Jim Irsay Isn't Shy About Insisting the Colts Aren't Tanking, Despite Their Obvious Tanking

What can you say about Jim Irsay that hasn't already been said about every other fuzzy-brained, pill-addled, wanna be rocker with an overdosed mistress in his past, living off the inherited wealth from a much more accomplished father? 

Whatever you do choose to say about Irsay, you can't deny one thing. This Golden Key member of the NFL's Lucky Sperm Club is nothing if not an endless source of entertainment:

He's pro football's Cosmo Kramer. You never know when he's going to come bursting through the door making another of his signature entrances, and everything out of his mouth is a punchline. Gold, Jerry! Gold!

And while most wacky neighbor side characters would make their exit on that quartile speech and leave the audience wanting more, Irsay is too talented for that. Instead, followed it up by reaching out to reliable Colts house man and legendary Deflategate Truther Bob Kravitz to deny the one thing that is obvious to every man, woman, child, and house pet in America. As the hilarity continues:

Source -Roughly 24 hours after the Colts’ befuddling press conference Monday night to introduce Jeff Saturday as the interim head coach, owner Jim Irsay called me and Fox-59’s Mike Chappell to get a few more things off his chest:

• He took issue with the narrative that the Colts, who benched their starting quarterback, Matt Ryan, fired their head coach, Frank Reich, and hired an interim head coach with no coaching experience, are tanking to secure a better draft position.

“That’s the most absurd thing I’ve ever heard, that we’re tanking,” Irsay said. “That’s bulls—. We’re in this thing; 9-7-1 get us in, no question about it. … We’re not tanking the season. Whoever says these things, that we’re not playing Matt because (of an effort to tank), that’s all bulls—. That’s not true. … We’re going to do what it takes to win. I don’t know who people think we are, they don’t know us. We don’t tank in Indianapolis.” 

Giphy Images.
Giphy Images.

Brilliant! LMAO! ROFL! Whoo … Deep breath. Wipe tear. Begin. 

Again, you have to give the man credit. As inspired as it was to come up with that "quartile of a quartile" zaniness, it takes an enormous amount of talent to deliver these lines without breaking like you're Jimmy fucking Fallon. When I'm done here, I'm going to check YouTube to see if there's a "Jim Irsay Interview Outtakes" from where they had to keep stopping tape so he could regain his composure. 

Talent aside, imagine the audacity you'd need to claim that you're not tanking after benching your quarterback for a 6th round rookie, trading away your running back firing the only two people on your staff who have ever called an offensive play, and hiring Jeff Saturday out of a broadcast studio. Then claim you would never tank. That's like a callback to an earlier joke that totally killed 11 years earlier. 

To be clear, that 2011 Suck for Luck team started 0-13. It was only after they were mortal locks for the No. 1 pick and the players took pity on a respected Jim Caldwell, who was jumping on the grenade for Irsay's organization, that they won two meaningless games in a row. Then made sure to finish the job by dropping one to the Jaguars - who were 4-11 and had already fired Jack Del Rio -  at home in Week 17. Their mission and Caldwell's accomplished. 

But Jim Irsay is gonna Jim Irsay. He's in the upper quartile of the upper quartile of boldfaced liars, and you have to give him his due respect for it. I just don't know how much of this is worth Jeff Saturday's dignity.