KB's wild presented by Big Cat done to Zah is happening today on The Yak. I was not invited to join. I helped Big Cat count some Skittles this morning, but that was the extent of my involvement. I had Big Cat put exactly 300 Skittles in the goblet. Everyone on The Yak guessed how many Skittles there were, and the loser had to either eat the entire goblet of Skittles in 5 minutes, or eat a Double Ritz. Nick lost and chose to eat the Skittles. I personally would have gone with the Double Ritz. It's a mind over matter situation. All you have to do is plug your nose and swallow that shit.
But this blog isn't about KB's Wild & The Yak. It's about John Rich's Wild.
As you can probably imagine, Barstool Sports HQ is littered with all different types of alcohol. Pink Whitney, High Noons, New Amsterdam Vodka, Four Loko, Coors Light, all sorts of different boozes.
Every day I am tempted to have a drink. But even though there is alcohol around every corner, I am pretty sure drinking on the job is heavily frowned upon. It definitely is for someone as new as me. I wanted to drink so bad during Barstool Idol. I was so nervous the entire time and a few drinks would have really calmed my nerves. However, Barstool Sports HQ is still a place of business. It is important to not treat it like a party. Drinking at work could easily be my downfall if I'm not careful.
That being said, I needed something to write about on Thursday. I got in around 9:30 am and stared at my computer for a while. I had nothing. I had been planning on writing a John Prine blog all week, but that wasn't the vibe for Thursday. KB's Wild presented by Big Cat done to Zah was happening, and I needed to match that energy. So, I decided it was the perfect day to do my own challenge: John Rich's Wild, presented by John Rich, done to John Rich. The challenge was simple: Get as drunk as possible during the work day without anyone noticing.
Before I get into this, I want to talk about the state of mind I am in while writing this. It's 9:15am on Friday. I spent all of yesterday sneaking drinks at work for John Rich's Wild. My scaries are through the roof right now. I'm pretty sure I left an open 4 Loko, and a half finished bottle of vodka underneath my desk, but when I got here they were both gone. I really hope it was the cleaning lady who found it and not someone who plans on outing me. On one hand, I don't think it's smart to publish this blog, but on the other hand, this blog is the only thing that would justify me drinking at work. I thought it was such a hilarious idea at the time, but now that it's the next morning and I'm sifting through these drunken notes and videos of me taking shots at work, I'm starting to regret this endeavor.
It's too late to back out now though. Guess I'll just start from the top
Thursday, 11:55am - I decide I'm going to do John Rich's Wild. First, I need to establish a nice base drunk. There's always New Amsterdam Vodka nips behind the bar, so I start there. I'm going to try to film as much as I can, but I'm also trying to be sneaky, so it might be difficult.
The only person who saw me go behind the bar was Karim. He seems like someone who would sell me out quick. Hopefully that doesn't become a problem for me.
12:00pm - I made it back to my desk with 3 New Amsterdam Vodka nips in my pocket. There's too many people around for me to just drink these out of the bottle. I need to go get a cup
Great, I don't think they noticed. I'm starting to realize that you can get away with almost anything at the office as long as you're taking a video. If you walk around filming with your phone, people assume you're doing something important. This might be easier than I thought
12:05pm - Made it back to my desk. There are still too many people around for me to pour the shots into my cup. I'm not sure why I thought getting a cup would somehow make this easier. Guess I'm going to have to take these on the toilet.
12:15pm - I safely made it back to my desk. I held my breath the entire way so nobody could smell the liquor. Some people say that vodka doesn't make your breath smell, but that's a lie. If I breathe near anyone they're going to know. I have no gum either. I need to take a trip the Duane Reade by Walgreens to get some. I make a hard left turn to avoid Rone on my way out of the office. He is the last person I need to encounter face to face right now. Luckily, I made it out unscathed.
12:25pm - I acquired some Orbit Peppermint gum, and Freshmint Tic Tacs.
