Shocker: Holly Madison Reports That Sex with Aging Weirdo Hugh Hefner Was Not All It's Cracked Up to Be

Lester Cohen. Getty Images.

To some extent, we're all guilty of thinking that life as a golddigger is pretty sweet. Just a carefree existence of shopping sprees, hair appointments, spa treatments, vintage wines and fine foods, marred only by the occasional need to pay for it all by giving the desiccated corpse of some rich creep an orgasm. 

But apparently in the case of the stars of Girls Next Door, having to bone Hugh Hefner well into his 80s was no day at the beach. Other than the fact they had to listen to other people while they did it, and were probably dry as sand the whole time.

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Source - Former Playboy Bunny and “Girls Next Door” star Holly Madison, 42, revealed that most of the gals in the mansion felt that having sex with Hugh Hefner was a “chore” they tried to check off “as quickly as possible.” 

Madison teamed with fellow ex-Playmate Bridget Marquardt, 48, to start a new podcast, “Girls Next Level,”  …

“None of the females were into it — like, sorry to burst the bubble,” Madison, who dated Hefner from 2001 until 2008, claimed. 

“We thought of it as a chore that we had to do or else we’ll get kicked out of the house,” she explained. “And everybody just wanted to make it go by as quickly as possible. …

“He wouldn’t move. He would be like a bump on the log in the middle of the bed,” Madison described. “I can’t explain to you guys how embarrassing that whole routine was. Especially as we got later down the road when there would be, like, a lot of conflict with the other girls. 

“You’re literally sitting there naked having sex in front of a group of people who hate you and talk s – – t about you while you’re having sex, and you can hear it. It was just, like, hell.”

This is of course not the first time we've heard the memory of that noted publishing and sexploitation pioneer Hef disparaged this way:

Yet somehow it's extra powerful hearing it from the eponymous Girls from the show. They all just seemed so happy together. There's felt like a perfect symbiotic relationship. They stay young, attractive, bleached and breast-enhanced while pretending to like him, he shuffled around like an early onset dementia patient who looked like he could give them an adequate Viagra lay. 

But nope. It was all a lie. Just another example of the complete unreality of reality TV. Like America's Got Talent judges acting surprised by a performer even though they see them in dress rehearsals. Or Survivor acting like Jeff Probst isn't a hologram who will never age. 

And it's crushingly disappointing. Sex was supposed to be the one thing Hef was great at. I mean, the man didn't build an empire on a foundation of interviews with Gore Vidal or reviews of the most stylish wristwatches for gentlemen. It was built on the notion that he was giving these Playmates the kind of sex only to be found among Greek gods. Instead we find out he was the least generous of lovers. Which is like finding out the Moon Landing was faked. Or Daniel Boone went AWOL at the Alamo. Or General Patton was a big ol' pussy. An American icon, turns out to be just another fraud. Profoundly sad. 

Having said that, I'm sorry for Holly Madison and Bridget Marquardt. Both for the awful "chore" they had to perform. But also for the fact they just burst the bubble of their own podcast in the first episode. Now that we know what a sham the whole thing was, I can't imagine any reason to listen to their show. Maybe they have a couple of funny stories about hanging out with Jack Nicholson in the Grotto. But once you've exposed the boss as a fraud who lay down like a log in bed, you've pretty much destroyed the premise of your own podcast. Still, best of luck on that.