that mediocrity. Mediocrity is fine, I'm used to the Colts being mediocre. But this year they are less than mediocre. If you're less than mediocre, then you don't get the big TV.

8:25pm - The game is about to kick off. I've decided I would like the Colts to tank, and have made the following bet.s If the Colts show some life then MAYBE I will reward them with a money line live bet. But again, that is something they will need to earn. (Colts 0, Cowboys 0)

8:32pm - The Colts forced an immediate 3 & out, and followed it up with a 52 yard field goal. I wasn't expecting that. Seeing Mike McCarthy on the opposing sideline does inspire a bit of hope. I've turned up the volume slightly on my laptop, but it's still tough to hear. The voice of Zooey Deschanel rings loudly throughout my apartment. (Colts 3, Cowboys 0)

8:39pm - The Cowboys are driving. This is the first time I've noticed how stupid Ezekiel Elliot looks in his spaceship helmet (or whatever the fuck you call this).

8:41pm - Ceedee Lamb scored one of those super embarrassing touchdowns where our defense tackled him but his knees and elbows didn't actually hit the ground. Luckily White Lotus starts in 19 minutes (Colts 3, Cowboys 7)

8:50pm - The Colts just marched the ball down the field with zero resistance from the Cowboys defense and scored an immediate touchdown. This is not how I expected my Indianapolis Colts Sunday Night Football Experience to go. The problem now is that White Lotus is about to start. White Lotus is way too good of a show to not watch in real time. Aubrey Plaza has been incredible, and I feel like things are about to pop off. At the end of the last episode, we learned that the hot guy who Jennifer Coolidge's assistant has been hooking up is actually fucking his uncle. Tonight is the penultimate episode, and usually that's the best episode of the season. (Colts 10, Cowboys 7)

9:00pm - The Cowboys punted the ball as soon as the White Lotus theme song started. It's one of the best theme songs I've ever heard. A 10/10 certified banger on the Official Barstool Sports Certified Banger Scale. That's the first 10/10 Barstool has given out since Closer by the Chainsmokers. I just recorded this sick video as the Colts were going 3 & out.

9:09pm - Tony Pollard scored a touchdown. That's good for my bet at least (Colts 10, Cowboys 14)

9:12pm - Aubrey Plaza just caught her husband talking to the hookers. Bad news for her husband.

9:14pm - ESPN just did a Colts Quarterback Horses graphic. I told you NEIGH was going to catch on

9:18pm - The hookers are about to fuck everything up. Matt Ryan just got pulverized in the backfield on 3rd & 5 and the Colts are punting it away. Colts might be done.

9:24pm - Dak Prescott just threw a ball directly into our linebackers chest and he dropped it.

9:26pm - The hooker in White Lotus is being chased down the road by her pimp. The pimp caught up to her, and is trying to take her back home. HOLY SHIT the Colts just got an interception. Our entire defense is celebrating with a choreographed dance. Colts have the ball in the red zone!

9:28pm - The hooker ended up going back with her pimp.

9:33pm - Colts kicked a field goal. They are still very much in this game (Colts 13, Cowboys 14)

9:40pm - Jennifer Coolidge is about to do cocaine with a hot Italian man. It looks fun, but I don't trust him. The Cowboys just punted again. Colts defense is playing pretty well.

9:45pm - Matt Ryan threw an interception. Jennifer Coolidge is having a blast doing cocaine, but something terrible is definitely going to happen to her. This show really makes me want to go to Italy.

9:50pm - The Cowboys scored with 13 seconds left in the half. Overall, that was a pretty watchable first half from the Colts. Thank you Colts.

Halftime: Colts 13, Cowboys 21

Note: This blog is already way too long. It seemed like a good idea when I started, but now I'm second guessing it. You'd have to be pretty plugged in to both the Colts and White Lotus to give a shit about any of this. I'm quite literally just narrating my extremely average Sunday night.

10:03pm - The hot Italian guy who fucks his uncle is starting to get weird

10:05pm - The Colts really are the worst. It's an 8 point game, so I can't just give up on them. They've inspired just enough hope that I have to stay plugged in

10:09pm - White Lotus is over. It was an underwhelming episode.

10:11pm - The Colts just ran a sick draw play on 3rd & 11 and gained about 3 yards. I'm going to let my dogs out and get ready for bed.

10:24pm - I get back to my TV laptop, and somehow the Colts have the ball in Cowboys territory. They're 1000% not going to win this game. That will never happen. But now I have to sit here and pretend that they might make comeback. GO COLTS!

