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Poop Wars: Package Thieves Fall Victim to Poop Trap, Retaliate with Poop

A neighborhood in Austin, TX has been devastated by serial package thieves.  

The police in Austin didn't seem interested in stopping it. So after at least a dozen homes had fallen victim to stolen packages, one family took matters into their own hands. They set up a classic poop trap. The couple, who has a baby, saved up enough of their child's poop diapers to fill a box the size of a mini-fridge. Once full, they put the box on their front porch, and waited. The thieves took the bait, and stole the package off their front porch.

But the thieves weren't going to take that lying down. 30 minutes later, they returned with some poop of their own (cow's poop). They spread the cow's poop all over the couple's property.

Poop Wars.

This couple thought they were dealing with some Joe Pesci Home Alone-ass bandits. No sir. You're not going to beat these guys with childish tricks.

Giphy Images.

I've always thought stealing packages has to be one of the easiest crimes to get away with. If I was going to be a criminal, I would be a package thief. Valuable packages are left out for the taking in broad daylight. They don't have tracking devices in them or anything (I don't think). It's literally just sitting there for the taking.

It's also fun. You get the rush of running up to someone's front door and stealing off their front porch. Then you get the excitement of opening up the box to see what you've won. It's like Christmas. It could be literally anything. Although I imagine it's super disappointing 90% of the time. 

"Oh wow it's a curtain rod!"

But eventually you're going to get lucky, and it's going to be a pair of jeans that are just your size. What a thrill.

Also, if you just do it once, you're probably not going to get caught. If you don't come back to the same area multiple times, you're probably not going to get caught. If you do get caught, it's probably not THAT bad of a punishment. 

Package thieving is an honest living. Come to think of it, shame on this couple. They live in a house, they're probably doing just fine. I'm sure they have jobs of their own. Nobody comes to their work and fills their desk drawers with dirty diapers. If that does happen to you, you're not going to go crying to your boss. You're going to order a bag of exotic animal shit off the internet, and put a tiny bit of it under their chair. Not enough so it's obvious, just enough so they faintly smell poop all day. You'll gradually add more and more poop to their chair until eventually they find the poop, and you'll all have a good laugh. 

But this couple is crying to the cops,

"Oh poor me some criminals spread cow's manure all around my home"

First off - you're welcome for the green grass. People literally pay for that. Secondly, you started it assholes. If I'm the cops, I don't waste my time with this. Once both sides have resorted to poop, it's between them.

Sometimes you don't get the thing you ordered. I ordered $50 worth of Uber Eats the other day and it never showed up. I didn't file a report. I threw a flaming bag of dog shit at the next Uber Eats driver who rode past my house on a bike.