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My Audition For Host Of The Dave Portnoy Show

 

If you've been keeping up at home, there's a new opening for host of the Dave Portnoy Show. It's a coveted position, and a few of us have been auditioning for the role. Here's an excerpt from my recent effort. We lost the audio (you'll see why), so I've transcribed it here:

Excerpt from Francis' audition for The Dave Portnoy Show, October 26 2022 

Francis: Hi and welcome back to the Dave and Francis sh—

Dave: The Dave Portnoy Show. 

Francis: Is that… I thought that was a working title?

Dave: Nope.

Francis: I'm your host, Francis. Today I'm joined by (checks notes) Dave Portnoy. 

Dave: What the fuck are we doing here? 

Francis: Dave, good to see you as always. Do you still hit that Miami nightclub we went to that one time together? 

Dave: We didn't go together. It was a coincidence. 

Francis: Can't spell coincidence without C-O-I-N. Guess we were the original Coin Boys!  

Dave: Jesus Christ. This sucks.

Francis: Haha sounds like someone woke up on the wrong side of his MattressFirm™ Intellibed G-3 Hybrid Luxe PLUSH this morning. Use code "FrancisandDave" for 10% off. 

Dave: Who made that fucking code? 

Francis: Had to be the sales team. So Dave, lots of drama this week at Barstool HQ. Have you been keeping up? 

Dave: I saw something about Billy Football almost fighting Dan and PFT. 

Francis: What?! 

Dave: Wait, what were you going to say? 

Francis: No, that's much spicier than what I had. 

Dave: What did you have? 

Francis: Nothing, nothing, I'll keep it in the cage. How's chicken? 

Dave: Silvana? 

Francis: Sorry, I was talking to our producer about what to order for lunch. 

Dave: This is a disaster. Where's Eddie. 

Francis: We've got a listener question. "Kirk" from Massachusetts asks "Do you regret purchasing two homes at the height of the housing market, all cash, in areas that will likely be underwater soon thanks to rising sea levels?" 

Dave: No. I can hold my breath for a very long time. 

Francis: So what's the story with Rico's contract? 

Rico enters Podcast Studio 2 with a t-shirt cannon loaded with High Noon cans, proceeds to destroy thousands of dollars of recording equipment. As the dust settles, he leans in to a battered, soaking microphone. 

Rico: WHERE'S MY FUCKING MONEY? TELL BALD PAUL I HOPE HIS CHEMO TREATMENTS RAVAGE HIS ORGANS BUT HE CLINGS TO LIFE LIKE VISERYS SO I CAN SHIT IN HIS SUNKEN EYE SOCKET WHEN I FINALLY RUN THIS PLACE SOMEDAY. 

*Rico leaves. Francis crawls out from under the desk. 

Francis: This portion of the Dave and Francis show is brought to you by BetterHelp. We all need a little therapy sometimes.