Gear Up for the Big Game | New Football T-Shirts, Hoodies, Hats, Beanies, Flags and MoreSHOP NOW

The Miracle Cure For Diarrhea Is Here And It's Literally Pills Of Poop

For the first time, the US Food and Drug Administration has granted approval for a feces-based microbial treatment, which is used to prevent a recurring diarrheal infection that can become life-threatening.

The approval, announced Wednesday, is years in the making. Researchers have strained to harness the protective qualities of the complex, diverse, yet variable microbial communities found in healthy people's intestines and stool. 

Paging Uncle Chaps. 

I'm no scientist but the logic behind this medicine feels sound. Fight fire with fire I always say.

Fortunately, I am not one of the millions of Americans who blows mud like a fire hose on a near daily basis. But odds are that some of you Delhi Belly bastards are reading this with an open mind and clenched anus right now. 

Doctors, meanwhile, pushed ahead, informally trying an array of methods to transplant fecal microbiota from healthy donors to the guts of patients—via enemas, tubes through the nose, and oral poop-packed capsules.

Oral poop-packed capsules. No need to hire a marketing team. The name sells itself.

I just can't believe it took us this long to figure out this cure. We had tried everything. Pepto-Bismol, Imodium, and even something called the BRAT diet. Bananas, rice, applesauce, and toast. Basically you just eat what a sick toddler would eat. 

Big Pharma wants you to believe that this is the result of years of tireless work and millions of dollars in research. But these lab-jacketed dorks can't fool me. I know exactly how they discovered natures greasy brown miracle cure.

Giphy Images.
Giphy Images.
Giphy Images.

You can try to sell me on this being the byproduct of beakers and bunsen burners, but I know better. All of a sudden, after centuries of the world being afraid to toss a little salad, a brave new generation of avocado toast eating, Drake listening pioneers came along and blazed a trail towards the new fanny frontier.

These courageous souls dared to dash their tongue in the chocolate canal, tongue-punching their way to a modern medicine breakthrough. You're welcome Boomers.

Now, a product has finally floated to the top: Rebyota, a blend of donor stool, saline, and laxative solution given in a single treatment as an enema. It's teeming with heavily screened intestinal microbes at a concentration of 10,000,000 live organisms per milliliter. Its owner, Switzerland-based Ferring Pharmaceuticals, screens donors and their donated stool for a long list of infectious pathogens and other health factors.

First of all, bravo on the toilet pun. Smart AND funny? Ars Technica, you dual threat, you.

Second, I would love to take a gander at the business side of that screening process. Is it just a bunch of people spreading their cheeks and showing a panel of experts their rusty starfish? Or is the it more involved?

I'd like to think it's far more thorough. Like donating to a high end sperm bank where they check your family lineage. Do you have any poor wipers in the family tree? Corn addicts? Pasty green goblin droppers? If so, sorry pal. You are shit out of luck. 

Does your family come from wealth? Did you ever have the pleasure of owning a bidet? Yes? Then follow me to the golden throne where you can deposit your affluent excreta and save millions of lives. You may even receive the Nobel Peace Prize in Medicine for fighting Montezuma's Revenge with that miracle heinie of yours. 

Giphy Images.

My fiance always tells me I shit too much. "What the hell are you always doing in there?!" she asks. "How can you spend so much time in the damn bathroom?!"

I was a man in search of a cure and didn't know it. But now I finally have an answer as solid as the load I'm dropping…

Giphy Images.