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Say A Prayer For Mark, Who Got Friend-Zoned In Front Of The Entire Milwaukee Brewers Stadium Last Night

 

This just ain't right, man.

 

 

I'm going to write this blog as if this is real. It's probably not, but when I saw this on my timeline I felt physical pain. Because everyone has been a Mark in their life. Doesn't matter if you are the hottest dude with flowing hair and abs that would make Jesus blush, or a balding blogger who can't walk up the stairs without being winded, we've all been a Mark before and it is PAINFUL. It's the sort of pain you can't take a Tylenol to fix, but a "rethink your entire life, get a new job, move to a new city and start all over again" type of pain. Even Sarah Marshall herself couldn't be this cruel to ol' Mark. He just wanted to enjoy a baseball game. That's all he wanted to do. Go down to the park in Milwaukee, buy a hot dog, and enjoy a Monday night with his Tinder date. Instead he got put on a poster for all to see. He had his balls surgically removed from his body, put in a glass jar, and exposed to the world. Mark didn't deserve any of this. None of this at all.

But this story does have a happy ending. The Brewers found their Rally Monkey. Remember that fuckin' monkey the Angels used a few years back? Well, Sad Mark is their monkey.

 

 

Using Mark's heartbreak as venom, the Brew Crew stormed back to beat the Pirates, a miracle unlike any other.

 

 

And I think this should be a lesson for all Marks out there- when one door closes, another opens. As the great singer/songwriter Dan Wilson of the band Semisonic once said, "every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end". 

So get back up on that horse, Marky Boy. Swipe right on a solid 4…no you know what, a solid 5.5 on Tinder and get that life going again. Don't let that succubus from the ballgame drag you down. 

Again, even if Mark isn't real, the idea of Mark is all too real. We've all been a Mark, but it's how you react to getting Mark'd that matters the most.