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The Brooklyn Nets Posted A PR Coordinator Opening So I'm Applying And I Think I'm The Man For The Job

The Brooklyn Nets have loudly become one of the dumbest teams in all of sport. It all happened so fast. They were such an unremarkable franchise for the majority of my life. It seems like just yesterday when all I knew about the Nets was that Jason Kidd used to be their best player, and Jason Kidd once got a DUI when he was their Head Coach.  

Kypros. Getty Images.

Then everything changed. Jay Z moved their boring team from Teaneck, New Jersey to a cool stadium in Brooklyn. They started signing a bunch of washed up all-stars, which made them sort of entertaining. Then eventually they were able to land 2 of the best players in the world in Kevin Durant and Kyrie Irving, and all the sudden they have maybe the most talented roster in the NBA. It was trending upwards for so long.

Realistically, they're still in pretty good shape. But the Brooklyn Nets PR team has had a tough go of it lately. Within the span of a week, they fired Head Coach Steve Nash (Canadian, soccer fan). They are trying to replace him with Ime Udoka (horny, suspended from coaching). Then for the finale, Kyrie Irving posted a link to a documentary that denies the Holocaust. I think I have that timeline right. It's a public relations nightmare.

The Nets now have an image problem. They need to bring in a skilled public relations professional to clean things up. Preferably, someone who has dealt with a problem of this magnitude before. So how does any reputable company/billion dollar professional sports organization find such a person? By posting the job opening salary.com.

The Brooklyn Nets are not the first team to go though something like this, and they assuredly won't be the last. Bad press happens. Sometimes your star players have anti-semetic opinions, and it's just something you have to deal with. The problem is fixable if you hire the right person. That person might be me.

I'm not going to say anything crazy like, "I would 100% fix the Brooklyn Nets. All I would have to do is blah blah blah…" Because I don't know if I could fix them. I also don't know if I couldn't. If the Nets are posting this position on salary.com, then they are obviously trying to cast a wide net. They're looking for candidates from all walks of life. Maybe a 30 year old Barstool Sports fan turned employee is just the type of person who can fix an NBA team's image. The least I can do is apply for the position, and give them a fair chance to hire me. 

Consider my hat in the ring. 

First step, let's review the definition of Public Relations. As a candidate for this position, I clearly know what Public Relations is, and what what a job in Public Relations would entail, but I think it would be a good refresher for you, the reader.

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To me this means, do not have the face of your organization insinuate publicly that a historically persecuted class of 14.8 million people are collectively to blame for a problem. That's how I took it at least. I've certainly never done that, so we're off to a great start.

Let's take a gander at the job responsibilities, and see if I might be a fit.

Responsibilities

Manage process for full season and single game media credentials
I worked in the corporate world for 7 years of my life, so trust me, I know my way around a process. Anything that happens within a business is a process. You learn about company processes a couple months after you're hired, when the company sends you to a week long orientation in Orlando, Florida. You spend 8am-5pm every day learning processes, then at night you contemplate cheating on your wife with a cute girl from the Milwaukee branch. It usually ends up happening on Thursday night after too many drinks at Señor Frogs.

Contribute to daily game notes
Game notes are easy. I have practice from producing The Barstool Sports Rundown. All you have to do is open the ESPN The Score App, and find the game you need notes for. List the stats of the best 4 players from whatever game you are taking notes on. Then perform a Twitter search (i.e. 'Nets Lakers'), and see what the most popular tweets are saying. There's your game notes.

Maintain statistical reports and records for current season as well as team and player history
I would use Microsoft Excel. Macros, pivot tables, SUM, AVERAGE, delete row, etc. Anything I don't remember how to do I can learn from Google.

Serve as a contact for print and broadcast media for the Nets
Answering phone calls and replying to texts. I wouldn't say I'm historically good at that. I like to keep at least 100 unread texts so if anyone looks at my phone they can see how popular I am. But I would make sure I responded to Nets related messages. 

Assist with facilitating media access at all home practices and shootarounds as well as pre/postgame
I will make it nearly impossible for any member of the media to gain access to the Brooklyn Nets in any way shape or form. Nothing good has ever come out of giving the media access to this basketball team. I will only be accommodating to 2 or 3 reporters that I trust to only ask painfully boring basketball questions. We can't risk letting our players give any non-hoops related opinions. 

Assist with media events and press conferences as needed
That's easy. Just don't have Kyrie Irving speak at them.

Supervise press room operations and game night staff at all home games
I'll mostly tell my team things like, "Good work guys." and, "I really appreciate your efforts." I'll always make sure that they've got everything under control before I head out. 

Assist visiting team PR staffs with needs at home games
A Public Relations problem for another team, is good for the Nets. This whole Kyrie Irving situation is just one PR nightmare for another team away from blowing over. If we can create an environment within the Barclays Center that makes it more difficult for the opposing Public Relations team to do their job (i.e. bad WiFi), the more likely it is that something will happen that will overshadow the Nets bad press.

