Old Lady Takes Her SUV On A Joy Ride Through The 2nd Floor Of A Massachusetts Mall


A Massachusetts woman drove her SUV down a mall's second floor corridor, authorities said Thursday, stunning store clerks and shoppers at the South Shore Plaza in suburban Boston.

Cell phone video and photos captured the slow-moving Lincoln MKX driving past baffled onlookers and stores at the mall in Braintree just before noon.

In a news release, the city's police department identified the driver only as an elderly woman. It wasn't clear why she drove through the mall 12 miles south of Boston.


It's the year 2022. If you're any sort of "ist" word, you're probably a piece of human garbage and deserve to be tarred and feathered in the town square. 

But I'll fully admit I'm ageist as FUCK and have been for a few years now. You should not only embrace me being that sort of "ist", you should be that exact type of "ist" too. Ol granny over here trying to use her Lincoln SUV to run over a bunch of angsty, emo teens at Hot Topic is all the persuasion you should need if you don't agree with me. 

Just ask American hero Randy Marsh:

He'll tell you all about it. Sure, it's parody and satire but the larger point is completely correct. Old people suck at driving. Here's a bunch of other things old people suck at doing:

- using toilets to urinate/defecate 
- running the country for the last ~6.5 years
- not keeping up with inflation (I still get the same $25 check for my birthday every year, which should now be at least $250 bones, grandma…)
- They clog up your phone with fucking voicemails because they don't realize you've been able to see missed calls on your phone's screen for the last 20 years or w/e. Side note - they still have landlines too
- They eat up all the chicken
- They think they're the best dancers
- They breathe up all the young people's air…

…and they STINK! Seriously, they smell awful. Not gonna try to describe the smell but each and every one of you knows it and loathes it. 

This doesn't even begin to describe them driving though. Old people driving are a menace to society, as Randy Marsh so eloquently stated in the video above. 

Take this story as an example: a few years back my mom's parents were in town from NJ. We were going to a restaurant. Grandpa was driving, grandma was in passenger seat, I was in back seat. My grandpa took a left at a stop light (which is kinda weird for him since he's from NJ, IYKYK). There was a median separating the northbound/southbound lanes and he accidentally turned into on coming traffic in the wrong lane. Just completely failed to see these signs:

Artur Widak. Shutterstock Images.


There was no traffic at all so we lucked out, but I was screaming at him to turn around and that he was going the wrong way. That got him flustered to the point where he had no idea what to do until I made him stop the car and took a minute to explain what happened. He was all like "ope, better throw it in reverse and turn around!" 

It was horrifying, even if I still feel irked about raising my voice to my grandpa to this day. Nevertheless, it was from that moment on I became an ageist. There should be age maximum's on literally everything. Granny driving through the mall and my gramps going the wrong way on a typically busy road was all the nudge necessary for me to reach that point.