I was perusing the NY Post today looking for potential Rundown topics. It's so fucking slow until football season starts, so sometimes I have to get creative. However, the NY Post gave me a layup with this story today.
"Violent, disgusting 'Winnie the Pooh' horror movie trailer drops" - New York Post
I was telling people in the office about this, this morning. Coach Duggs informed me that the public domain rights (that's probably not the right way to say it), for Winnie the Pooh just ran out. Now anybody can use Pooh's likeness however they wish. If you're not going to make a Winnie the Pooh pornography, then the obvious choice is to turn him into a blood thirsty horror movie monster.
I was a bit of a Pooh head myself as a child. I always had a soft spot for Eeyore. Since Winnie the Pooh's likeness is up for grabs (source: Coach Duggs), I think Barstool needs to capitalize by selling some Pooh related merch/products. I came up with some ideas that I know would make the company money.
Winnie the Pooh sizes in the Barstool Store
If you go to the Barstool Sports Store, you can buy shirts in S, M, L, XL, 2XL, 3XL, and 4XL (there's some big Stoolies out there). As everyone knows, Winnie the Pooh does not wear pants. He only wears a small t-shirt that goes down to the top of his belly. Obviously this isn't a viable option in real life. At the time of this blog, walking around with an exposed penis and/or vagina is frowned up in our society. Some would call it illegal. But what about people who would like to Winnie the Pooh in real life? They need a shirt that is long enough to cover their genitalia. You could effectively do that by buying a shirt 3 sizes too big, but that wouldn't be fashionable. A 3XL would be way too big on my shoulders. I would look ridiculous Winnie the Poohing in that. And what if Frank or Coach Duggs wants to Winnie the Pooh? What we need are 7 more 'Pooh sizes' in the Barstool Sports store. S, S-Pooh, M, M-Pooh, L, L-Pooh, XL, XL-Pooh, 2XL, 2XL-Pooh, 3XL, 3XL-Pooh, 4XL, 4XL-Pooh. The shirts will be sized to fit tight around the shoulders & waist, but long enough to hang just below the tip of your penis or lower vagina.
We already push dick pills at Barstool Sports. Why not sell condoms? Tigger Caps will be condoms for your penis. Is your girlfriend tired of your straight dick? Mine isn't because mine curves hard to the left, but if I was a straight penised man, then Tigger Caps would be for me. Tigger Caps have little triangular bumps on each side of the condom, which makes your penis appear and feel zig-zag for your woman's pleasure. They will also be orange and have black stripes. It turns your penis into Tigger's tail.
Barstool has had success with food and drink brands such as Pardon My Cheesesteak, Barstool Bites, Pink Whitney, and After Dinner Mintz. With Piglettuce, we will combine bacon and lettuce into one product and call it Piglettuce. Piglettuce will simplify your shopping experience by combining 2 of the 4 ingredients needed to make a BLT. Gone are the days of having to make 4 separate purchases (bacon, lettuce, tomato, and bread). Piglettuce will be died with a pink food coloring so it feels like you are eating Piglet himself (or herself?).
Pooh Wipes (Dude Wipes x Winnie the Pooh)
This one should be pretty self-explanatory. Pooh sounds like (and also means) poop. Pooh wipes will wipe poop off your ass. They will be yellow like Winnie the Pooh.
It's about time that Barstool Sports got into the prescription medicine business. We have plenty of hot girls here that we we could use peddle pharmaceuticals. Xanax has had some bad publicity lately, so it's desperately in need of a rebrand. We'll steal the Xanax recipe and package it at Eeyorezapam. Our commercial will feature Brianna Chickenfry walking around 100 Acre Woods in a bikini with her mopey friend Eeyore. She's trying to cheer him up but nothing works. Luckily, Eeyore qualifies for Eeyorezapam. After Brianna feels him an Eeyorezapm, his mood changes entirely. He becomes a happy-go-lucky donkey with not a care in the world.
Eeyorezapam: By Barstool Sports
Kanga & Truth or Dare
Despite being Kangaroos, Kanga and her lovable daughter Roo live in the woods near a town where people have British accents. Kanga & Truth or Dare will be an x-rated truth or dare style card game. The game will come with a human sized pouch that you wear on your front during the game. It is played like a classic game of truth or dare, except there's a twist. The Kanga Card. If you draw the Kanga card, then you must complete your next dare while carrying around another player in your pouch. I don't fucking know I'm out of ideas.
Christopher Robbin' Kit
Ok I thought of one more. The Christopher Robbin' Kit will be marketed towards children who want to play cops and robbers. However, the product will contain everything you need to pull off a real robbery. Things like a black ski mask, black jumpsuit, disposable black gloves, spy gear, duct tape, rope, etc. We'll make most of our money selling to real life bad guys who are looking to burgle. We'll get away with it since it's for a "children's game". I'm pretty sure another company did the same thing and got in trouble for it, but I can't remember what it was. It was something that was marketed towards kids, but adults would buy for nefarious reasons. If you know what I'm talking about please let me know.