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Playing Fantasy Football Is The Dumbest Thing Humans Do

Look at that carnage. Look at it! 

Giphy Images.

I guarantee you our pal Dylan spent the last few weeks rosterbating as he dreamed of a fantasy team that not only was going to win a championship but go undefeated along the way. The amount of shit he would talk to his friends during that magical season would be unmatched. Scoring 150 in Week 1 may have seemed like a lofty goal. But the Cowboys would probably rather throw against the Bucs stout front 7, Elijah Mitchell was ready to run wild in what should be a 49ers blowout, Allen Robinson finally playing with a real QB will have him ready to put up numbers, and all the other dumb shit we tell ourselves all week.

Then the actual games begin, which means the actual carnage begins. Allen Robinson goes out on Opening Night only to put up worse numbers with Matt Stafford and the defending Super Bowl Champions than he did with the assorted trash the Bears and Jaguars wheeled out as their respective QB1s. 

Najee Harris scoring a touchdown was pretty cool!

You know what's not cool? Najee Harris getting hurt a little while later after that along with Tee Higgins in the same game not to mention Elijah Mitchell since Kyle Shanahan has to pay penance to the Running Back Gods every year for all the bullshit he pulls. 

Oh you think Kyle Pitts is the future of the tight end position? Well that may be the case, but for today he is going to finish with 19 yards in a game where the Falcons scored 26 points. The Eagles Defense that looked like a solid play after a James Bradberry Pick 6 gave up 35 points to the Lions, which means back to picking up different defenses every week. Having a Chargers kicker on your roster pretty much is begging for the Football Gods to fuck you with a strap on.

Then to finish off the entire day of hell, Dak goes out behind an offensive line that is most certainly not elite, lays an egg, gets hurt for 6-8 weeks, and also turns CeeDee Lamb into an undroppable player that is going to be catching passes from Cooper Rush who will be throwing behind that aforementioned offensive line. Fucking devastating, especially for this poor mamaluke who has to know that Sean Payton is looking at Dallas homes on Zillow right now.

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I would say I don't know why we ruin the greatest sport in the world by doing this to ourselves every year. But I do. It's because being in a league with your buddies and having roughly a 10% chance to talk shit to them that hits their soul makes all the bullshit, heartache, rooting for preposterous scenarios, scouring the waiver wire, and reading of blurbs from random fantasy nerds worth it. Plus the manager that took that easy W off Dylan is having a 10/10 day right now

I've been playing this shit since the 90s when we would have to call the commissioner to put in waiver claims and get our weekly results/standings emailed to us because there were no websites to run a league. I'd give anything to be able to never play a fantasy league again yet will never willfully quit the big league I'm in. Can't wait to convince myself of an easy Week 2 win by this time tomorrow.

Since we are all addicted and not going anywhere, you might as well subscribe to the Fantasy Football Factory podcast with Steven Cheah and Mintzy then watch their weekly Dear Mr. Fantasy Start/Bench segment so you can blame them for whatever hell the Fantasy Gods put you through.