NFL Bye Week Billable Hours - Consultation For All Week 6 Bye Teams
NFL bye weeks are for rest and reflection. What's been working? What hasn't? Who's the easiest fall guy to fire so ownership thinks all the problems are now magically solved?
That's what this blog is all about. Well not really - it's just a guise to make some jokes. But if humor is the best medicine, maybe teams should take this advice seriously. While all the other teams hit the gridiron today, I'm offering my consulting services for the four NFL teams on bye this week. And boy do they need it. The Lions, Texans, Raiders, and Titans all get a break with a combined 6-13-1 record. The players might be getting rest from taking the field but upper management conference tables are in full swivel back and forth mode as GMs and team personnel think of anything they can do to keep their job make their team better. And I'm here to help. So here we go. Clock starts now.
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Detroit Lions (1-4)
Let's start with the good before I forget what it even was. The Lions started the year with a bang offensively by scoring in each of their first eleven quarters and 15 out of their first 16 quarters before getting shut out last Sunday. Even with the goose egg, the Lions lead the entire league in points scored. You might look at their record and say they are bad because they're 1-4, but don't blame the offense. This is the second highest scoring 1-4 offense in NFL history since the merger:
OK some minor constructive feedback. While the Lions offense is the second best 1-4 ever, the defense has given up the most points in the league this year making them THE worst 1-4 defense of all time overtaking the 20-year standing record of a very worthy losing franchise adversary - the also Detroit Lions of 2002.
It has really been a tail of two Lions in Detroit culminating into organizational frustration and ex-teammates wondering if the team is putting a full effort for Dan Campbell. It's clear this major divide in offensive and defensive production has finally come to a head and I'm glad they took my advice on how to right the ship.
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What a move. While necessary to replace the injured starting kicker Austin Seibert, this move also acts as a tool for GM Brad Holmes to say to the Ford family - "See, everything is fixed now". After all, the Ford family should know all about replacing broken starters so nothing should look weird about this being the 10th kicker the Lions have signed since Matt Prater left in 2020.
Houston Texans (1-3-1)
As for the Houston Texans, a different bye week approach is necessary. The Texans unfortunately don't have a frisky offense like the Lions to act as a living room centerpiece to draw the eyes away from the septic stains on the ceiling that occasionally drip on a few dead rodents who succumbed to mold poisoning. That's basically the state of the Houston Texans. At least the Lions have that centerpiece. The Texans have no centerpiece. This is bad because after all the shit fans have endured with Deshaun Watson drama and Bill O'Brien, who shed valuable team assets out of his name so swiftly he has voicemails waiting from Alex Jones.
The fact is there's nothing this team can really do personnel wise to make any real difference in one bye week. There's just no hope for upper management to field a competitive team that gives fans something to be excited about. The only option left was to pivot:
That's some Houston Texans bye week energy right there. You might laugh at this offer, but that's just because you didn't buy a Cade York jersey thinking he was next Justin Tucker after Week 1. Obviously, this is all a "make it right" play for fans to trade in Deshaun Watson #4 jerseys, but you'd think they'd show off a jersey on the graphic that fans might want to trade in for instead. In fairness it's possible they could be propping current #4, wide receiver Phillip Dorsett, who has an entire catch on the year.
We'll see how this move plays out but there's no shame in admitting to your fanbase that your product has been so bad for the past five years that you steal CostCo's return policy template. It's going to take work but I am confident the team can handle the intake of thousands upon thousands of Watson jersey's coming in and maybe even both Brandon Weedens with a "Weeden Family" return address.
Las Vegas Raiders (1-4)
the Las Vegas Raiders have provided some very exciting games this year giving fans a lot of hope before inevitably losing. That's Las Vegas, baby. This team perfectly captures the essence of this town and Josh McDaniels couldn't be a better fit for a city accustomed to unfulfilled excitement. Any gambler knows that regardless of the game you play, the wins and loses come in streaks. That's Josh McDaniels. If you take every game McDaniels coached and make a roulette board out of it you see the streaks with a few random back and forths mixed in just like you'd see at any casino.
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Red = Loss | Raider Black = Win
The wheels fell off for McDaniels' stint in Denver after Week 13 of 2010 after losing 7 of his last 8 games. His firing was in the middle of a losing streak which picked back up 12 years later in Las Vegas to start 2022. But if you look at the bottom of the board at the most recent games, you can tell a Raider black win is definitely due. Any gambler knows this for a 100% fact and is right about this fact almost 50% of the time. In fact, a black streak is due too. I mean, the Raiders kept up with the Chiefs till the very end last week, so why not? All they need to do is stay true to their city and wait and hope for a flow of Raider black dubs.
Tennessee Titans (3-2)
Gonna be honest - I saved the Titans for last hoping by now you already scrolled your way to the comments. This team is boring. Complete opposite of the Raiders. I mean they're 3-2 so they're not bad, but so far they've only beaten bad teams and lost to two 4-1 teams. It's just kind of ho hum.
There's no storyline to make fun of them with except for the fact that they're a boring run of the mill team - so I guess I'm going with that. I mean, Tractorcito is starting to look good at least, but we all know that engine won't be warmed up until December. AJ Brown was fun but he's now gone and their new AJ Brown, Treylon Burks, is on IR. Thank God this week is their bye-week because it would have been an absolute embarrassment to have to slog another snoozer a day after Tennessee/Alabama put on a show for the state a few hours drive east. I guess to stay on track with the bit I'm supposed to give a bye-week recommendation. Here's a wild one for you: consider trying out scoring points in the 4th quarter. You never know, you might like it. Your fans might like it.
That's all I got. Times up.
- Jeffro