Contributing writer/editor of Nets media guide and postseason guide
Easy. I'm already a professional writer, so I am qualified for this. I'm not sure what all a traditional media guide includes, but I can tell you what mine will be like.

My media guide will not be entertaining in the least. It might not even include the names of our players. We want as little attention drawn to them as possible. My media guide will mostly be used to tout our most recent charitable efforts, and post overtly progressive and inclusive headlines. Our media guide will provide nothing of substance, and will illicit no reactions other than, "Oh that's nice", or "This isn't even a media guide."

Write/edit team related press releases as needed

My strategy when it comes to press releases would be to do A LOT of them. Usually, when a team is issuing a press release, it's because they fucked up. Whenever you see that Word document with the team's header, and 3-5 subsequent paragraphs, you know somebody did something bad. 

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I will issue so many press releases, that people will have no choice but to start ignoring them. There will be a press release before and after every game & practice. They will be fascinatingly pointless and void of interesting content. Some people say, "no news is good news", but I like to take the opposite approach. Make so much news that news is no longer even news. It's the same philosophy as when someone says "just tweet through it" after making a bad post. Flood the timeline with nonsense so any bad news gets lost in the shuffle.

Write player and Basketball staff bios
Writing bios is one of my favorite things to do. I once wrote fictional sales candidate bios for my Dad's Sales Simulation Game, Cantopia. 

Serve as PR representative at player community appearances as necessary
I will be at every player community appearance with an airhorn that I can blow whenever a player starts speaking on anything other than basketball

Provide statistical research support for basketball staff as needed
Are they referring to Moneyball? This doesn't seem like a public relations task at all. But I will be sure to provide the basketball staff with specific statistics to lead the team in the direction I think it should be going in. I want my fingerprints all over this franchise.

Responsible for the daily clips process from origin to completion
This seems like the perfect opportunity to get some of my bits off.

Responsible for maintaining files on behalf of the department
I will be delegating this to an intern. I'm not a files guy. I've never maintained a file in my life. I am very unorganized.  

Assist in fulfilling media requests as needed
Again, I will be extremely difficult to work with for media members. Having a request fulfilled by me will be painstakingly tedious, to that point that most media members just give up and stop covering our team. I see no reason to make it easier for the media to speak with our players.

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Media/Social Media Monitoring
This wouldn't be much of a change for me at all. I've been monitoring social media for as long as social media has existed. I'll need to have a strong Social Media Team full of high volume shooters who can play within my "flood the timeline with nonsense" system. 

As far the our players go, we will be deleting all forms of social media from their phones. Any play who is caught using social media will be subject to heavy fines. We will write this into their contracts.

Qualifications

Must have exceptional written and verbal communications skills
I have the written part down, and am getting better at verbal.  

Knowledge of AP Style and ability to properly edit department documents
Everything I need to know is provided by Purdue OWL

Ability to multi-task and appropriately prioritize responsibilities
I haven't been doing just 1 task in nearly a decade. I would never be doing just one task. I keep multiple tasks going at all times, to prevent the thoughts from coming. 

Must be able to thrive in a fast-paced environment
I can't handle anything other than a fast paced environment. I need to be busy at all time. Again, because of the thoughts. 

Must be able to be trusted with confidential and sensitive information
All confidential and sensitive information that I obtain will be shared with nobody who I don't trust. What this really means is "don't send screenshots", and "don't put anything in writing". Obviously, if I'm with some friends, and I learn that Kyrie Irving sacrificed a goat in the locker room, I'm going to tell them. But I will never put myself in a situation where someone can pull out the receipts on me 

Ability to work in a highly collaborative, team-oriented environment
Don't worry, I will be HEAVILY relying on my team. This is not a concern. 

Education and Experience

Bachelor’s degree in communications or journalism is preferred
The key word there is preferred. I would prefer to be receiving a golden shower from Spanish supermodel Lorena Duran, but that's not in the cards right now. 

Minimum 1-2 years experience in sports PR (NBA or professional sports preferred)
Preferred. I guarantee their last Public Relations Coordinator had a minimum of 1-2 years of experience in sports related PR, and look how that went. Or did the Nets just not have a Public Relations Coordinator before this at all? Is that what his job posting implies? They were just letting their players wing it, and have now finally decided they should hire somebody to help with that? Whatever the case, I would be an improvement.

Travel Requirements

Ability to travel to away games or events as needed
I have 2 dogs, so as long as I am able to bring them with me. But on the plane, I refuse to put them underneath the seat, or in a cage. I will need to fly with someone who allows them to run freely. They are very intrusive dogs, and demand a lot of attention, but they're pretty cute so for the most part people like them. 

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Work Environment

Works primarily in an office environment, but is expected to work all Nets home games and practices, which include nights, weekends and holidays
I do my best work from home, so if you make me come into the office you aren't going to be getting the best version of John Rich. But if that's going to be a deal breaker, I can try to make it into the office on the day of home games.

Sounds like a pretty qualified! I don't see the need to submit a whole resume, or go through the formal application process. Barstool Sports is a national sports media conglomerate. The Nets will see it. 

Nets - if you like what you see, we can negotiate salary in the comment section.