John Cena Is Following A Bunch Of People At Barstool On Twitter And I Am Suspicious Of His Motives

Will Burge11/21/2022 8:40 PM

Scott Garfitt. Shutterstock Images.

When I woke up this morning there was a notification on my phone that John Cena had followed me on Twitter. I didn’t think much of it honestly. When you’re verified (the real checkmark, not the knockoff version Elon is hustling out of his trunk to keep the lights on at Twitter HQ) and a big star like me these things happen more than you would think.

But then I opened my Twitter app and the first tweet I saw was the one above from Jeff D. Lowe. John Cena has gone on a Barstool Sports following spree. Very fishy.

I’m not a wrestling fan, but I am fully aware that John Cena has crossed over into mainstream pop culture. I remember him being funny in the movie Trainwreck, but other than that I don’t know much about the guy.

I was raised to never trust a pair of jorts and a smile, so I decided I would get to the bottom of this mystery and figure out exactly what Mr. Cena’s intentions are with Barstool.

My first step was to investigate his Twitter account. What immediately jumps out at you is the fact he follows over 480k people. What a nightmare his timeline must be. I only follow about 1k people and mine looks like a townhall meeting where half the room is angry and on meth and the other half is filled with dyslexic stand-up comics.

And what’s up with this dude’s posts? It looks like the printing queue at a fortune cookie factory. I googled the first seven quotes and can’t find any common thread as to where they are coming from. Obviously he is not running this thing so is his assistant googling random motivational quotes? Or are these being copied from one of those tear away daily bathroom calendars you find at those kiosks in the middle of the mall around Christmas?

I don’t know the reason that he chooses to present himself as a Dollar Store Yoda, but this doesn’t seem like the right path to figuring out his renewed attention to the Stool & Stars.

My next thought was maybe he is helping to revive the Rasslin’ brand since he follows Brandon Walker. What a huge signing that would be for us. To have John Cena co-hosting Barstool’s now psudo-defunct wresting pod. A less brash and far less interesting version of the Pat Bev Pod, if you will.

I can hear it now:

BFW: "Now John, what are your thoughts on the upcoming SummerMania WrestleSlam event? Who should be headlining?"

Cena: "I’m not sure who will headline, but I do know attention is vitality. It connects you with others. It makes you eager. Stay eager."

BFW: "What in the fuck are you even talking about right now?"

As riveting as that sounds, I don’t think I’m on the right path. Because after checking if he follows Rasslin’ or its producer that theory hits a dead end.

Maybe he is gearing up to promote something? A quick google search shows that the internet is buzzing about a possible match between Cena and Logan Paul at this year’s WrestleMania (damn, I was so close on that name earlier).

Apparently Cena is supposed to ~~be doing~~ ~~athletic ballet theater~~ wrestling against someone at the upcoming event and Logan Paul called him out on his podcast saying he wants to be that someone. I’m as disconnected from the wresting world as our current President is from reality but there is no way wrestling purists can be happy about this.

I saw the highlights of Paul wresting a while back. He looked good jumping off of things and pretending to hit people. He’s a natural showman. I could be on to something here.

But then I remembered that one of the most awkward interview moments of all time happened between Cena and PMT earlier this year. I’m not so sure he’s eager to be jumping back on that horse after the last time it ended with him having to make a proclamation about a dead friend whilst wearing a super hero outfit.

At this point I was pretty beat down. I felt like Detective Harry Ambrose in The Sinner. Tortured by need to solve a case that doesn’t necessarily involve me. I had wasted about two hours researching a man I have zero interest in and I was getting nowhere. What motive could this mysterious do-gooder have behind his impromptu follow spree? It was driving me insane.

Then a light bulb went off above my head. The briefest of memories flashed. Did I just remember John Cena wearing an oversized jersey and spitting bars into a microphone? Could this be right? Did John Cena really rap at one point? That’s it! Maybe he going to be the next guest on Million Dollaz Worth Of Game!

Nope. That sure as hell can’t be it.

Wow, and I thought the dead friend thing on PMT was cringey. That just make me want to crawl out of my skin, rip out my eardrums, and donate them both to one of Cena’s Make-A-Wish kids. Surely there is a skinless def boy out there who could make better use of them than I.

It seems as though this one will remain a mystery for the time being. The case has gone cold and I need to get ready for this USA vs Wales World Cup match. You won this round, John. Not only can’t I see you, but I can’t see your intentions either. Well played.