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"Blonde" Is Easily One Of The Worst Movies Of 2022

I knew this would be one of the movies that would break me this year. Look, the video I posted above speaks for itself. I'm not nearly as angry about it as last night, so now that I've settled down, I want to point out a few more things I didn't mention in my initial review.

The film as a whole is entirely inconsistent from a style standpoint. There are some impressive shots, but the constant switching back and forth between black and white and color never felt seamless to me whatsoever. The script for this movie might have been written with crayons. While my main criticism lies in the fact that I think Andrew Dominik has a weird, creepy obsession with Marilyn Monroe and, in turn, an obsession with Ana De Armas, the film is full of dialogue that makes you roll your eyes. The script has the subtlety of a sledgehammer to the scrotum. Everything feels so forced, and despite De Armas' best efforts, the movie feels like a cliff notes version of Marilyn Monroe's life. It covers many beats but rarely hits an emotional nerve unless it includes boredom and frustration.

STOP MAKING 3 HOUR MOVIES ABOUT NOTHING! STOP MAKING 3 HOUR MOVIES ABOUT NOTHING! STOP MAKING 3 HOUR MOVIES ABOUT NOTHING! Okay...moving on.

One of my favorite actors working today is Bobby Cannavale. I think that guy just rules. He can be hilarious, but he can also be a powerhouse dramatic actor. He's one of those actors that I truly hope finds his Oscar-worthy role one day and has a moment in the spotlight. He rarely misses, but casting him as Joe DiMaggio ranks up among one of the most hilariously bad casting misfires of recent memory. Much like De Armas, he throws himself into the role with enough sincerity, but it just doesn't work. His casting is noticeably distracting. 

If there is one good thing about this movie, I am certain I won't forget it soon. It's a rare kind of bad. It's a film that's so in love with itself that you are almost fascinated by how lame it is. If it weren't so goddamn boring, I'd recommend people watch it so that they can become aware of just unique the awfulness truly is. But it's simply too exploitative, dull, and repetitive to recommend to anyone. Avoid it at all costs.