Man Who Stole Quarters From Monkeys Now Has "Blistering, Pain, Muscle Aches, Respiratory Distress, Encephalitis and Neurological Dysfunction" Aka Insane Herpes
JEAN-FRANCOIS MONIER. Getty Images.
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An intruder who broke into a snow monkey enclosure to scoop coins from a pond could have unwittingly exposed themselves to "potentially fatal" herpes, with authorities urging them to seek immediate medical attention.
Tasmania's City of Launceston issued a press release on Wednesday, following the break-in at the City Park monkey enclosure on Tuesday night.
The enclosure, which houses a population of macaques — established as part of a sister-city relationship with Ikeda in Japan — is popular with tourists and locals, who toss coins into the pond.
Mayor Albert Van Zetten said the intruder caused damage to an electric fence and stole "coins out of the surrounding moat".
"Unfortunately, this action has potentially exposed the intruder to the herpes B virus, which is carried by the City Park monkeys," Mr Van Zetten said.
"The virus is not considered a risk to the monkeys and exhibits symptoms similar to that of cold sores in humans.
"However, it is potentially fatal to humans, with more than 30 known deaths recorded worldwide … [and] only one confirmed case of human-to-human transmission."
Boy oh boy. The fellas in the group chats are gonna be buzzin when they hear this one. We've all been there. Had one too many out at the local monkey bar and start wandering around near the fountain area. Next thing you know, a shiny little dime catches your eye. You let her pass because you also see a quarter. 25 cents of smackeroos. Gotta love that. Free money, baby. It dont grow on trees but it'll spawn out of a fountain.
You're parched after a night of drinking but have no cash and you left your wallet at one of the monkey bars you were at earlier in the night. So, you do what any self-respecting person would do, you steal from the monkeys near the fountains and take money so that you can go to a vending machine and get a god-awful Desanti water. That's how thirsty you are. Desanti.
After you've collected 1.75 cents (which is nice because vending machines are usually around 2.25 for a 20oz coke or beverage. Thanks a lot, Brandon.
You chug down the water and head home.
Three weeks later you have herpes so bad that you might fucking die. Think about that. Herpes until your dead. That's basically what happened to the people who swam and played in poop water at Woodstock '99. Trench mouth. Yuck.
Anyway, update the safety brief. No stealing coins from monkeys because you might die of herpes. Add that to the log.