,Welcome back to the Monday Morning Bowel Movement- THE MMBM. This year due to constipated schedules the MMBM will be appearing on Tuesdays which will allow me to include coverage of MNF and stuff like RG3 beating a bird in a footrace. There are all new segments to debut, things to rank, and takes to crank. Word of warning your probably not mentally capable of reading and absorbing these takes so if its all the same to you please leave. Its good to be back
This week a new Russell Wilson video dropped that terrified america:
After witnessing whatever it is that that was, our natural reaction would be to ask a very very natural question, and to explore a possibility:
Is Russell Wilson a serial killer?
No, he isn't. but asking the question in the headline is a great way to get you to click on a blog tbh. Mission accomplished. Little gadget play I like to run to keep the defense honest. To be clear I have no evidence or belief that would allow me to conclude that Russell Wilson is a serial killer AT THIS TIME.
But the question needs to be asked because just as Socrates taught, a thesis only becomes legitimate once your able to defend it. So let me explain to you all the reasons why Russell Wilson is NOT a serial killer probably:
Point 1. Serial Killers are charismatic
Point 2. Serial Killers abuse animals physically
As you can see Russell is not currently abusing this dog so I have no evidence to suggest that he would ever do something bad, but I will note that the dog is leaning strongly away from Russ almost as if your hanging out with a friend of a friend who starts talking to you about crypto. So while Russ is probably physically affectionate and not violent towards his animals I think theres a heavy chance he tries to get them to convert their allowance to bitcoin.
But from a critical eye I would not convict him of murder simply based on this picture without other corroborating evidence
Point 3. Serial Killers are solitary creatures
And Russell Wilson was at one time on a Wolfpack, which is the ultimate animal collective unit of teamwork and learning how to handle disappointing losses together with friends, until he abandoned the Wolf Pack to become a Badger
Again this is flimsy at best. I would need a very strong jury to send him to the electric chair out of this however if anyone has experience getting 12th men to buy into things its Russ.
Point 4: Serial Killers like to make a big deal out of being good people
Point 5: His giant house that has 12 bathrooms in it. Its probably not a serial killer move until you consider that one of the most infamous serial killers of alltime got caught because he had inferior plumbing
So in conclusion, is Russell Wilson a Serial Killer? We dont have evidence to prove that hes killed multiple times unless you count offensive coordinaters, however there are warning signs and in my opinion we cant rule it out 100% just like you cant rule out that he is not a robot in which case it would be the fault of the person who programmed him to kill. I always say judge some body by the company they keep and woah
Again, I dont think Russell Wilson is a murderer for the record yet.
Current Head Coaches who were Assistant Coaches on the mid-2010s Washington Redskins Powerankings:
1. Mike McDaniel once again I have him down as the highest on this list, and also he's ranked at the top of it.
2 Matt Lafleur Did Aaron Rodgers cheat using anal beads to find out the play that the Tampa Bay Bucs were running? Its something we should look into
3. Kevin O'Connell Hes got his hands full sending Kirk over to London:
This is quite the conundrum
On one hand Kirk is probly visiting Westminster Abbey for his church servies so either this will give him ultimate powers of faith, but on the other hand if the IRA is around they could catholic guilt him into feeling bad about destroying the Saints. At any rate I expect a rowdy home crowd showing out for Kirk people forget that england was vikings territory at one point, and if theres anything we know about the royal family its that they love Cousins.
4. Sean McVay took care of business against Kliff Kingsbury and didnt even break a sweat. But the Rams failed to step on there throats when he had the opportunity. Does Sean McVay have that DOG in him? Sources say yes but its a hypoallergenic one because he doesnt want to get its hair all over his nice house. Cant win with a dog like that. I want a dog who sheds so much birds accidentally kill themselves flying into your glass windows trying to get in to steal some of its hair off the carpet to make a nest. Maybe thats just me
5. Kyle Shanahan You cant lose to a guy who has more bathrooms than touchdowns week 3. And Im beginning to wonder if Kyle should of at some point given his Quarterback access to their playbook at some point beforeweek 2.Good news is for Shanahan that he gets to verse off against Sean McVay this monday and he owns him except for in the playoffs last year. Gonna be alot of fun to be reminded how those coaches were on the same staff in Washington that will be a real hoot.
