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Stop Texting Frank The Tank If You Do Not Know Him

I am not happy to be writing this blog. It brings me no pleasure to discipline the good readers of www.BarstoolSports.com (i.e. Stoolies, Stool Heads, Bar Backers, etc.). But unfortunately, it has to be done. I have been noticing a disturbing trend lately. A trend that I simply must bring to a halt.

Several times per day, while I am quietly blogging at my desk, I am startled by a blood-curdling shriek. A shriek that sends a shiver down my spine, and my butthole into my throat.

It's a noise unlike anything you've ever heard. No, it's not a rooster being dropped into a wood chipper. No, it's not a howler monkey giving birth to twins. No, it's not Jigsaw playing a torture game with Mickey & Minnie Mouse. No, it's not Bubb Rubb & Lil Sis driving by in their cars (that's only in the morning). No, it's not 2 balloons being rubbed together into a megaphone. No, it's not the ghost of Gilbert Gottfried doing a Kim Kardashian impression. It's Frank The Tank. 

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But this is not a blog where I list things that Frank The Tank's screams sounds like. That is for another time. 

My concern is what Frank The Tank is screaming about– (it's the Mets. 99% of the time it's the Mets). 

But the Mets can't be fixed. The Mets are a feeble organization that brings their fans nothing but pain and suffering, and will be disbanded by 2030. For as long as Buster Olney is doing the tomahawk chop outside of Citi Field, Frank The Tank will be screaming about the Mets. 

1% of the time, Frank is screaming about something other than the Mets. That might sound like a small percentage, but 1% of Frank's screams still account for 1-2 screams per day. 

1% of the time, Frank is screaming about his cell phone. In particular, he is screaming about people texting him from random numbers.

Somehow, Frank's cell phone number has made its way into the hands of undesirables. Sometimes, the undesirables will send unwanted messages to Frank. 

One of you undesirables might be reading this right now. To you, I humbly say, stop it 

Stop doing that. Frank doesn't want to get those texts. So stop. It's very frustrating for him, and there is nothing he can do on his end to put an end to it.

Q: "Why doesn't Frank just block the numbers? Or remove himself from the group chat?"

A: "He can't do that on his phone"

Q: "Why doesn't Frank get a new cell phone?"

A: "He can't. AT&T won't let him"

Q: "That can't be true. Why doesn't he just go to the store and have them help him?"

A: "They won't help. He's already tried. When he got there they said, 'Nope sorry, we don't help people here, we want our customers to suffer. You're stuck with us forever and there's nothing you can do about it. Na-na-na-na-boo-boo we won't help you' - it's true, that is what happens when you go to the AT&T store.

Q: "Then why doesn't he get an iPhone?"

A: "Because he can't transfer over his apps."

Q: "Why doesn't he just get a new phone number then?"

A: "Do you realize how ignorant you sound?"

So stop it. Don't do that. Stop texting Frank from random numbers.

I am glad we've cleared that up. Frank is more than just a person who sits near me in the office. I also consider him a colleague. I wish nothing but the best for Frank. I wish nothing but the best for everyone in the office who sits within 100 yards of him. 

Stop texting Frank. Stop it. Don't do it. Please.