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The Original One Hit Wonder

Dig, if you will, a picture.

Of John Feitelberg and I engaged in a kiss.

The sweat of his body covers me. 

Can you, my darling, can you picture this?

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Now dream if you will that same Feitelberg sitting down on his couch at 9:17 PM on a Friday and penning this tweet…


I want to think he was scotch drunk when he wrote this… 'My Own Worst Enemy' blasting on repeat in his headphones as he sits alone in a dimly lit smoke-filled studio apartment. 

And instead of ripping apart the lyrics for hidden meanings or pondering why the song resonates in his soul so goddamned much, he instead decides to toss out a little chum for his 300,000+ Twitter followers to chew on along with him. 

He decided to turn his private dance into a benign social media gangbang. 

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And his followers answered the call. Because nowadays people are downright horny for “Best Of” and “Rushmore” lists that tell them which dish soap slaps the most. 

I’m guilty of it myself… The Chicago guys do a draft every week and when I saw last week’s subject was pizza, I almost Googled “most popular pizza topping” even though I knew damn well my affinity for sausage and hot cherry peppers trumps whatever 9 out of 10 dentists chose in some random online poll. 

So it is no surprise that I read John’s Tweet and spent the rest of my dump ruminating over the answer… Probably should've mentioned I was on the john while reading John. 

Since I’m old, I tend to drift further back than the 90’s anthems Robbie quoted. 

So is it “Tainted Love” by Soft Cell?

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Nah… It’s a “banger” but not the GOAT (like Helen Mirren)

How about “Too Shy” by Kajagoogoo?


Nah… Too obscure for dudes who never wore eyeliner to a club. 

“Safety Dance” by Men Without Hats is always mentioned in the conversation of One Hit Wonders, but only because people never took the time to look deeper into their catalog and discover “Pop Goes The World” by MWOH is also a certified hit. 

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(Google "Men Without Hats" and these two frisky lads pop up.)

Still, I felt compelled to come up with an answer.  And not because Feits would expect one… I’m not sure John knows I even follow him. But simply because the Xanax I took an hour earlier was still driving the emotional bus, so I felt at peace in my search for the perfect response.

And then it "one-hit" me…

Checking my notifications on Twitter today, I see what I responded to last night, and I am almost tempted to delete it. 

I also took a screenshot of it last night, so I must’ve known it was something that would potentially be taken down because it hurt some random twat's feelings. 

But I find my response to be intrinsically funny, even though it was crafted in a responsible drug-induced jest… HOWEVER, does the public have a tolerance for such humor anymore? 

I can never tell by the amount of “Likes” it receives because many people who enjoy even slightly inappropriate humor are afraid to profess their “Like” for it even though they desperately want me on that wall of political incorrectness… They NEED me on that wall.

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And for the record, I can never in good conscience choose “Come On Eileen” because my dead grandmother’s name was Eileen and I’ve always resented the confused elder bukake images the title of the song conjured in my brain whenever it “came on”. 

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("Leave my Mee-Maw alone!")

So where exactly are the goalposts when it comes to Tina jokes because I thought this one was simply the… Well… Simply the something… Can't find the perfect adjective here… Maybe "simply the greatest"?

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("Thanks, TT.")

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