As I was taking that picture, Barstool Fran walked by, but I'm sure she didn't think anything of it. Nobody gives a fuck what I'm doing. I fly pretty far under the radar around here. It's a blessing and a curse. I put 2 pieces of gum and 8 Tic Tacs in my mouth. That should do the trick.
12:30pm - I'm back at my desk with minty fresh breath. Three New Amsterdam Vodka nips make for a great base. I feel fantastic. Usually I sit quietly at my desk, but now I'm chopping it up with everyone. I talked to Kayce about her College Football travel schedule. I discussed Barstool's Most Dangerous Gameshow with Kelly Keegs. I feel like I belong here now. I wish there was a way I could bottle up this feeling and hold onto it forever. I have a drug addicts mentality sometimes. Here's a fun fact about me that I shouldn't share but I'm going to - I used to have a pretty bad opiate addiction. It was a big part of my life in my early 20's. One of my first few days at Barstool, I walked up to Jersey Jerry and told him how much I appreciated his Friend of Jerry show because me and several of my friends had substance abuse problems in the past. Jerry thanked me and said, "That's great, so you're sober now?"
Then I was like, "Well no… I still drink."
Then there was an awkward silence and he said, "Well everyone's journey is different."
I said, "Yes." and walked away. I felt like an asshole. Like I was trying to steal drug addict valor or something. Oh well. He's certainly not going to respect my journey after this blog drops. Fingers crossed he doesn't read it. Love you, Jerry.
12:40pm - I need to figure out what my next drink is going to be. I want to grab a 4 Loko, but that seems difficult. 4 Loko cans are pretty difficult to conceal. I look to my left and notice some bottles on Nate's desk.
I just need to grab one of those bottles and stash it under my desk. There's enough clutter under there that I can hide it easily. The bottle of vodka looks like the easiest one to grab. I started out drinking vodka anyways so I might as well stay on that train. I just need to wait for my moment.
12:45pm - My moment is now
Vodka acquired. I really hope that bottle does not have sentimental value, because I am about to drink it. But I'm not taking straight shots this time. I need to find a mixer.
12:50pm - The best mixer I could find was Berry Frost Barstool Branded Revitalyte. There was a Pink Starbust C4 Energy Drink on someone's desk, but I didn't think I should steal it. Plus, a Barstool Revitalyte cocktail will help prevent a hangover. I pour the drink under my desk. The only person who might have seen me was Tommy Smokes, but he's deep into something on his laptop. Probably looking at pussies. I think I got away with it.
Nothing to see here. Just a man drinking Revitalyte out of a cup. Typical Thursday afternoon behavior.
12:55pm - As I sit at my desk enjoying my drink, my least favorite part of the day occurs. That of course is when Spider walks up behind Kayce Smith and gives her a sensual shoulder rub.
Why is this happening, and who do I file my complaint with? Hank, are you seeing this? It's every day, and we just let it happen. This has to stop.
1:00pm - I'm feeling very thankful that this is my job. Aside from having to watch Spider rub down Kayce every afternoon, I love every minute of it. I decide that I need to get some food in my stomach or else I'm going to lose control of this situation. I chug the rest of my drink and walk to Bravo Pizza down the block.
1:20pm - I made it back to the office with my pizza. It was ok to slightly above average. I give it a 6.8.
1:30pm - I finish my pizza and am feeling satisfied. I'm in the mood for conversation, but everyone around me seems to be working. I need to find someone to shoot the shit with. That's when I have a brilliant idea. I'll go hang out at the front desk with Ebony. I've been trying to get on her good side ever since I started here. I know she won't snitch on me because she's from the Bronx. I thought she might enjoy a beverage as well.
I go to the kitchen for another cup, bring it back to my desk, and pour us each a Barstool Revitalyte cocktail. I'm clearly drunk at this point because I took zero precautions to make sure people didn't see my pouring the drinks. It's entirely possible that multiple people have seen what I am doing, I'm just so irrelevant that it's not even worth anyone's time to call me out for it. Oh well, fine by me. I grab the drinks and make my way towards Ebony's desk.