10:30pm - TOUCHDOWN COLTS! Matt Ryan throws a beautiful back shoulder pass to Alec Pierce. Sometimes Matt Ryan actually looks decent. I swear there's times (like right now) where the Colts look like they can play with anyone. If we can somehow win this game, then win the next 2 games, then we're back to .500. The Titans aren't that good anyways. They just got their ass kicked by the Eagles. We played the Eagles way better than they did. The Titans could easily go on a losing streak here. Then all of the sudden - BAM! - Colts are back on top of the AFC South.

For some reason the Colts are lining up for a 2 point conversion (Colts 19, Cowboys 21)

10:31pm - Colts missed the 2 point conversion (Colts 19, Cowboys 21)

10:34pm - Why the fuck are we going for 2? It's way too early to do that. I don't like going for 2 until it's needed. Now if the Cowboys score, it's a 2 possession game. It's almost like Jeff Saturday has never coached before.

10:36pm - Ezekiel Elliot is a charity case. Jerry Jones just likes him. He's no longer a top 15 running back in the league. Tony Pollard runs circles around him. I've been annoyed by Ezekiel Elliot ever since he was at Ohio State and insisted on rolling up his jersey so everyone could see his abs.

10:44pm - Touchdown Cowboys. Now it's a 2 score game. At least I don't have to keep my hopes up anymore. (Colts 19, Cowboys 28)

10:48pm - Colts Tight End Mo Alie-Cox (cool name, average player) fumbled and Cowboys returned it for a touchdown. For some reason the Cowboys just went for 2. They ran a reverse pass with CeeDee Lamb, and he threw the ball 100 mph directly into the ground. So it's still just a 2 score game. I should just turn the game off now, but I'm so deep into this stupid blog that I have to see it through. Maybe something funny will happen. (Colts 19, Cowboys 34)

10:59pm - Matt Ryan threw another interception. The tank is officially on. Unfortunately, there's no quarterbacks that excite me in the draft this year. Matt Fitzgerald, sportswriter for Barstool Sports, did a mock draft the other week and had us taking Hendon Hooker from Tennessee. I can't imagine that would work out for the Colts. What we really need to do is trade our 1st round draft pick for 3 more draft picks. We need to fully load up on picks. Time for a full rebuild.

11:03pm - Tony Pollard scored. I didn't even see how it happened. I just looked up and he was running into the end zone. We blocked the extra point. (Colts 19, Cowboys 40)

11:09pm - I can't believe there's still 9 minutes left in this game

11:10pm - The Colts just turned it over again. Matt Ryan interception. They're literally turning the ball over faster than I can type. Buy a Matty Ice shirt. They won't be available for much longer.

11:14pm - Ezekiel Elliot scored. He did the thing where he jumps into the red Salvation Army pot as a celebration. He probably didn't even donate. Be better than Ezekiel Elliot, and make a real donation to the Salvation Army. (Colts 19, Cowboys 47)

11:15pm - You could make the argument that Ezekiel Elliot jumping into the red Salvation Army pot prompted me to post that link. Which would mean that his actions are contributing to the cause. He is drawing attention to the Salvation Army after all. It would still be nice if he made a real donation though (Please nobody send me an article about how Ezekiel Elliott donated hundred of thousands of dollars to charity earlier this year. I know that probably exists. There's no need to pull receipts on me)

11:19pm - To anyone who is still reading this, I'm so sorry.

11:20pm - The Colts just turned it over again. Alec Pierce fumble.

11:21pm - Or maybe they didn't turn it over? Looks like we still have the ball. It must have been overturned. I'm only half paying attention. Who fucking cares. Once again, I am sorry to anyone reading this.

11:22pm - Ok now we turned it over for real. Matt Ryan fumble returned for a touchdown (Colts 19, Cowboys 54)

11:25pm - Never mind. The touchdown was reversed. I can't keep up. I just want to get this stupid fucking blog to the finish line (Colts 19, Cowboys 47)

11:26pm - Ok now the Cowboys scored for real. Some running back named Davis. I've never even heard of him. (Colts 19, Cowboys 54)

11:30pm - It has just been brought to my attention that 19-54 is a scoragami. That's pretty exciting. The Colts will probably score now to fuck that up too.

11:32pm - It's over. We got a scoragami. Hooray. I'm not even going to take the time to proofread this blog. It doesn't matter. Nothing about the Colts matters. Wake me up whenever we have a Quarterback.