NY Post - They’re horny horny hippos!
Fiona, the Cincinnati Zoo’s famous female hippopotamus, has been mating with the male that fathered her younger brother, according to a new report.
Gross! A girl hippo having sex with her hippo step-father?! Disgusting! Humans would never do this. People don't want to see girls fuck their step-fathers. Nobody would do that in real life, or attempt to monetize that concept. Perverts!
The Cincinnati Zoo is a chaotic, lawless place. We all remember May 28, 2016, when a mischievous child cannonballed into the arms of Harambe, resulting in the Cincinnati Zoo's Dangerous Animal Response Team blasting the gorilla between the eyes with a 375 Holland & Holland Sniper Rifle. It's a day that is forever etched in history.
For the next several years following Harambe's cold-blooded murder, the Cincinnati Zoo couldn't open it's dumb zoo mouth without a Harmabe quip being shoved down its throat. Even to this day, the Cincinnati Zoo's Twitter account (@CincinnatiZoo) can hardly tweet a photo of a baby red panda, or a snowy pupperino, without being inundated with responses from the Harambe grievers.
However, to the Cincinnati Zoo's credit, they worked tirelessly to repair their image. In 2021, the Cincinnati Zoo took the top spot in USA Today's Best Zoo category of the 2021 Summer Readers' Choice Poll - the highest honor a zoo can receive in said poll. There will forever be people who remind the zoo of their terrible gorilla mishap, but overall, the Cincinnati Zoo has been doing a fantastic job.
Until Thursday at 7:53pm when the NY Post uncovered a troubling affair between their celebrity hippo, and her dark, handsome step-father.
To help explain the situation, I've constructed a hippo family tree, and broken up the story into 5 parts
Part 1: Fiona was born to parents Henry & Bibi
The year was 2017. Henry and Bibi were 2 happily married hippopotami living in the Cincinnati Zoo's hippopotamus enclosure. The two were madly in love. They spent their days swimming in the tank, holding their breath for up to 5 minutes at a time, and wagging their tails while they pooped so it sprayed everywhere.
Things were going swimmingly for the two hippos. None of their friends at the zoo had been shot and killed by the Dangerous Animal Response Team in almost a year, so they decided it was the right time to bring another hippo into the world. The two love-birds had consensual sex, and prepared for a 35 week gestation period, which is the normal length of a hippo pregnancy. However, after only 29 weeks, there came a surprise. Bibi gave birth to an itsy-bitsy 29 pound pre-mature baby calf. They named the calf Fiona. It was a scary time for the bloat (bloat = hippo family), as the zoo was uncertain whether or not Fiona would survive the pre-mature birth. The zoo put all of their money towards keeping Fiona alive. They built her a special neonatal hippo-care unit and provided her with around the clock care. They even sold Fiona merchandise at the gift shop to help life her spirits. And in the end, it worked! Fiona grew to be a happy, healthy hippopotamus, with a smile that lit up the entire zoo.
Part 2: Fiona's father Henry passed away
Tragically, soon after Fiona had grown to a healthy weight, her father Henry's health began to deteriorate. He grew weaker and weaker by the day. The Hippopotamus Doctor identified an infection in his kidney, that had not previously been detected. Unfortunately, by the time they made the diagnosis, it was too late. Henry passed away at the age of 36.
The Cincinnati Zoo community was devastated. The death of Henry had broken Bibi and Fiona's spirit. The once playful, happy-go-lucky hippos were no longer themselves. They were down bad. A dark energy filled the zoo. It was a type of energy that hadn't been felt at the Cincinnati Zoo for nearly a year and a half.
The next few years were somber in the hippo enclosure, but Bibi and Fiona trudged along and made a life of their own. Despite the tragedy, the two hippos would get into their fair share of hijinks. They had a budding rivalry with the rhinos, who they would splash with water when they did their big hippopotamus belly flops. They would see who could eat the most white balls in a short period of time to prove who was hungriest. They made the best of a bad situation. Bibi and Fiona were like the Gilmore Girls. But sadly, they were the only 2 hippos in the zoo. They were more than capable of taking care of themselves, but they missed having a strong male figure in their life.
Part 3: Bibi meets a handsome hippo named Tucker
The zookeepers recognized Bibi and Fiona's need for a new friend, and decided to take action. They reached out to the San Francisco Zoo. The San Francisco Zoo had 19 year old male hippo named Tucker on the last year of his contract. Tucker was demanding a trade. The Cincinnati Zoo had a disgruntled manatee who was looking to play on the west coast, so they offered him up in exchange for Tucker. San Francisco accepted the trade. On September 6th, 2021, Tucker arrived in Cincinnati.
Tucker took an immediate liking to the 23 year old Bibi. It was a perfect match. Bibi loved the fact that Tucker was a strong swimmer, and Tucker loved how Bibi could unhinge her jaw.
Part 4: Bibi & Tucker had a child of their own, and named him Fritz
The Cincinnati Zoo was thrilled to have a third hippopotamus in the park once again. Having a third hippo wasn't cheap, and the zoo's budget was tight, but it was well worth it to see the joy on their big brown faces.
Tucker and Bibi were mating regularly, so the zoo put Bibi on birth control, which is actually a real thing that they have for hippos. The zoo couldn't afford to have a 4th hippo. Plus, they were saving up money to sign a giraffe named Kofi, who they had scouted in the Savannah Woodlands. Kofi was a true specimen, standing 21 feet tall, weighing in at 4,700 pounds. It would have been a huge signing for the park. If they were able to land a giraffe like Kofi, it would have made the Cincinnati Zoo a prohibitive favorite to win the NFC East.
