Kenyan Presidential Candidate Plans To Unite With Weed And Hyena Testicles Which Are No Laughing Matter!
James Wakibia. Shutterstock Images.
Advertisement
George Wajackoyah is well behind the two front-runners, but his "ganja tribe" has gained the attention of local media and younger voters. He is well behind the polls, but could have a say in the result.
As Kenya's two leading presidential hopefuls vie for votes in the upcoming election, a third candidate has emerged on a campaign of marijuana and hyena testicles to help solve the country's economic problems.
Mr Wajackoyah has attracted younger members of the electorate, with many saying conventional politicians have failed to tackle corruption, inflation, and unemployment.
The grave-digger-turned-law-professor has polled at around 2% of votes, but could have a say in the election if he endorses one of the front-runners or take votes from another.
This is the kinda race that gets interesting. You have your two front runners and then an absolute wild card comes in and threatens to up-end the entire political process. Hell, we had our own version of that when Longtime Stoolie and Chart enthusiast Ron Paul burst on the scene and became a third-party guy "stealing" votes from the establishment.
Like Ron Paul, Mr. Wajackoyah came from humble beginnings and worked his dick off to get to this point. I mean, going from grave digger to President would be an all-time glow-up unless we are talkin bout the Monster Truck driver for Grave Digger or just Grave Digger the monster truck. How sick would that be? A monster truck as president? Sign me up. Plus, we've seen the medical marijuana industry do amazing things in the states that were early adopters, whether that's talkin about more money for roads, schools, and trails in Colorado or, like they've done in Oregon, offering free-range chickens for every person who has the ability to obtain a coop. Maybe that happens in Kenya. Why not?
The thing I cannot get behind is hyena testicles. I'll be honest, I didn't know hyena testicles were a delicacy in China. I dont want to blame Donnie Does but I feel like that would be appropriate. Why would he never mention that? But I can't blame him for my intellectual shortcomings. That's on me. As a blogger, I gotta be more in tune with what's happening around the world in the hyena testicle department.
Hyena testicles cannot be easy to get your hands on. Are there hyena farms? Can you just take one? Seems like you would stop breeding if you were just rounding up rouge hyenas and tossing some rubber bands around the balls and waiting for a "delicious" treat to pop into your field bag that you stuff with as many hyenas testicles as you possibly can. Like an Easter basket of balls. You'll be out there for fucking WEEKS at a time just grinding your fingers to the god damn bone while luring hyenas to your position with the hope of all hopes that their testicles will plop into the bag from their natural bag at any moment. When the hyenas finally are drawn to your location, they stand there looking at you, laughing as they do, and then it happens. With a swoop and a scoop, you have both nuts. Just right there. The hyena, shocked and horrified, screamed.
I am against this. The testicle tasters all over the world must be stopped. We, as a society even on the global scale, cannot keep living like this. We can't keep living in a way that leads people like the Liver King and this Kenyan Presidential hopeful to eat fucking balls on the reg. I'm not against balls. I have two. Granted, I've had a vasectomy so my pills aren't exactly "functional." And if I was seen by a vet they would give me that singular green tattoo right by my dick to alert future veterinarians that I am not intact like I'm some kind of fucking adopted kitten just suckin on a medicine dropper filled with protein-enriched milk. Im not a kitten. I'm a man. I'm 40.
Besides, that's none of their fucking business if I'm intact or not. I can still cum and stuff so what's the biggie?
Anyway, I support this candidate unless he's done a bunch of fucked up stuff that I dont know about. If that is the case, I recant my endorsement. Simple as that.
To close, weed = good. Testicle trade = bad.
PS. I wrote this on the plane where I'm pretty sure the people behind me are reading my words and wondering what the hell I'm going on about. That's fair. This is a weird job for people to casually observe. Not as weird as hyena testicle collector but still a weird job.