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James Bond Producers Reportedly Plan to Save the Franchise by Making 007 'More Sensitive'

It's just my personal opinion, but I lump the 007 film franchise in with other institutions that were once universally considered great, but are shadows of their former glory. That were once cornerstones of our culture, but either through neglect or simply changing tastes, are no longer nearly as relevant as they once were. For example, newspapers. broadcast networks, porn mags, or America, just to name a few. 

And one of these failing institutions is, without a doubt, the James Bond franchise. A huge deal when it was first introduced and for a good 20 years after, by the 2000s it was more popular as a video game than it was as a film series. Daniel Craig breathed some life back into it with Casino Royale and later Skyfall. But the other Bonds he made were clumsy, forgettable messes with a few good action set pieces sprinkled in. Now he's gone for good. And so we find ourselves in one of those periods where the entire enterprise feels like it's dead. As of right now, we don't even know who is going to play Bond going forward.

Except not so fast. The producers think they have found a solution. They're going to reimagine James Bond into a man of our times:

Source - The next James Bond films will have bigger roles for women and a more sensitive 007, according to the producers, who said, “Bond is evolving just as men are evolving.”

Barbara Broccoli said that the next actor to take the role will continue the work of Daniel Craig, who “cracked Bond open emotionally.” …

Asked by [far-left] Variety magazine if those qualities would continue in the next film, Broccoli agreed. “It’s an evolution. Bond is evolving just as men are evolving. I don’t know who’s evolving at a faster pace,” she said.

And to that I speak for all fans of the franchise when I say, Bravo! Bravissimo! Mwah! Chef's kiss! This is what we've wanted all along. No, strike that. This is what we've needed, ever since Sean Connery first lit a cigarette at the Black Jack table in Dr. No.

Changes need to be made. (Beginning with that cigarette, which is inconsiderate of gamblers with respiratory issues, and needs to be taken to the designated smoking area located 100 feet beyond the casino entrance.) Men are no longer interested in living vicariously through a man with a License to Kill and nerves of steel who coolly stares down danger, escapes certain death, saves the world, and then gets the girl. Women have had it up to HERE with the thought of a mysterious, rakishly handsome, impeccable dressed, suave, sophisticated, international bon vivant taking them on a daring mission, gets them out safely, and then gives them commitment-free sex. Sometimes in zero gravity. Who has time for any of that? 

No, this is the 2020s. What we need is emasculated 007. The Bachelor Bond. 

Not seducing Pussy Galore, but opening up to her and saying he appreciates how vulnerable he can be around her. 

Not cracking wise when Goldfinger is seconds away from cutting his johnson off with a slow moving laser, but instead acknowledging that the penis is a symbol of male sexual aggression and he'll perhaps be a better person without it. 

Not spending so much of his time trying to stop Blofeld and dismantle SPECTRE's ability to create chaos on a global scale. But instead to focus on his own toxic masculinity and working to tear down the patriarchy that he has not only benefited from, but also helped empower.

Not giving Honey Ryder the smoldering bedroom eyes when she comes out of the ocean:

Giphy Images.

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...  but recognizing his male gaze is objectifying her and turning his head in order to give her a safe space.

I want my Bond to get permission from Moneypenny before complimenting her on her looks, then filling out the proper paperwork with HR before making any flirtatious advancements. (I could use that in my Celtics coach as well.) And to be the sweet, caring, sensitive human we need in these times to stop major international threats. To thwart clear and present dangers to us all, considerately and with compassion. 

Because that's how the modern male has evolved. Despite every standup routine you've ever heard with the premise, "Men and women are different," that is no longer the case. Sensitive, evolved James Bond is coming to reflect the current male, save the world, and restore this once great movie franchise. Can't wait.

Giphy Images.