1:35pm - Ebony graciously accepted my gift of a drink. We have a fabulous time, as you can clearly see from these videos
Luckily Ebony keeps a couple Pink Whitney nips on her desk at all times, so we indulged in those as well.
Those were a lot more fun to make than they were to watch. Watching myself drink at work on camera is really tough. I wouldn't have to post these, but I need to be honest with myself. It is something I did and I have to own it. Usually after a day full of drinking I do everything I can to delete whatever I did from my memory. Writing a blog about it is the polar opposite of that. I'm not enjoying myself. Whatever, it's too late to turn back now.
2:30pm - After sitting with Ebony for about an hour and greeting dozens of people as they entered the office, I had a meeting with our social team. I met with one person named Tyler. He was cool so I immediately told him that I had been drinking. I have completely bailed on keeping John Rich's Wild a secret at this point, but it was actually a pretty good meeting. He recommended I do some videos where I read parts of my blog on camera. Like with the blog posted behind me on a green screen or something. I've never really liked those types of videos in the past, but I think they typically do pretty well. Maybe I will try it sometime soon.
3:00pm - 4:15pm - My notes are pretty much useless during this time frame. My biggest takeaway was that at one point I accosted Alex Bennett in the hallway and told her how she should be promoting her Rough n' Rowdy fight. It also looks like I got offended at one point because Rudy didn't ask me my opinion on Francis coming back. And finally, I took this video of me putting a 4 Loko in my pants.
My biggest takeaway so far is that getting drunk does not automatically make for good content. I can't stress enough how much I hate reliving this. I'm very embarrassed.
4:15pm - I certainly had myself a day. I easily could pack up my things and gone home. However, I have one final act before John Rich's Wild is complete. That of course, is DM'ing Dave Portnoy.
I've noticed that we have been having some problems with The Rundown lately. Everybody at Barstool has their own content that they are responsible for, so unfortunately The Rundown often takes a backseat to whatever else we have planned for that day. Dave actually sent an email earlier in the week reminding people that The Rundown is still a good moneymaker for us, and people need to start making time for it. You might have noticed that Big Cat was on this week. That was a direct result of Dave's email.
Anyways, I have been watching The Rundown on a daily basis since 2016. If anyone knows what a good Rundown crew is, it's me. Every day when The Rundown crew is selected, I can immediately tell you if people are going to like it or not. If you're a Stoolie, you probably feel the same way. So I said fuck it, I should let Dave Portnoy know this. I carefully crafted a DM and re-read it 1000 times to make sure it wasn't a bunch of drunk nonsense, then I fired this off.
First off, round of applause to me for a remarkably coherent DM. That could have gone a lot of different ways, but I did not expect it to be that easy. I sent that DM at 4:35, Dave responded at 4:37, and at 4:38 he sent this email to every content person at Barstool.
John Rich's Wild presented by John Rich done to John Rich is complete. It has been a rousing success. What a ridiculous company Barstool is.
All jokes aside, I do think I'm the perfect person to pick The Rundown crew. I've been watching it for so long, and I'm the same as anyone else who gets disappointed when it doesn't live up to what it should be. I'm sure I won't bat 1000, it's not always easy to pin down content, but I'm going to put all of my effort into making sure we have the best possible Rundown with whatever content people I have at my disposal. It's my goal to turn The Rundown back into one of the best shows Barstool has to offer.
I'm also very open to any constructive criticism or advice people might have. If there's someone in particular you want to see more of, I would love to know that. I read every single comment for every piece of content I am involved in. That's probably not healthy, but I do think it's important to listen to what people have to say, and to use the opinions of the viewers to improve content. That actually seems incredibly obvious. If you hate what I'm doing, then let me know. I promise I will take your advice into consideration.