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BREAKING: Russell Wilson Has Become Self-Aware, Has Never Been More Back

Gotta admit, dude. Those were some pretty frickin' dangerous ways to slam a sub. 

The knife and fork immediately brings sharp objects into the mix. You could end up either cutting yourself or cutting others. They're shiny, too, so it could distract your eyes for a bit and lead to a fatal accident. Definitely dangerous. 

The blindfold takes one of your most important senses out of the equation. Without the ability of sight, you have no idea what is about to occur. You could be attacked by a group full of ninjas. You could miss picking up the Dangerwich and accidentally pick up a sandwich full of poison. You could end up walking into oncoming traffic. Definitely dangerous. 

The big bite? You could choke. And if your wife is out of the house having lunch with her musical artist ex just catching up, nobody will be around to give you the Heimlich maneuver. You'd be dead. Definitely dangerous. 

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The drop it low could blow out your ACL, MCL, meniscus, probably blow out your hip, a broken ankle, you name it. It could result in a real injury with real pain. Not that Russ couldn't play through that, but still. Definitely dangerous. 

The left handed could make you believe you are Michael Vick. Definitely dangerous, especially if dogs are around. 

The dual wielding is just way too much caloric intake. I haven't seen the nutritional value of the Dangerwich yet, but I have to assume that crushing two of them in one sitting isn't great for the diet. Especially not for a pro athlete. Definitely dangerous. 

The upside down is how the Denver Broncos look right now after giving Russ a $245 million contract extension and getting rid of every single draft pick they own to acquire him. Definitely dangerous. 

Here comes the airplane? Is that a shot at Pete Carroll? Definitely dangerous. 

And finally...eating the wrapper?

What if whoever made the sandwich just had a sloppy mudpie and didn't properly wipe before wrapping the sandwich up? Now your stomach is going to be fucked. Definitely dangerous. 

At the end of the day, DangeRuss is so back. And he also might be incredibly more self-aware than previously considered. I mean nothing will ever be able to change the fact that the dude is a massive knob and former teammates can't even get in contact with him without going through his manager first. But if he leans into it a little bit…I mean you can't totally hate the guy after that. Maybe there's still hope for Denver after all. Probably not, but maybe. 

@JordieBarstool