Jake Paul Visits Dolphins Camp to Prove to the World He's a Dual-Threat Athlete: Bad at Baseball AND Football
As Jordie pointed out yesterday, Jake Paul-themed posts often lead to clicks. And so he used his veteran baseball scouting skills to evaluate Paul's skills at the plate. And found him, to put it kindly, lacking.
Then, like a gift from the blogging gods, Paul left Marlins batting practice and went straight to Dolphins camp. Where he demonstrated to all in attendance that he is every bit the wide receiver he is as a hitter.
[Enrico Palazzo voice]: Steeeeriiiiike threeeee!:
Look, a lot of us are inferior athletes. Or can do one thing really well, the way Jake Paul can legitimately box. Everyone has the inalienable right to not be athletic. But those of us who recognize the limits of our abilities don't try to turn Florida into our own personal Fantasy Camp.
I mean, the Marlins and Dolphins are (reportedly) professional operations. Men are working there. Presumably hard. Starters are trying to improve. Roster bubble guys are trying to earn spots. MLB roster expansion is coming soon. Yet with careers on the line, everything has to stop so that Jake Paul can play out his jock fantasies? Back in the day Kevin Costner needed to work on his issues, he'd get a movie studio to let him play a catcher, a pitcher or a golfer. Now any YouTuber with a decent right hook gets the full use of a stadium in the middle of a team's workouts? It's an outrage. But at least he has the common courtesy to make all the real hitters and receiver look good in comparison.
And with that, allow me to put my veteran football scout skills to work and do a draft evaluation of Paul:Unrefined, tight-hipped prospect with limited route tree. Slow to get off the line and into his routes, and demonstrates excessive gather steps that cause him to round off his breaks, rather than make quick cuts. Slow to get his head around and track balls into his hands. Limited ability to shake a defender in man, and lacks the spacial awareness to find a seam in zone. When he's wide open, he's still covered. Anyone assigned to cover him essentially has the day off and should be charged with a Personal Day. The catch radius of a baby T-Rex, and the footwork of the guy who plays Sensei Kreese from Karate Kid on those two episodes before he got voted off of Dancing With the Stars. His hands are so bad, he should be checked at the Combine to confirm that he does, in fact, have opposable thumbs. If fluidity could be measured, his would be graded as "Drying Stucco." If you find yourself at the fourth floor window of a burning building and he's one of the firefighters holding the net for you to jump into, he will drop you. So just walk into the flames and get it over with. Stephen Hawking had better movement. Paul is to wide receiving what tossing a virgin into a volcano to help next season's crop is to agriculture. Tear your eyes out of your head like Oedipus rather watch him try to catch passes, as viewing it will damn your soul to eternal torment. Watching drop these very catchable passes has cost me the will to live. Farewell to this cruel existence. I go now to a better place, where Jake Paul running routes does not exist.
Anyway, that's my take. Maybe he'll do better at training camp with the Heat.