Unfortunately for the zoo, Tucker's seamen had other plans. After 3 months of making passionate love in public in front of large crowds of human children, Bibi got pregnant. The zoo was shocked. This wasn't supposed to happen. The birth control had let them down. Bibi was raised Catholic, so abortion was out of the question. The zoo had no choice but to pivot away from Kofi the giraffe, and double down on their
offensive line hippo enclosure.
But as it turned out, a pregnant Bibi was the best thing for the zoo. Fans were ecstatic that the zoo was getting a 4th hippo. Fiona was going to have a baby brother!
On August 3, 2022, the bloat welcomed baby Fritz into the world.
Everyone was thrilled to have baby Fritz join the family. But as always, new babies are a challenge. From the jump, Bibi kept close watch over her calf. Tucker and Fiona also loved Fritzy very much, and they did their best to spend as much time with him as possible. However, Bibi had grown to be an overprotective mother.
In an interview with USA Today, Tucker had this to say about his baby mama's parenting style
USA Today - "Bibi is a great hippo mother. Nobody would ever deny that. But I strive to be a great hippo father. And I know Fiona desires to be a fantastic hippo sister. I understand that little Fritzy is everything to her, but if Fritz is going to grow up to be a well-adjusted hippopotamus, she needs to let him explore a bit. I would love to take Fritz for a swim, or for a trip up to the high rock. We could use some quality father, son time, but Bibi still has a tight leash on him. Fritz is still young, so I'm not pushing it too much, but eventually, Bibi is going to need to let Fritzy be his own hippo. I think Fiona feels the same way" - Tucker, Hippo
However, things did not change quickly. Bibi refused to loosen her reins on Fritz. As a result, Fiona and Tucker started spending more time together. Fiona showed Tucker all the fun secret parts of the hippo enclosure that only she knew about, and Tucker taught Fiona how do manly activities like hunt for food, throw a football, and drive stick shift.
Part 5: Tucker ditches Bibi, and starts dating his step-daughter Fiona
Tucker missed the relationship he used to have with Bibi. He used to be her whole world. Tucker tried his best to regain her attention by basking naked in the sun, roaring loudly, and poking his head out of the water so only his eyes would show, but nothing worked. Bibi was so involved in baby Fritz life, that she neglected the rest of her family. She didn't even notice the progress her oldest daughter was making. Fiona had evolved into a fully developed, voluptuous hippopotamus, and Bibi was none the wiser.
But Tucker was a different story. He was spending all of his time with Fiona. She was truly his best friend. Tucker couldn't help but notice the beautiful young hippo that Fiona had become. As a man who's needs were unfulfilled, it was only natural for Tucker to wonder what could be (sexually). It's not like the two were blood related. They had only known each other for a year or so. Fiona was a strong, sexy, independent hippo, fully capable of making her own choices. Tucker could tell that Fiona was interested in exploring a relationship. He saw the way she looked at him on Halloween when he played with the pumpkins.
Plus, they were hippos. So who really gives a shit? One night, during their evening swim, the two hippos had an open and honest conversation regarding their feelings for one another. Tucker expressed how much he respected Fiona as a woman, and how physically attracted he was to her enormous hippo ass. Fiona told Tucker that she had never been with a man who treated her as an equal, and that she also couldn't resist his gigantic hippo ass. Being the responsible adults that they were, they put together a list of reasons to determine if they should, or should not explore a romantic relationship.
Tucker and Fiona spent a full day reviewing the list. It was an ethical dilemma. On one hand they loved each other very much, and wanted to be together publicly. On the other hand, Tucker was the father of Fiona's little sister, and was technically still dating her mom. They went back and forth for a while, but in the end, they decided that rules and ethics meant literally nothing to them, because they were hippos. That night, they went public with their relationship, and had the awkward conversation with Bibi.
The news sent shockwaves throughout the zoo community. Publications across the country reported on the scandalous step-father/step-daughter relationship. It was a PR nightmare for the Cincinnati Zoo. They hadn't been under this level of scrutiny since they orchestrated that hit on Harambe back in 2016. The zoo immediately went into damage control mode.
As expected, the Cincinnati Zoo took the stance that since they are hippos, none of this actually matters. When the press eventually got a hold of Bibi, she echoed a similar sentiment, although it was clear she felt a certain type of way about it.
Cincinnati Enquirer - "Considering the fact that we are a family of hippos, which is known as a bloat, it is to be expected that my daughter would be having sex with her step-father. From what I have heard, step-father/step-daughter relationships are becoming more popular amongst humans as well. Some people get off on that sort of thing. But I would be lying if I said it wasn't a bit awkward. I still have to see Tucker's big beautiful ass every day. There will always be a part of me that is jealous that Fiona is the one who gets to enjoy the ass. However, in the end, we're literally hippos, so I will get over it. Now watch me eat this pumpkin. - Fiona, Hippo
Bibi and Tucker have still not officially broken off their relationship, although Fiona has been actively mating with her mother's ex-boo right in front of her face. This hippo drama is certainly something we will keep a close eye on in the coming weeks. The Cincinnati Zoo currently sits one game out of playoff contention, but does not plan to make any additional moves before the upcoming trade deadline.
The hippo family drama was discussed on last Thursday's Rundown. Dante asked if I would include this so here it is.