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Speed Rankings: The First Jobs Of 30 Different Barstool Employees

Blog Wheel is back again. The haters have formed a line outside the office and they all have guns. After being accosted at a bar this weekend by a young man who was fed up with the Blog Wheel, I strongly considered scrapping the entire series. I called an emergency meeting with Dave, Erika, and Hank, and we discussed our options. After hours of deliberation, we decided that it was too much of a money maker to let go. Maybe we'll stop it at some point, but not until the advertising money dries up. We're simply fielding too many calls from companies who are throwing money at us in hopes of advertising with Blog Wheel. 

This week's Blog Wheel is brought to you by the Bill & Melinda Gates Foundation. A better world by 2030 is within our reach - if we work together. 

I keep making that same joke about the guy who told me he didn't like the Blog Wheel, but in all seriousness, he was super nice and I enjoyed our conversation. As everyone knows, I only joke about things constantly to show how unbothered I am by them. 

But the Bill & Melinda Gates Foundation part is real. 

Here is the spin:

Thank you stoolie memes (@StoolieMemes). stoolie memes is one of my biggest supporters. You are appreciated 💕

I like this topic, it's different than most things I write about. Kind of. I guess I do write about inner Barstool stuff a lot, so maybe it's not too different. But it was a good reason for me to talk to people in the office who I don't normally speak with. People seemed to enjoy talking about their first jobs.

We have a ton of employees, so I'm sorry for how long this is about to be.  After I asked 10-15 people, I felt like I had more than enough to write the blog. But then I felt like I was leaving people out. Also, I had no girls (intimidating to talk to them). I ended up talking to pretty much every single content person who was in the office. I'm sure I'm still missing half the people. I ended up with the first jobs of 30 different Barstool employees.

As stoolie memes requested, I will be ranking my co-workers first jobs. I considered Power Ranking them, but that's over done. These rankings will be about speed, which nobody has done before (original).

Speed Ranking Barstool Employees First Jobs:

The thing about Speed Rankings are that they don't necessarily make sense. The parameters on which I'm ranking these jobs will likely change as I go. My reasoning for ranking one job high, might contradict a reason I have for ranking another job low. They're done quickly and without too much thought. Power Rankings are more percise, and are typically based in reality. Speed Rankings are fired from the hip. It's a mixture of what job I would have liked the most and what job is the funniest.

#1 Dave Portnoy - Don't know, doesn't matter
I was too much of a coward to DM Dave this question. I've been fairly terrified of Dave ever since the John Rich's Wild incident where I drunk DM'd him asking if I could produce the Rundown. I am sure Dave's first job was greta, he was great at it, and it made him the incredible man that he is today. I would have been extremely lucky to have whatever job it was.

#2 Frank Fleming - Running A Sand Art Stand At A Street Festival
If I wasn't ranking Dave #1 as a way to suck up/make an easy joke, Frank would have easily been #1 (hence the #2 ranking). When I first asked Frank he said, "Grocery Bagger". Then he said, "Wait a minute, my first job was actually running a sand art stand at a street festival. They paid me under the table." Hopefully the IRS doesn't come after him now I've made that public. Can you imagine not buying sand art from Frank Fleming? Whatever amount of money he was paid illegally was not enough. 

Knowing Frank, he was probably the most knowledgable sand art peddler of all time. Anything Frank does he does 100%. I regret not asking him 100 follow up questions. How did he get the job? How long did he do it for? What is sand art? I might need to do a follow up blog detailing Frank Fleming's sand art stand. 

#3 Nick - Junior Zookeeper + Millipede Expert at Oglebay Good Zoo
This is the least shocking news of all time. If you gave me one guess as to "Who at Barstool Sports was formerly a Millipede Expert", I would say Nick immediately. "Good Zoo" also makes me laugh. Thank you for clarifying that your zoo is good. 

#4 Big T - Sports Blogs & Covering High School Sports
That checks out. Big T said he wrote for various different sports blogs and covered high school sports while he was in college. It's pretty cool that he started blogging at a young age and parlayed it into a job at Barstool Sports. I have to rank this high, considering it's what I do now, and I consider this my dream job.

#5 Owen - Scoreboard Operator
Can't complain about getting to watch sports at work. I got to operate the scoreboard at hockey and baseball games a few times, but I always wished I would have gotten to do it more.

#6 Doogs - Special Needs Camp
Very noble of Doogs. Credit to me for ranking it highly. It looks great on a resume, and it was probably fun to play with the kids. Doogs strikes me as an ideal camp counselor. Probably didn't take things too seriously. Probably let the kids get away with the some stuff that a more mature counselor would not have. I would have done the same.

