Dave Portnoy's Insane AMEX Points Pile Would Cover A High-Salaried Employee At The Company

I've seen a lot of impressive videos on the internet, but I'm not just slurping my boss' cock when I say that this video blew the hinges off my jaw, whereupon my bottom gums hit the ground, leaving my throat so agape that the Phoenix Suns could have run their blowjob layup line through me. Cum one, cum all: Devin Booker, CP3, Deandre Ayton... we've got plenty of room. Fill it up. Check for cavities. Spray my tonsils like you're lining a baseball diamond, gents. Finger rolls and floaters and BOY OH BOY, the bank is open. For Dave Portnoy has amassed a knee-wobbling, eye-watering, insecurity-inducing amount of credit card points. 

44,403,931!

Now time for math. Even with a woefully unfavorable cash-for-points exchange rate (.6 cents per point), this amounts to $266,423.59. 

And guess what?! Biden's gnarled, arthritic paws can't come near that haul. Go sting those knuckles with bees, you creaky old piano! 

"The IRS categorizes redemption of credit card rewards and frequent flyer miles as non-taxable. Instead of being seen as income, “they are treated as rebates or discounts on what you purchased,” Steven Rossman, CPA and shareholder at accounting firm Drucker & Scaccetti, tells Select." - CNBC

Now, if Dave were to transfer these points to an employee, that enters a grey area. But for the sake of fun, let's assume he could tax-free. As a New York City after-tax salary, we're talking about a salary around $450,000. 

In other words... Sofia money. 

He'd be far better off utilizing the points for travel. Let's say that Dave, being the soccer fan he is, wanted to attend the upcoming USA vs. England World Cup game in Qatar. We all know he's going to want a Q-Suite on Qatar Airways. Gotta think that flight is going to get spicy given the demand for the World Cup, and also given how ludicrously luxurious those seats are. 

Anyway, here's the best flight I found on my Amex portal that would have us there in time to tailgate the match in our… shipping container: 

Ok, so 987,988 points required. Looks like Dave is going to Qatar and bringing… 44 other Barstool employees! 

45 fucking roundtrip Q-suite tickets. You better believe I'm on that plane. If seniority means anything, I was employee number 38 at the company. Even with my brief three-year spirit quest in the middle, I've got a hunch that by next week, I'll be sipping champagne in the friendly skies, wearing my Christian Pulisic jersey and eating the hummus platter next to the king of American Express himself: Dave Portnoy. 

See you in Qatar, suckers.