The Carolina Panthers Should Offer Coaches Hard Drugs In Their Interviews So They Can Tell If They're About To Hire Another Dork
Welcome back to the Monday Morning Bowel Movement- THE MMBM. This year due to constipated schedules the MMBM will be appearing on Tuesdays which will allow me to include coverage of MNF and stuff like RG3 beating a bird in a footrace. There are all new segments to debut, things to rank, and takes to crank. Word of warning your probably not mentally capable of reading and absorbing these takes so if its all the same to you please leave. Its good to be back
Looks like everyones favorite lead singer look-alike in a jimmy buffet themed Patton Oswalt tribute band Matt Rhule has been unceremoniously fired just 5 games into the season. Alot of people are asking why the Panthers decided to let him go no instead of in Febuary and there is really not a great explanation of it besides it was still cuffing season and things get kind of messy. But I have alot of respect for David Tepper and what hes been able to accomplish in the chosen field of making a fuckload of money, but hes not a football guy. If your a NFL owner you need football guys making football decisions. As a football guys guy I have some very strong recommendations for how to rebuild a franchise. Its a completely different skillset then the one he might have from his career being a rich guy that kind of looks like the white barry bonds. So here is my advise on rebuilding a franchise.
Some may say that David Tepper had some big jeans to fill in the wake of Jerry Richardson being unceremoneously shown the door for the petty crime of committing repeated instances of sexual harassment, but I would say Mr. Tepper has not yet begun to fight.
Step 1: Commit to running the football
Before you hire a guy you take this as step one. The reason why youve been terrible is that you havent committed to running the ball. Imagine if you had the best running attack in football- you’d probably make the playoffs every year (dont look this stat up). You have to control what you can control. Alot of people would say step 1 is finding a Tom Brady type QB whose married to a woman who is much wealthier than he is, so you can pay him less money, but Tom Bradys dont grow on trees. If they did the government would make those trees a class 1 narcotic and prevent scouts form ever even watching film on them. Its way better to say “we are going to establish the run, and then after the run has been established we will commit to running the football.” After you have made a commitment to running the football you can then break that commitment, like a marriage
Step 1A: Commit a crime with every member of your new front office
You want to talk about burning the boats like Cortez did when he landed his boats a shore the plymouth rock of the south? Well the best way to ensure that everyone is pulling in the same direction when it comes to a organizational standpoint is to get everyones hands dirty. If youve ever seen the movie Very Bad Things or A Simple Plan you understand that when a group of friends is all keeping the same secret they will be able to accomplish things you never thought possible. Imagine if on day one Joe Judge and David Gettleman had murdered a drifter or played ookie cookie on tape with Mr Mara- there is no limit they wouldnt of gone to to ensure that Mike Glennon would be a successful QB.
Step 2: Dial something up, defensively
You have to install some packages where you get your players ears pinned back and allow them to heat up the QB. You want guys flying around out there, and setting a tone if possible.
Step 3 Hire a search firm
NFL owners know a shockingly small amount about how to own a football team with the exception of Jerry Jones, who rocks. So when it comes time to make a football decision for who to lead their football team, they have to hire another person whose been around football. Its always a good idea to trust people who will have no future accountability to make these decisions.
But PFT arent you the search firm?
I believe there is space in the market for a search firm whose job it is to tell owners which search firms to hire. For example I would tell the Panthers that the order of preference for your search firm should be 1. A former coach of your franchise 2. A guy who has recently sucked on TV for two years 3. Twitter personalty with “NFL” in their handle 4. A guy whose agent knows Adam Schefter so Adam can just do most of your work for you and also serve as your marketing department. Jon Fox sounds like he would fit the bill nicely here, or heck even Ron Rivera although Ron will smooth talk you so fast that your just going to want to hire him again and actually yeah you should hire Ron Rivera to do this job.
Step 4: The coaching search firm gets full use of the Town Car
Nothing says luxury like a town car. Its at the airport, its black, its worse than a limo but its also kind of more prestigious then a limo because no one takes a Town Car to prom. Limos are for people who are either drunk on their way to prom or ugly-crying after night 2 of a bachelorette party. Town Cars are for prestigious people who are on trial for murder, or fuck up sons who wish their dad was dead.
Step 5: Offer them cocaine in the interview
-If they say “yes,” thats not your guy. It would be a red flag.
But still let him do the cocaine because word spreads around the league and no one will want to interview with you in the future if you offer it and then go back on your word.
-If they say “no,” there a narc and they will give anonymous quotes to Peter King about you the second you get busted for cocaine possession
-If they say “haha, no thanks i’m trying to quit,” thats your guy. Shows hes quick on his feet and was prepared to be asked anything. Also it shows that he has experience being offered drugs so he has probably been hanging out around cool people, which is basically the type guy that your looking for.