#7 Jordyn - Pool & Spa Store
Jordyn said the store was never busy, so she would sit there all day and watch Netflix. That's the type of job I always wanted. I had friends who would tell me that they just sat at work all day and watched Netflix, but I never stumbled across a job like that. My dumbass picked jobs where I had to do things. Very stupid of me.

#8 PFT - Christmas Tree Salesman
PFT has discussed his time as a Christmas Tree Salesman before. That sounds like a delightful job. I think people are generally happy when they're buying a Christmas Tree. Christmas is the happiest time of year. I've always wanted to work a sales job where you get to sell to people who are already in the market to buy what you're selling. As opposed to cold calling companies who are trying to do anything other than deal with a salesperson.

#9 Spider - Golf Cart Attendant
Spider still kinda looks like he drives a golf cart for work. Usually when you work at a golf course you get free golf (at least at certain times of the day). That's awesome. If you want to get good at golf as a kid, you either need rich parents or a job at a golf course. He said he did some landscaping and caddying as well. The golf course (especially when you're a caddy) is a great place to make connections when you're younger. Sometimes if you caddy for the right person they'll give you a fat stack of cash as a tip.

#10 Jeff D Lowe - Golfsmith (retail store)
This seems like a fairly ideal job for a young man who's into golf as well. I would have liked it. I bet it was never too crazy busy, and the customers just wanted to talk golf with you. I probably would have a learned a ton about golf, and it would have helped me be a better player. Probably would have got discounts on some gear. Maybe could have stolen some clubs if I thought I could get away with it.

#11 Robbie - Chipper At On The Border
I'm on the fence of whether this a top 5 job, or a bottom 5 job, so I'll just go with #11. Robbie was a Chipper at the Mexican restaurant On The Border. As a Chipper, Robbie's only job was to bring chips to people at their tables. He had no other responsibilities. Only the chips.

 It's a very funny job, which makes me want to rank it high, but I imagine the work itself kind of sucked. I'm sure time went slow. That's a job where you can't fuck up. If all you're doing is the chips, then you sure as hell better not let a single table run out of chips at any point during their meal. It's a very literal, "You have one job" situation. No excuse for anybody to go chipless.

#12 Steven Cheah - Planet Smoothie
I've heard Steven Cheah talk about his job at Planet Smoothie on The Yak. As far as food service jobs go, this has to be one of the better ones. No gross food to clean up after. No crazy preparation or anything. Just a bunch of smoothie machines. Cleaning the machines was probably a bitch, but if that's the worst thing he had to do then that's pretty good. Also, I know he got to make cool smoothie combos, which would have been fun to do.

#13 Brandon - Little League Umpire
This is another job I'm conflicted on. I was an umpire in the summer for about 10 years of my life. I loved it and hated it. I did it up until I was 26 years old. It's usually paid under the table, which is awesome. I'd get anywhere from $40-$60 per game, which is a fantastic hourly rate. 

But it is one of the most thankless jobs in the world. I've talked about this before, but Little League Umpire is one of the only jobs where "customers" can consistently tell you how shitty of an employee you are, and you just have to take. It's quite literally a part of the culture. It really depends on what type of person you are. Some people thrive on it (psychos). I hated it at first, but after a couple of years I got used to it, and I learned to enjoy it. But most people who umpire do it for a summer at most before realizing they don't love being verbally assaulted at work every day. I imagine Brandon had pretty thick skin, but the work itself can definitely be shitty.

#14 Kate - Pizza Shop/Deli
Kate worked at a Pizza Shop/Deli when she was in 7th grade. Which to me seems way too young to be doing that. She said that since she was only in 7th grade, she wasn't allowed to use the pizza cutter, so when she was left alone people would come into the store and ask for pizza, and she had to tell them she wasn't allowed. Pretty funny move.

#15 Rone - Mowing Lawns & Babysitting
Mowing laws is a job for men, and babysitting is a job for women. That's how you get such a well-rounded ally like Rone. Neither of those are great, but they're not terrible either. 

#16 Rudy - Security Guard
Security Guards are kind of cool. Everyone assumes that you're tough, even if you're not. You probably get to carry some sort of blunt weapon. Maybe pepper spray. Maybe a flashlight. Unlike most jobs, you don't have to put on a smile or pretend to be happy to see people. It's quite the opposite. You're encouraged to stand there and look menacing. 

Rudy said one time him and some other employees wore their Security Guard uniforms and snuck into a concert at the venue where he worked. That's pretty awesome. Except he got caught and was fired. He also described himself as a walking pylon, so it sounds like he didn't get to do any cool security guard stuff.

