Whatever Moron Let Kyle Schwarber Ride The Xfinity Bull Should Be Thanking GOD He Walked Away Alive

KYLE NOOOO!!!!! PLEASE GOD NOOOO!!!!! Wait...that's it? Schwarber didn't get launched into orbit off of that PBR 2+ ton steel beast from Hades? That...just simply doesn't happen. Not at Xfinity Live!. Not with that mechanical bull. Seriously. And Ii you don't know what I mean then you've clearly never crossed paths with the bull/hardo(s) who operate that death steer. The last time I took a ride on that thing it almost had me drinking from a straw for the rest of my days: 

6+ years ago and in somewhat shape didn't help my spine being twirled around like goddamn John Elway at the goalline. The bull even abused our sweet crazy heart Kelly Keegs. That bastard! 

So, yeah, whatever moron allowed Kyle Schwarber (which was probably Schwarber himself) to approach and ride that beast into the sunrise is damn lucky. There would've been hell to pay if the Phillies were all of a sudden dinger-less from the leadoff spot. 

Now buy a shirt. We've got a World Series to win, dammit. 4 more.