Philly's 1st Cheesesteak Fest Is Going To Exist And Therefore I Will Not

Cardiac Arrest Alley – WELCOME to the First Annual Philadelphia Cheesesteak Festival™ at Lincoln Financial Field on Oct 24. “This is your ticket to Cheesesteak Heaven!” Come sample over 40 different Cheesesteak Vendors from around Philadelphia in a day-long celebration of our favorite steak sandwich. “It’s a Philly Thing™.”

WHAT YOU CAN EXPECT:

OVER 40 DIFFERENT CHEESESTEAK SAMPLERS FROM PHILLY AND BEYOND
ASTRAFOODS’ CHEESESTEAK CHALLENGE™ EATING CONTEST
HIGH STEAKS! CHEESESTEAK COOK-OFF
THE WORLD’S LARGEST CHEESESTEAK BUILT BY STEVE’S PRINCE OF STEAKS
ALEX’S LEMONADE STAND FOUNDATION
PHILADELPHIA BASEBALL LEGEND DARREN DAULTON
ENTERTAINMENT FROM GO-GO GADGET AND STELLAR MOJO
RADIO HOSTS 97.5 THE FANATIC, WMMR, MGK, AND BEN-FM
BEER OUTLETS AND GENERAL VENDORS
CARNIVAL GAMES
ZIP LINE AND MECHANICAL BULL RIDES
FOOD TRUCKS
CHEESY™ PHILLY’S NEW CHEESESTEAK MASCOT PRESENTED BY ALLIED SPECIALTY FOODS
CORNHOLE TOURNAMENT
GO PRO CHEESESTEAK CAM

AND SO MUCH MORE!

COME JOIN PHILADELPHIA AS WE CELEBRATE THE BROTHERLY LOVE OF CHEESESTEAKS AND RICH PHILADELPHIA TRADITIONS.

Well that’s it. What higher authority and/or someone with money wants to get me into this bad boy so I can die like a man? An honorable death. A soldier’s fat man’s death. A sayanora via discarded meat, if you will. Because this Cheesesteak Fest seems like the perfect way to leave this damned Earth. Anything past the age of 35 and I’m on borrowed time anyway, so fuck it. What’s there to lose? Well, other than respect from my childhood hero Dutch Daulton when my meat sweats drown his delightful soul. Nothing a couple Light Lagers couldn’t fix. All I know is it’s a bold move bringing out the zip line and mechanical bull for a festival that involves eating pounds of greasy cow. Somebody’s shitting their britches and it ain’t gonna be pretty.

Smitty’s Official Philly Cheesesteak Power Rankings (FUCK Barclay Prime and their $100 cheesesteak I have too much pride and too little money to eat):

-Steve’s Prince Of Steaks (NE)

-Delassandro’s (N 4th st)

-Sonny’s (Olde City, get her with bacon and you’ve died and gone to diabetic heaven) and

-John’s Roast Pork (Snyder Ave, VERY underrated and only open select hours)

-Jim’s (South St.)

-Chubby’s (Henry Ave)

-Pat’s (9th and Passyunk)

-Joe’s (NE, would be ranked 3rd if their name was still Chink’s. Definitely affects the taste for some reason.)

-Shank’s Original (Delaware Ave)

-Geno’s (9th and Passyunk. SPEAK ENGLISH OR DIE)

-Homeless guy slinging mystery meat off of I-95.

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-Tony Luke’s