Here are the rest of the coach powerankings by our good friend Memes
10 Things I Know I Know
1. Looks like Dude Perfect is getting some of that Saudi Money to good use
Now I have no idea if the Dudes are using Public Investment fund capital to enriche themselves and their dude lifestyle, however I will say that it does look as if Dudetopia project would be an excellent place to go if you asked 7 year old me to design a dream facility. No girls allowed, sports, various balls and sporting equipment everywhere. Like if you re-wrote Blank Check minus the creepy storyline where the kid is seducing like a 25 year old woman. This artists desing of Dude City USA is literaly the meme for "Society, but if everyone went to texas a&m"
2. The Anal Bead Chess cheating scandal or "Queens Gambutt-gat"e is coming to a climax. Magnus Carlson- world champion of chess and respecter of norms, has issued a statement in regard to Hans Neimanns wild ride to the top of the international chess tournaments. He basically said hes cheating but I cant prove it, or the Melinda Gates defense. Speaking of Melinda Gates, McKenzie Bezos got divorced again- McKenzie if your reading this sup? Not asking for myself but if theres one way to piss Jeff off it would be if you bought a professional sports team before he did. Maybe we pool our funds together and purchase the commanders just a thought haha lol haha jk but seriously being a billionaire single woman is the recipe for maybe the best realty show of all time. What does a recently divorce woman do with unlimited money? Ultimate real housewives of Monaco potential
As far as the chess goes wouldnt it just be easier to hide your opponents pieces up your butt when they werent looking? Classic little misdirection of "Hey Magnus look over there isnt that the President of Finland" and then boom grab his king and keister it. New world champion.
I am still quite enthralled regarding this scandal because its kind of like the aftermath of the 2020 election all over again except this time with stuff that people actually care about. Either Magnus is the biggest sour grapes guy of all time, or Hans Neimann is literaly the worlds first sore loser
3. Thursday night football is tonight and we have a incredible uniform matchup between the white tigers and the aqua dolphins. Make no mistake this is a candy ass uniform matchup but thats perfect for thursday nights. Something significant is gona happen and we'll all be able to remember what game it was because of these uniforms. I cant stop thinking about how fast Tyreek Hill is gona look and how angry
Paul Mike Brown is gona be that he had to buy a new set of clothes for everyone on the team.Also thoughts and prayers to Tua's upper upper upper upper upper back hope its feeling better.
4. Congrats to Aaron Judge who became the first person to hit 61 home runs in almost 21 years. Can we get a little applause in the chat going for Giancarlo Stanton who served as the Mickey Mantle in this situation to make sure Judge was getting pitches to hit. Looking forward to Pete Alonso filling in that role next year.
5. Any longtime MMBM readers know that Im a bit of a fashion appreciator and Kyler Murray showed off his motorcycle costume for the cameras on Sunday
So cool i guess the four hours of film hes been watching this week is gone in 60 seconds and the french connection. There are alot of QBs in the NFL who wake up one day and say to themselves "I'm a fashion guy now. Im just really into fashion. Wearing clothes is a passion of mine" and then they proceed to make themselves look like when you put a silly hat on your dog and try to take a picture of it before it takes it off because its uncomfortable. Putting this up there with other two mainstays of the genre- Film Noir Big Ben, and Mumford and Sons Carson
Regardless it seems like the Cardinals ludicrous season is going the Paul Walker route as they ended up going down in flames as they were trying to pass Rams
6. Nathanial Hackett hired a coach for himself because head coaches need coaching too. His new hire Jerry Rosburg will fill a much needed position inthe Broncos organization in charge of doing things like deciding whether or not to challenge as well as whether they should punt, kick field goals, call timeouts, and other items of business. Credit to Hackett for realizing that in his current structure there was no one in charge of doing those things and hiring someone else to take care of them. Alot of people might point out that this is a major "what would you say it is that you do here" situation. This woud be equivilant to hiring a nanny who is in charge of raising your children, going grocery shopping, and having sex with your husband which is a model that has been popular in the past but typicaly results in fewer rings, not more.