(-If they say “oh god not another job interview like this again” you can end the questioning and Secretary Rice can find her own way out of the building.)
Step 6: Wait to see who other teams hire
Lets be realistic. Your not going to hire someone who will win you guys a Superbowl. That would take years of commitment to rebuilding and your going to want to fire the guy you hire at some point in the next 5 years no matter what. Plus the sooner you get to do more interviews again, the sooner you get to use the towncar.
Your interviewing someone who ideally best case scenario can get you to the playoffs twice and then leave without suing you. So just kind of stick your finger in the air and see which way the winds blowing- If another team hires the hottest young QB coach or Sean McVays gardener, then you know you gota go with the youth movement. If the first guy who gets hired in this cycle is a former head coach, then you just have to hire that guys son because it automatically becomes a win for you. You just got a younger healthier version of that other guy and you got him at a discount. If they hire someone else, just hire a special teams coordinator and everyone will be like “yeah that guy knows alot about football plus remember John Harbaugh was a special teams coach.”
Step 7: Unveil a new uniform combination.
Nothing gets a fanbase more amped up then finding out that your bringing back the all-white pants for two games a season. Maybe even announce that you will be putting a black armband on the jerseys which adds a degree of seriousness and gravity to your organization, and best part is that you dont ever have to explain who your honoring with the stripe. Reporters will be too nervous to ask because they all think they should know already.
Pardon My Meme's Week 6 Head Coach Poweranking:
10 Things I Know I Know
1. Bills are trying to trade for Christian McCaffery and I think its a outstanding fit. He fits the perfect mold of great Buffalo Bills runnings backs- went to school in California, drafted highly, and has never been convicted of a double-murder of his ex-lover and her new boyfriend. Those are the big three you want.
2. Ron Riveira was asked what the difference is between the rest of the NFC and the Commanders in terms of success this year and answered "the quarterback" before going on to explain that actually there are other positions on a football team as well and he was merely naming one of them at random earlier. My theory is that Ron Rivera loves Carson so much that hes trying to devalue him, trade him to Carolina for next to nothing, then become the Panthers head coach again next year because he loves him so much that he wants to work with him again. Please remind me how right I was when I end up being right.
3. Theres a argument to be made that Travis and Jason Kelce are the greatest athelete brothers of all time at their position. Overcoming being named Travis to become a hall of famer in a non-monster energy drink sponsored sport has got to be the upset of the millenium. My personal Mount Rushmore of football brothers is the Kelces, the Mannings, the McCourteys, and the Ryans. My Mount Kushmore of brothers is Chris and Kyle for what its worth.
4. If Im Adnan Syed I take advantage of the popularity of another guy who was wrongfully accused of not being bout that life and call my autobiography "Jalen Hurts."
5. Roger Goodell is trying to put not one but two franchises in London, England so that there can be a good one and a really shitty one that loser kids are born into rooting for and grow up getting in jail at higher rates and hating their families like they do with Crystal Palace or we do with the Jets. Its actually genius because no matter how shitty they are, one of the two teams will be shittier, which means one of them wont even be that bad and then Goodell wil rig the entire year and ruin the United States 52 year superbowl streak and have the London Lads Football Football Club elevator the lombardi.
6. I fucking hate what a likable piece of shit Kirk Cousins is. We had Kirk on PMT again for one question with a quarterback and hes so god damn nice he knows exactly what hes doing being such an asshole and taking away one of my favorite things to do which is hate Kirk Cousins. Kirk shold have a sense of the moment and allow me to dislike him. Its incredibly selfish that even though Kirk KNOWS how many people get so much joy of hating him, and hes so good at removing that. Hes so disarming which is ironc because usually when you watch him play you its the spectator who disses arm.
My hatred to Kirk Cousins goes back to probably the first time Colt McCoy came in as a sub for him. Colt McCoy was Kirk Cousins with an edge. He was like after POD learned how to cuss. But then Kirk came back and was pretty good for awhile but then he was less than good and then he'd be ok again. When I type that out loud it actually makes me realize he was the best QB that Dan Snyder ever had. Fucking dickhead.
Kirk was incredibly accomodating and agreed to have the PMT interview at noon, which is typically gives his best performance. Then he even hung on the line afterwards and just laughed at how much we hated him, like even he really thought it funny. It was the most insulting thing anyones ever done to me. To be fair it might be a little case of self-hatred because Kirk and I have alot in common we both left northern viginia, neither one of us has ever come close to winning a superbowl, and the best way to describe both of us would be "insanely well paid for consistent mediocrity". Handshake meme.
If Patrick Mahomes Does This The Media Goes Nuts:
What a prefect encapsultaion of what he did to Derek Carr. Just absoluteley shameful.
Unlocked Athletic Premium Plus Content for TMBM Subscribers: Post-Mortem on the Rhule Years