Live EventRivalry Week: El Pres vs. Big Ev - Barstool College Football Show Week 13Starting Soon
BLACK FRIDAY WEEKEND SALE: 20% Off the Barstool Store | New Collections & Limited Edition Hoodies, Crewnecks, T-Shirts, Hats, Jackets and MoreSHOP NOW

Beach People vs. Mountain People

Welcome back to Blog Wheel. This introduction is dedicated to @pete86159200. When I asked for Blog Wheel topics on Sunday morning, I used the big/small letters SpongeBob meme to mock the people who tell me to come up with my own topics. Yet still, Pete made a hurtful comment. 

It's almost like Pete didn't see the meme. First off, Pete, I am not a fucking moron. Would a fucking moron have graduated from Bowling Green State University in less than 5 years with a 3.0 GPA? Would a fucking moron continue addressing Pete over and over again as a way to cope with his insecurities? I don't think so. That's how you deal with haters on the internet. You address them head on. If you ignore the comments, then the haters win. If I don't spend multiple paragraphs responding to Pete, then I look like a chump.

What now Pete? Bet you didn't expect this, did you big guy? I bet you thought you would just call me a moron, log off, and never hear from me again. Well, think again Buster. Welcome to the torture chamber. You have my full attention, and that is the LAST thing you want. See what happens if you call me a moron one more time. I. FUCKING. DARE. YOU.

Here are the topics that made the wheel this week

Worst Lefties

Best YouTube Rabbit Holes

Beach People vs Mountain People

Unbiased Views on Canada

How did Sandy The Squirrel end up in the ocean?

Instruments of Southeast Asia

Hamsters

Road Trip Entertainment

Here is the spin:

Someone asked why I spoil the topic in the tweet. It's because people don't watch the spin for the topic reveal. They watch the spin for my budding personality. 

Beach People vs Mountain People

Luckily, I have extensive experience with both types of people. I was born in the mountains. My parents were Mountain People. But when I was 16, I ran away from home. I hitchhiked from the backwoods of Appalachia to San Diego, California where I joined a gang of Beach People who robbed banks while surfing. I am the perfect person to write this.

Beach People and Mountain People have very different vibes. However, you might be surprised to learn that they have a great deal in common as well. Here are things about them.

A Healthy Respect for Nature

Both Beach People and Mountain People have a healthy respect for nature. As a Mountain Child, I was raised to be friends with squirrels, foxes, raccoons, and birds. By age 5, I could communicate with them. By age 10, I was having full blown conversations. But despite our friendships, there always came time for the hunt. As a Mountain Person, killing your animal friends was nothing to be ashamed of. It's the circle of life. Mountain People live off of the land. In order for the mountain's ecosystem to thrive, Mountain People must feed on the animals. The animals understand this. Animals are welcome to feed on the Mountain People as well. I lost my older sister to a Big Horn Sheep during rabies season. 

When I moved to the beach, I learned how to communicate with the fish and the dolphins.  I learned how to use sea shells to harness the power of the tides. You can't expect to survive on the beach unless you've harnessed the power of the tides. I did however learn a tough lesson while on the beach - Fish are friends, not food

My first week on the beach, I lured a tuna close to shore with a siren song. Once I had gained it's trust, I stuck a harpoon through his chest. Then I prepared hearty tuna steaks for my new beach family. But my new friend Bodhi was none too pleased with me. Luckily, he didn't tell the elders. Bodhi helped me bury the steaks on the north shore. It was an honest misunderstanding, but had the elders found out, I surely would have been sacrificed to the sea. 

Food

Whereas Mountain People survive by eating their friends, beach people eat mostly sand. 

But what about seafood? Great question. 

Haircuts

When I moved from the mountains to the beach, I did not have to change my hairstyle whatsoever. Beach Boys and Mountain Men have long flowing unwashed hair that goes down past their shoulders. Beach Boys hair is full of salt. It collects seaweed, starfish, and plastic 6-pack holders. Mountain Men hair is full of berries, leaves, and twigs.

The women are the opposite. Beach Broads and Mountain Broads typically keep their hair above their ears. Even the hot ones. The Beach Broads who don't have short hair wear long braids, which I have always found pretty hot.

Drugs

Drugs are a big part of beach life and mountain life. The beach life is very chill and laid back, so marijuana is prevalent. I used to start, middle, and end my days with a joint. Beers were common as well. Every night we would sit around the campfire and drink tall Modelo Cheladas. 

Mountain life is a bit different. Before Mountain People venture into the woods to converse with the wildlife, they smoke a great deal of meth. Meth labs are Mountain People's main source of income, sustenance, and happiness. When you turn 10 years old in the mountains, your father gives you a bag of meth, a jug of moonshine, and takes you to your first tree party. From there on out, you are a respected member of the community. 

Clothing

Clothing on the beach and on the mountain are entirely opposite. Beach People do not own shirts. They are shirtless (or in a swimsuit) in the hot beating sun 100% of the time. Their tan leathery skin becomes drier and drier until they are able to peel layers of it off their body. After they peel, the process starts over. 

Mountain People do not remove their shirts under any circumstance. When a Mountain Person puts on a shirt, they wear it until it disintegrates off of their body. If they want a new shirt, they have to find one in the woods. But more important than a Mountain Person's shirt, is their jacket. Jackets are worn year round, and are a prized possession of anyone on the mountain who owns one (which is everyone). The more dirty and worn the jacket is, the more prestigious the person. 

Hats

Hats are not forbidden on the beach, but they are not especially common. Trucker hats are the only hats you will find on the beach. Visors went out of style in the mid 2000's.

Obviously, Mountain People wear animal skins on their heads. The best way to honor your animal friends after you've slain and eaten them, is by turning them into a fashionable hat.

Cars

Both Beach People and Mountain People drive Jeep Wranglers. Manual transmission. Roof off. Doors off.

Sexuality

Beach People are notoriously promiscuous. A day on the beach is more or less one long sexual encounter. The idea of gay/straight does not exist to Beach People as they do not discriminate based on sexuality or gender. The only problems they face are getting sand getting in their holes, and sexually transmitted diseases. 

Mountain People are predominately homosexual. It has started to cause a problem, as they are not reproducing at a high enough rate. The mountains population is dwindling. It's very difficult to convince a Mountain Men to have sex with a Mountain Woman. Gay sex is the sex of choice for 80% of people on the mountain.

Employment 

There are very few jobs on the beach or the mountain. As mentioned earlier, Mountain People's economy is fueled by meth. Those on the mountain who do not sell meth are gas station clerks, or surly waitresses. 

The beach's economy relies heavily on vibes. Jobs on the beach are few and far between. Bartender is the most sought after job there is. Once someone obtains a job as the bartender, they are the bartender for life. The bartender is a staple of the beach community. He or she is a very chill person. Everybody knows the local bartender. They can be found behind the bar 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.  Alongside of the bartender is a hot tan male Bus Boy. The Bus Boy spends his days wiping down tables with a dirty rag, spraying the sidewalk with a hose, and giving directions to tourists. 

I hope this was educational. Thank you once again for your time.