Sam Bankman-Fried Thinks He Knows Where FTX's $32 Billion Went: His Weird Orgy Cult Girlfriend Took It

Craig Barritt. Getty Images.

There's a theory referred to as The Boltzmann Brain, named for 19th-century physicist Ludwig Boltzmann. He posited that, because closed systems tend to entropy toward disorder, that it is more likely we are hallucination of a brain formed by all the particles in the cosmos (10 to the 10th to the 68th power - a double exponent - years from now) than that the universe actually exists. 

This week made that hypothesis feel all the more likely. And that the brain Boltzmann was referring to needs serious counseling and meds. It's the best explanation for how a major financial collapse can happen because otherwise smart, successful people trusted tens of billions of their wealth to a human unmade bed like Sam Bankman-Fried. 

I mean, everything about him sounds like the figment of a great cosmic imagination, right down to his name. "Bankman?" "Fried?" No name has been so on-the-nose since Seinfeld had an overdue book and got a visit from the Library Cop, Mr. Bookman. 

And so we find ourselves in a situation where $32 billion of wealth has just disappeared overnight. Poof. Gone. Like a fart in the wind. A multi-billion dollar fart, at that. 

aAll because people put their faith in SBF. Even after he moved to a tax shelter like the Bahamas. Lived in an orgy house with 10 other sex partners. Not the least of whom is Caroline Ellison:

You read that right. The CEO of trading firm Alameda Research. If you need to, take a moment and let that sink in. I'll wait. 

Welcome back. In addition to being in charge of billions in other people's wealth, Ellison is into Harry Potter, LARPing, and a specific type of orgy arrangement:

Decrypt - Now, details from a blog linked to Ellison have begun to shed light on the former Alameda CEO’s personal beliefs and world philosophy—one shaped by hardline views on polyamory and sexual competition, a fascination with race science, and a belief in the natural synergy between crypto and fraud. 

The Tumblr account, active from 2014 until its deletion Sunday, went by the name of “Fake Charity Nerd Girl” and the handle “worldoptimization.” …

The Ellison-linked Tumblr account sheds some light on the sexual dynamics that were potentially at play in FTX’s live-in headquarters. 

“When I first started my first foray into poly, I thought of it as a radical break from my trad past,” the account wrote in February 2020, two years into Ellison’s stint at Alameda Research. “But tbh, I’ve come to decide the only acceptable style of poly is best characterized as something like ‘imperial Chinese harem.’”

The account went on to detail how a polyamorous dynamic should ideally function as a cutthroat market of sexual competition and subjugation. 

“None of this non-hierarchical bullshit,” the account elaborated. “Everyone should have a ranking of their partners, people should know where they fall on the ranking, and there should be vicious power struggles for the ranks.” 

If you're going to enter into a relationship with nine other people, this is the way to do it. The group sex isn't enough. A fella wants to be romanced. To hear those sweet nothings about hierarchies and vicious power struggles for your affection. You had me at "imperial Chinese harem," Fake Charity Nerd Girl. By the time you got to that power ranking talk, I was ready to throw on my Severus Snape outfit, grab my Elder Wand and head straight to Jared's. 

Shockingly though, sometimes an imperial Chinese harem arrangement isn't all sweetness and romance. Sometimes you find yourself as low man/woman in that hierarchy. Sad though it is to say, apparently SBF and FCNG are not No. 1 in each other's poll:

Source - Disgraced tech bro Sam Bankman-Fried has sensationally confessed his commitment to ethics was ‘a front’ and he ‘feels bad’ for those who were ‘f* by it’ - as he blamed his ex-girlfriend for the FTX crisis. …

He sensationally said blame for the disaster at FTX lay with Alameda Research, the trading firm which he founded in 2017 and was run by his on-off lover, Harry Potter enthusiast Caroline Ellison. …

Bankman-Fried, who owned a majority stake in Alameda, installed Ellison, 28, as CEO of the multibillion dollar fund in October 2021 despite her limited professional trading experience.

He appears to accept FTX lent Alameda billions of dollars in clients’ money without their knowledge or permission. The crisis at FTX was triggered when customers rushed to withdraw their funds but the company couldn't pay out.

Bankman-Fried, 30, lived in a $40 million penthouse in the Bahamas, a tax haven, with Ellison in a 10-person 'polycule' made up his inner circle of FTX and Alameda executives. …

Ellison and Bankman-Fried are understood to have dated, but have since split.

Just heartbreaking. Not as hearbreaking perhaps as having your generational fortune wiped out overnight by people who come across like you couldn't have trusted them to get your Starbucks order right. But if you have any sort of romance in you, you have to feel bad for these two beautiful, mismatched lovers. I wish it could have worked out for them, but I'm going to try not to let it destroy my faith in the power of a 10-person sexual "polycule" to work out as a living arrangement. 

But it seems like the stress of setting fire to the nest eggs of thousands, if not millions, of investors and possibly setting off a chain reaction collapse like the one that tanked the economy in 2008 was too much for a love like theirs to survive. Bankman-Fried [chuckle] says in that Daily Mail article that he's out trying to raise $8 billion in just a few days. How he expects to find anyone gullible/ fiscally suicidal enough to give him as much as a Target gift card, I leave up to him. He'd make more money learning how to make hats out of palm fronds and selling them to tourists on the beach. All I can do is hope that he and Caroline find love among another group of freaks.

P.S. Totally off topic. But credit to my buddy Paul for this. Bankman-Fried sound just like Fletch passing himself off as Ed Harley:

Now I'll never be able to unhear it.