Also I'd like to take this moment to remind everyone that Russell Wilson is not a serial killer. That would mean that hes killed MORE than one person and I have no reason to believe that he has. Also I dont think hes killed one person either, but I am as always waiting for all the facts to come out.
7. I like this quote from Mike Vrabel in Football Morning in America
As Mike Vrabel once said about defensive football, coverage is about figuring out the worst thing that can happen to you and doing whatever is necessary to prevent that thing from happening.
Thats so true in football and in life. Basicaly we spend our entire life trying not to die or have to go to Trader Joes at 11 AM on a Saturday, which brings me to my next point. I dont hate farmers markets but is there room in this world for a farmers market that starts at 3 pm on a weekend instead of at 645 am? I feel like there should be on account of the freak shows who use their saturday mornings to get up before College Gameday even begins shouldnt be receiving more nutritients than me- a man in his 30s who uses Friday nigth as the one day a week to disengage autopilot and see if we cant buzz a few towers. Just something to think about.
8. Justin Herberts injury isnt that serious. I too have separated rib cartilege, and I too took a Toradol shot before doing my job Sunday
So yes I am writing this column through a significatn amount of pain but such is life. Im not sure how great my doctor was considering he shot me up in my arm for a rib injury but I guess he didnt want a repeat of the Tyrod Taylor incident. Some would call me a warrior, some would call me dedicated to my craft, some would call me humble, and others would say this entire paragraph was like when Marylin Manson had a rib procedure of his own.
9. I love watching rich people celebrate
Theyre so rich that the entire world is their golf course and I think we had Jerry doing the fist bump into the open hand no less than 9 times in this brief span.
10. This dude is a football guy stuck in a weathermans pancho
This guy breaks down hurricanes like if Brian Baldinger actually strapped up in pads and a helmet and took film analysis into virtual reality. I think its fantastic but also funny that Americans are so dumb that the only to prove to us that rain is wet and wind blows fast is to have a screaming italian guy on the news constantly in danger of dying.
11. Lebron wants to go back and play college football huh. Boy I tell you. Maybe instead of wanting to play college football and take away a scholarship from a hard-working kids like Will Swinney or Jack Fitzgerald he can join the United States Army and head to West Point and serve his country while trying it out. Being a officer in the military would combine Lebrons two greatest loves- bossing people around like theyre beneath you, and traveling. Folks, as far as I know the only "triple option" Lebron is known to take is the amount of steps necessary to pull off a crab dribble.
If Patrick Mahomes Does This The Media Goes Nuts:
That Rhino's dad is gona be so pissed when it sees this video.
Recommended activity for Deshaun Watson to avoid committing sexual assaults this week: Doing Math With Billy Football
I will say one good thing about Billy here- he is maybe the least horny person I've ever met. I think its difficult for Billy to even consider thinking about sex given all the important- earth-shattering items of consequence that he has rolling around through his head at any given time. For instance this week he tried to determine whether or not Patrick Ricard is stronger than the Kool Aid Man in this very important thread.
"Now using high school physics, I could justify Pat Ricard busting into your house. There isn't much else to this theory besides Patrick Ricard moving the best out of any 300 lb person I have ever seen. He's a freak of nature and hopefully, we see some of that against this weekend"
Unlocked Athletic Premium Plus Content for TMBM Subscribers:
Alot of you guys dont have the credit necesary to unlock all of the content that the Athletic has to offer. For instance after passing their credit check to achienve double diamond level, I get Ken Rosenthals to manage my fantasy baseball team the Seamhead Express (we're in the finals nbd). In this weeks column available only at the country club tier we place a call to Brett Favre at his plantation estate down in Mississippi:
PS I should say for the record that these exerpts are literally unreal.