I Want To Eat Bar Pies On The South Shore

Boston Globe. Getty Images.

After spending the last 30 years, or so, eating in various restaurants across this great country of ours, I thought there weren't many dishes I had yet to experience.

When my good friend, Jeff Vibbert, would try to shock people with exotic delicacies on Lowering The Bar, I was often nonplused by the offerings because I had tried them multiple times before.

Jeff: "Hey, Large, you wanna try durian… A fruit native to Sumatra whose custardy pulp has a taste that's been compared to stale vomit?"

Me: "Nah, Vibbsy… I just had it for lunch on Tuesday."

Recently, however, I have discovered that with all the time I have spent sampling fertilized eggs from Cambodia or canned fermented herring from Sweden I have ignored many of the regional delicacies right here in the good ol' US of A.

So I am going to change that.

I am lucky enough to travel quite a bit with Barstool… Between real boxing, NASCAR, RnR, and a couple of other events, I have visited over a dozen different cities so far this year.  I was in Nashville earlier this month to open our newest bar, and while I was there, I made it a point to go off on my own to try a couple of off-the-beaten-path delicacies that had nothing to do with traditional Southern BBQ or the very popular (and very overrated) Nashville Hot Chicken.  I tried two different places, and both were home runs… I will write about them next week.

In a couple of weeks, I will be in Boston for some awards show and I have ZERO desire to try another Bahston cream pie, lobstah roll, or bowl of clam chowdah while I'm there.

--- Apologies for typing out "Boston, "lobster", and "chowder" that way… The whole "Paahk the caah in Havaahd garaahge" schtick is never funny. --- 

Instead, I am going to try a couple of New England's regional delicacies that I am sure I have had before, but never in Massachusetts.

The first is this roast beef sandwich served North of the city that locals affectionately call "North Shore Beefs".

("The cucks on the tuck get a serious beef.")

Thin slices of rare roast beef piled high on a toasted onion roll with American cheese and mayo, and then smothered in some sort of barbecue sauce (I'm told James River sauce is the preferred brand, but that might be untrue).  I've read articles on this dish and one Boston native described the sandwich's delicious sloppiness by saying, "If it ain’t a murder scene, you might as well toss it in the trash.”

(read the caption)

I've had Italian Beefs in Chicago, a couple of 'beef on wecks' in Buffalo, pit beefs outside of Baltimore, and more roast beef sandwiches at the legendary Brennan & Carr in Brooklyn, NY than I can remember… So sign me up to try a murder scene of beef and sauce on the North Shore.

The second thing I need to try is Boston's South Shore bar pies.

Again… I have had tavern-style or bar pies all over the East Coast.  I live in Northern NJ, so both Kinchley's and Nellie's are only a stone's throw from where I live.  However, I happened to stop into some place in Connecticut last year on my drive home from Rough N Rowdy in Providence and I fell in love with their version of the dish.

All bar pies are cooked in well-seasoned pans and have a thin and crispy "cracker crust".  The cheese (sometimes a mix of cheddar and mozzarella) typically goes all the way to the edge of the pie.  Most bar pizzas are small; commonly baked in 10” pans.  So they’re really intended to serve one person, OR intended to let fat people (like me) order more than one at a sitting.

The aforementioned place in Connecticut, "The Colony Grill", tweaks that recipe ever so slightly by dousing their pies in "hot oil" upon request, and adding a spicy pepper they call "Stingers".

Those little tweaks are what create blood flow in my otherwise dead dick, so I am chomping at the bit the see how the South Shore bastardizes their bar pies.

"Bastardize" is a strong word, and I don't mean it with a negative connotation… I like when people throw 'wrenches into the works' culinarily.

I don't give a fuck if you like ketchup on your hot dog, pineapple on your pizza, or baby laxative in your cocaine… To each his own, and I will try any variation on a classic dish as long as it sounds appetizing.

That's why when I am driving back from Boston after attending an awards show where I am certain to not win an award, I plan on stopping into a joint called the Lynwood Cafe in Randolph, MA…

Boston Globe. Getty Images.

Who, on top of cranking out traditional bar pies since 1949, also makes a fucking MONSTROSITY called the "Bean Special" that I am dying to taste and is covered in baked beans, salami, and onions… Baked beans make me happy.

By the way, Lynwood Cafe is one of the first places my boss reviewed waaaaaaay back in 2013, and he gave it an 8 out of 10 (which we now know is a rookie score)… So it comes well recommended.

If there are any beef or bar pie places I NEED to go to next month, please drop me a line… I don't have a ton of time in Boston so I want to have the best of both.

Take a report.

-Large