#17 Big Ev - Bus Boy/Security at a Golf Course/Restaurant
Ev would make a great Security Guard. The Bus Boy part would suck though. A Golf Course/Restaurant doesn't seem like a place that would need a menacing security guard, but who knows. I am sure he served a purpose.

#18 Vibbs - Landscaping 
Another job that I've had myself. It's hard work, which always sucks, but I usually found it rewarding. At the end of the day you truly feel like you've put in a good da of work. It's a decent workout (depending on what exactly you're doing), and it's a fantastic way to stay nice and tan in the summer. Maybe should have ranked it higher but these are Speed Rankings so I'm plowing ahead.

#19 Kelly Keegs - Jewelry Boutique
I don't know much about jewelry boutiques. Not fully sure what they are, but I'm assuming they're the same thing as a jewelry store. I will say it seems like a place where you would have annoying customers. They were probably rich and asked a lot of questions.

#20 Duggs - AMC Movie Theatre
Duggs said he liked movies, so he got a job at a movie theatre. I wouldn't have hated that job, but it seems very sticky. Sticky is bad.

#21 KB - Grocery Bagger
This makes sense. He would have fit in well at a Kroger's.

#22 Jersey Jerry - Bagger (Safeway)
Same job as KB. It makes sense as a first job. Responsibilities are very straight forward. Paper or plastic? Then bag the food. Seems like good experience for a young man. I would have hated it a lot.

#23 Caroline - Indoor Life Guard
She said she was a Life Guard at 15 years old. Seems kind of crazy that you can be trusted with lives before you can legally drive a car. Life Guard doesn't sound appealing at all. Time would stand still. 99% of the time you're doing absolutely nothing. Plus, the pool she worked at was indoors. She said it was hot and sticky all the time. It probably felt like you were suffocating in there.

#24 Rico - Target Cashier
Working at a giant retail store like Target would be tough. There's just no breaks. Target is always busy. This makes Rico's gripe against against the self-checkout machines make a lot of sense. If you aren't familiar with Rico's stance on self-checkouts, when he goes to a store (like a CVS for example), he refuses to use the self checkout. It's not his job to check out his own goods, it's the cashier's job. They don't just get to stand there and do nothing all day. If they're just going to point everyone to the self-checkout, then what are they doing there? I can appreciate that. They probably didn't have self-checkouts when Rico was working. If he had to stand there all day and scan everyone's items at Target, they're going to have to scan his items as well.

#25 Nate - Subway Sandwich Artist
Nate has always been a creative person. I'm sure the art he made at Subway was very impressive. Subway seems like one of the worst restaurants to work at. There's so many ingredients you have to keep stocked all the time. You have to pay attention to everyone because they're all ordering something so specific. People probably had really stupid and annoying requests all the time. You had to be friends with Jared Fogel and Robert Griffin III. Yuck.

#26 Lil Sas - Bus Boy
I was a bus boy for a week of my life. I hated it and quit so fast. I maybe worked 2.5 shifts. Not sure how long Sas lasted, but if it was over a month, I'm impressed. Cleaning up after strangers is disgusting. Especially if the stranger is a disgusting person. In my experience, about 20% of people are genuinely disgusting.

#27 Big Cat - Shoveling Driveways
No thanks. Shoveling driveways was always my least favorite chore growing up. I used to get in trouble because when my dad would tell me to do it, I would call my friend who had a snowplow and pay him to do it for me. I think I was supposed to be building character or something.

#28 Tommy Smokes - 7/11
Smokes heads are already familiar with Tommy's time at the 7/11. I believe he worked there for one week, which was the week of July 11 (7/11) - the day they give out free Slurpees. Can't blame him for quitting after that. Working at a convenience store is bad enough when they're not giving out free shit. I wonder if that's a big day for homeless people at the 7/11. Do homeless people drink Slurpees? I only ever drink Slurpees when I'm in good spirits. Homeless people generally have low spirits.

#29 Klemmer - McDonald's
No way to get around it, that would suck. Fuck everything about working at McDonald's. I wouldn't wish that on anyone. I will say, working at a McDonald's builds character. At least I would imagine it does. If you've spent any time working at a McDonald's, then you must really appreciate every job you have after that.

#30 Francis - Filled Bags of Trash
You would really appreciate not working at McDonald's, unless you had this job. I'm still not entirely clear on what Francis meant by this. I almost thought he was doing a bit. Francis' first job was "filling bags of trash". I pried a little more into it, and it sounds like he walked around some sort of property that was on a ravine, picked up trash, then took it to the dump. So basically he was prisoner. Sounds like a terrible experience.